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03-11-13 09:10 PM
03-11-13 09:10 PM

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I need help with my story!


03-11-13 09:10 PM
thenoobtester is Offline
Link | ID: 753960 | 1347 Words

Level: 45

POSTS: 71/544
POST EXP: 51702
LVL EXP: 637950
CP: 430.9
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???Hello! I hope you enjoy reading, because I have quite the story for you. I wanted to show Viz the first chapter of a story I am writing. Feedback would be amazing, as it will be a kinda long read . Also, it has some gore and stuff, and a bit of minor language, so you might want to not read if you are particularly squeamish. Enjoy! Please, please give feedback, because no one seems to even look at this, and I really need help...
???The information you are about to read is strictly classified. No civilian should ever know about the events following the outbreak of VQ-15. This journal contains confidential information about the outbreak of VQ-15, and what plans we have for the residents of Safe Haven. If you try to tell anyone about the information you read in this journal, we will make sure witnesses know you were in a unstable mental state, and you will be... deported. All accounts of dates, times, and locations will be censored.

???Day 97: Hello. My name is Dean Williams. I am 19, and was a college student at D------ College, N-- ----. I was a good student. I had nearly straight A's in all my classes. I was happy. I had a life ahead of me. I was an aspiring author, with a future, that likely no one else will have a chance to have again. This is my story, as it will happen to me. Now, you probably know about Virus VQ-15, but in case you are from some distant future, where history has forgotten about the outbreak, I will bring you up to speed.
? It was first discovered at the CDC about 97 days ago, or June 2nd, 20-- as it used to be dated. I saw the news report, and wasn't worried about it in the least. I was studying for my exams, which were coming up in 2 weeks. I had more important things to worry about, like how I was going to pass the exams. No one said a word about it, no one mentioned it at all. It was nothing. I continued on with my life. It started popping up more and more often in the news, and by the time exams were around, everyone was worrying about it.
? The virus was reported to alter genetic coding, slowly shutting down vital organs until eventual death. Once you get it, it hides in your body for weeks, or even months, spreading to other people before it finally takes affect. There is no known cure, and death usually occurs 1 month after symptoms appear. The situation only got worse from there. The virus was first found in a victim from upstate N-- ----, and since I lived on L--- I-----, it reached rather quickly.
? People started wearing masks to prevent getting the disease, but it did nothing. Before I knew it, all transportation was being shut down. Things only got worse and worse. I soon realized that my friends were getting sick, and were going to end up dead. Around that time, the final report came in from the news. They said they had found that a select few were immune. A hiccup in the genetic code allowed them to be defended from the virus, even if they carry it in their bodies. That was the last news report that has been aired.
? ?It didn't take long for me to realize that I was immune. Some of the first symptoms of the virus were not showing up in me. I am not sure how many people are immune. Those who had the virus in the early stages were angry at the immune. The immune had a second chance at a life, a future, a hope. The riots staged were dangerous. I can only assume that these happened in other areas too, or that very few are immune, because I have found only 2 or 3 people along the way on my journey. The riots from the people were brutal. They would come into the homes of the immune, and would torture them. Some were set alight, while others were simply hung. I hid out in my dorm until they died down.?
? ?As time went on, less and less non-immune people were left to riot, and those who were were too sick to try and fight. They gave up, and kind of just drifted away, eventually dying. I realized then that I had to leave. The place had gone to hell. It smelled worse then the time I left my leftover omelet's and steak out for 4 days. It was putrid. All the food I had was gone, and I didn't expect to find any at the local 7/11 anytime soon. I had bigger reasons then that though. I had to find my parents.
? ?I know that it is genetic, so they could have the genes too. They could be safe. They live a long way away, in S----------, I-------. I had to go though. There is no one left. So about 2 weeks ago, I set off. At first, I traveled by car, but the roads were filled with all the crap people left behind when they died, so I had to ditch that. I scavenge for food in stores, and hope to find bottled water too. I have a long way to go, but I don't have anything better to do. I either go, or stay, and slowly rot away like all the people who have died around me.
? ?So, you are up to speed on my story. Today, I finally made it to the outskirts of N-- ---- ----. It was surreal, looking at all the damage a virus caused to a city like this. It had only been 3 months, and already plants were slowly creeping up buildings, climbing their way up to the top before they consume it into a mass of green. I walked through the city, looking at it all, just taking it in. This is what life was now. A broken down waste-land.
? ?I encountered something particularly frightening on the way. I was walking down the concrete roads, when I heard a moan. There was a boy, teetering on the edge of death, trying to say something. A small croak that sounded like it should be a word emerged from his mouth. His skin was as white as snow, with exaggerated pupils, and no meat left on his bones. I finally realized what he wanted. Water. I knew I needed that water. I told myself I couldn't give it up. But I gave in. I slowly walked up to him, and gave him a bottle of water. He opened it up, took a sip, and I started to walk away. He suddenly, flew up, and grabbed my leg. He started to scream loudly, like he had woken from an incredibly frightening nightmare. He then fell limp on the ground. He wasn't breathing.
? ?I found a old hotel, that looked relatively abandoned. I walked in, and the smell of death immediately hit me. My eyes watered, but I knew I had to stay. I walked up through the lobby, and slowly passed by the reception desk. I got a room key, and went to my room. I opened it up, and settled down. The mattress had a suspicious dark stain near the end of the bed. The wooden posts were starting to grow mold, and there was only 1 sheet and a single pillow. Home sweet home.
? ?I lied down, and started writing this. That is all that today has brought me, hopefully tomorrow is a better day. I can only hope. Goodnight.
???That was the first chapter of my yet-to-be-titled story! Please give some feedback on what was good, and what could be better, because I honestly can't tell if this is amazing or terrible. Thanks! Also, this is a first draft. It is bound to end up longer, and better, in later drafts, and maybe eventually a full, free, online story .?

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TheNoobTESTER, not ThenoobSTER. Gawd.

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Registered: 01-05-13
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(edited by thenoobtester on 03-15-13 04:00 PM)    

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