bvd1022 : We all feel that way at one point in our life so don't feel so hard on yourself. I will admit that you and me were similar when we were younger; not caring about what others thought of me and pretty much BS'ed most of my school life. Part of life is screwing up at one point in life, then learning the reason why you shouldn't screw up and teacher your children, loved ones, or family to also not screw up.

I'll admit that I too also tried to "be cool" and "fit in with the in crowd". But later on in my highschool life I learned that trying to fit in with people who I'm not really like doesn't help you make long lasting, real friends. Instead I decided to be myself and be honest with who I am (which just happens to be a nice person, but still your typical douche...sorry for the swearing, but I am a douche...sorry again); my personality may not be perfect, but at least I'm honest with who I am. And because I was honest with who I am, people started to accept me for who I am and wanted to be around me (even thou I can still make people feel terrible).

You should forgive yourself, don't think about the past; instead work toward and improve the future. If your older/younger brother/sister is having trouble, use your experience to convince them that they can overcome it. If your children want to dropout of school, tell them how difficult going through life without finishing high school was to convince them to stay in school for just a while longer until they earn their diploma. People will forgive you for the trouble you cause; maybe not now, maybe not tomarrow, but some day (Casablanca reference) they will forgive you and your friendship can blossom into what it should have been.

Oldschool41 : You’re right… In my case it isn’t an easy thing to just say I forgive myself even after so much time has passed. The guilt and regret isn’t an easy thing to rid of although I am in many ways different from what I was back then. I guess part of the reason why I turned into a BS’er during that period of my life was because I think it was easier to BS people and myself rather than dealing with reality.

As I said before my parents were separated for the majority of my teen years and I simply had no idea how to deal with it. It didn’t make matters easier because it happened fast and I was put in the middle of it. So I guess it was easier for me to pretend to be something I wasn’t rather than letting people know that my life was not all it was cracked up to be and that I was frankly miserable. Because I was in the middle between my parents I would end up trying to play peacemaker and referee often when I wasn’t in school. When I could get away from that I would but I wasn’t really responsible and that also wasn’t good for me.

Although my parents resolved everything after several years, I had damaged myself. I didn’t get the wake-up call I needed until I was in my early twenties and I won’t lie; it didn’t happen overnight and it took time for me to really see things as they were and realize that A I wasn’t a kid anymore and B that I needed to change things.

As far as changing things it doesn’t necessarily mean that I changed things in a material sense. I have tried a couple of times to go back to school and have failed at that and even tried getting a GED but didn’t finish that either. I am presently trying one more time to finish school. I am currently enrolled in a correspondence school but I have been thinking about trying the GED again because the correspondence school has a no D for course grade rule and although I try and really want to give it my best shot, it’s something of an uphill battle because the curriculum contains a lot of stuff that I was never even offered when I was in school.

I had made more progress in the GED prep program that I was in for a couple of years but didn’t finish because the program I was in closed and I was told that I would have to go to a different place and more or less start from scratch. It upset me but the main reason why I didn’t continue was because the place I was going to allowed me to go in three days a week and study where I could either go and stay for the whole day or I could go for a couple of hours. When you’re a writer who is use to pulling all-nighters and devoting most of your time to your work in one fashion or another you take that kind of schedule. I wasn’t going to be able to have that luxury at the place they wanted me to go to though. This was the main reason. It’s been several years since and my situation has changed where I can give it a try again but I am giving the correspondence school a chance first. The thing that irritates me about the no D for course grade rule is, you’re paying tuition and you’re paying in full, a D isn’t good but technically it’s still passing and they shouldn’t cut you if you’re trying. Least that’s how I feel about it. I’m still trying to decide what I’m going to do in regard to that.

The changes I did make though were more on a maturity level if anything. I became really reclusive after I left school but I still hung out with a few people. Some of those people weren’t really the best influences so once I realized that I needed to make changes I pretty much cut ties with the people I needed to. Some of those people follow me on social media now but it’s different in that it’s from a distance. I am polite with everyone but things will never be like they were again and I think they know and understand that.

I also started being myself and stopped pretending to be something I wasn’t. It’s funny how once you’re out of school and away from people who aren’t really good for you that you realize things once you’ve allowed yourself to wake up. I do admit though that I’m far from perfect and it did take a long time for me to realize things. It’s something I really regret because had I realized it sooner things wouldn’t have been as bad as they were, even years later that really bothers me. I look at those things as you live and you learn but I still have my regrets.

I also throw no stones when I say that I probably wasn’t the best influence during my screw up years. This is something I also deeply regret because like I said before the person I am now and the person I was are in many ways two different people and I really do not like who I was back then. I sometimes say to friends of mine there is old me and then there’s me now and the person I am now is the one that I want to be remembered, not the screwed up kid I was.

As far as the guilt, shame, and, regret that I have I am hoping that one day I will be able to put it all to rest. Although years have gone by I still feel like I haven’t redeemed myself and even though some may think that enough time has gone by now that you wouldn’t have to think about things like that, I do.


That is why you will never see me judge anyone on here or anywhere else for that matter. There is no way after what I’ve been through that I could judge anyone on really anything life related. The one thing I do ask God for every day is for peace. I hope that even if it’s in a small way that I will be able to help others by offering advice using the experiences I’ve been through.

Hopefully one day I will be able to forgive myself or at the very minimum say despite everything, you did okay. I’m not there yet but hopefully one day I will be.