Anyway, I'm back, and ready to review. And, I played this for a while, and I think I am going to review how horrible this is...
YAAAAAAYYY.......
Let's do it , why don't we. Okay, so there is a little boy with a comic book, he walks, gets
sleepy and.... Oh my god, I have not fate in this character already. He decides to
sleep on a pile of boxes on a crane. The crane lifts it to a ship, and the boy (LESTER OBVIOUSLY!) is taken on the ship.
I wonder what his parents were thinking he was doing.
"Honey, Lester hasn't been home in a few weeks now."
"Probably still in the city! Don't worry!".
Yeah, that seems like a good explanation to what they thought.... Anyway, the ship gets raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a deserted island. Hmmm......
BEST IDEA YET!!!!
So, on this island, he makes a trip for no apparent reason. He also doesn't remember how he got there....
YOU SWAM TO AN ISLAND 10 SECONDS AGO, HOW DID YOU FORGET THAT!?!?!???
I swear this guy is a fish....
So, I want Lester to move (He has one of the most.... emberassing walks ever in video game history....), but suddenly he stops, and shakes his head, as he talks to me!
"No!"
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "NO!"?! Just walk, you coward! I try and jump, but it feels so bad... This guy reminds me of marlton from CALL OF DUTY, but without the guns.... Which would mean, a dumb ass that likes to think of himself as a bad ass...
So, looking at it like this... Somebody get me someone who can do math...
Lester =< Marlton= Geek = dumb ass the bad ass!!!! I guess.....
That's the formul- WHAT THE FFFFFFFFFFRICKEDY DONGO'S!?!??
Lester stops, and starts air humping for no reason! WHY? Why did he do that? What did the programmers think?!
"Um, let's make Lester hump the air, because we're perverts, hahaha
!"
So, I try and kick a crab. Guess what Lester does? This should've been his reaction, if he could talk...
"OH MY GOD, A CRAB! WHAT THE HELL!?! I CAN EASILY KICK IT, AND THE PLAYER WANTS ME TO MOVE TO IT, BUT I DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO HIM, SO WHAT DO I DO? I RUN AWAY FROM THE CRAB, COMPLETELY DISOBEYING THE PLAYERS ACIONS, WHY? BECAUSE I DON'T CARE, AND KIDS WILL SPEND MONEY ON THIS GAME ANYWAY!!!! TROLOLOLOLOL!!!".
It makes me mad! It makes me look like this!
Lester is a troll! So, anyway, I try to keep moving, oh, and by the way, you have to sneak up on your enemies.
Lester seems to disobey you whenever he wants. Have you ever had sonic look at you, and say "Hey, man, you want to spin dash? Course you want to spindash, you want to spindash, yeah, you want to spindash, you want to spindash...... Well, screw that, I will just walk away from the goal!".
so much tears! How, why?!?!
Wait, is that an eagle? What is it doing? NO, EAGLE! NO! NOOOOOOO!
Okay, so I am back at the beginning.
fun, right?
*sigh*
CODE!
So, I type in a code, and go to the next stage (Not really, I finished the stage all over again). Here is where it get's terrible! There are bats flying around, I AM being murdered, I can't fall from too high, and I can't make any short cuts, because, well, I fall!!! Lester dies, and dies, and dies! I am game over... Okay, that's it, end of the review I guess!
....
....
....
GAH, okay, I'll keep going!
I finish the first stage all over again, and find out I have to use a crystal to burn the door down! YES! Stage number 3 in this unholy game! Back outside, doing the same loops all over again.
This game doesn't have many secrets either. though the graphics aren't half bad. Wait, WHAT?!?
Now Lester is afraid of tiki's?! What a coward! Look at him! AARGH! This character shoud never get a sequel.
Believe me, there were games with similar mechanics, but this one is just bad! What the heck! There are no secret spells, or magic powers, or hidden guns, so I have to avoid stuff!
The bad way!
Outlast had a way you had to avoid enemies. and it worked, but this... sssshhhh...
Stuff it.
Let's just have a look at the ending. Lester has found some natives, who tell him he can go back with a surf board, because they don't have cellular phones (How would they even know what a cellular phone is, AND WHY DO THEY HAVE A SURF BOARD?!?!). So, Lester surfs back to his house.
Wait, what?!?
Lester has turned into an adult, and is telling 2 "hot babes" about his adventures! What?!?! They're even enjoying the story, and are begging for more! I don't know how you can enjoy this story, but if YOU can.....
then you're nuts.....