I've been working on this story for a long time.

Originally, it was just a setting in my head that I would act in when playing outside as a kid. Being on a farm with large forest, it worked out wonderfully. I would start drawing designs that I would envision on paper, and as I got older, the stories I came up with got bolder and bolder, the designs got crazier and crazier, and consistent characters would start appearing.

So I thought: What I made this into a video game? =D
I started writing stats and things for a Warcraft: Orcs and Humans style game. Sitting on that idea for a while, around junior high, I thought: I should write the story for this game first.

8 or so years later, I finished it! I had a beginning, a middle, an end, and it all flowed together!
....But then I realized that the beginning parts were crap. I wasn't exactly a top quality writer back in junior high.

So I started to rewrite the entire thing, from the ground up.
That is the version I will be posting here. In time, I may post the original first draft, since despite its glaring and many many flaws, there's nostalgic simplicity to it that I still kinda enjoy.

However, since this is the version I intend to eventually publish, I shall put it up first. It's much more indicative of my current writing skills, and I'm not putting it up solely to 'show off'. Any and all criticism and critiques that anyone can give is very, very, very appreciated.


So without further ado, I'll begin!








"Good afternoon, Deccus. I knew I could trust you to come."

Deccus stood up. He had been sitting for awhile, so his legs were slightly stiff and he wobbled a little, but maintained his composure. He was addressing the General, after all.

"Yes, sir. I always keep my word. I said I'd be here, and here I am."

"Good. Then I have an assignment for you. I need you to command a small force and take over an enemy outpost that's fairly close to here. When you take it, stay there until we can send reinforcements. It's far enough from their headquarters that they probably won't retake it."

"How large is my force, sir?"

"Four soldiers, not including you."

"What? That's a nothing troop!"

"I assure you, they are very well trained in what they do. They're waiting for you at the Academy, in dorm room five, ready to leave when you need. Go meet them, get to know them, and finish your assignment. One of them knows the way to the target. Return here after you're done."

"But..."

"GO!"

Deccus left without another word of objection. When the General tells you to go, you go, no questions asked.

Deccus stepped out of the complete darkness of the General's room, to the dim lighting of the entry way, where two girls at desks on either side of the door were reading through papers, pencils in hands, ignoring Deccus completely. He paid no attention to them, they didn't to him, and he exited the building.

As soon as he opened the door, the blinding sunlight poured in, making Deccus blink a minute from the sudden change of light. It was always so dark in there. The General never showed his full face, for reasons nobody really knew why. The secretary girls were no better, always sitting and working in light so dim you could barely see...

Deccus walked through the city of Vahal, a town surrounded by a thick, high wall. A fresh coat of snow made every building glitter in the noon sun. Walking through the beauty surrounding him, he headed for the Academy. Around the Academy lay food stores, shops, houses, almost everything you'd expect in a city.

If it weren't completely populated by children.

This didn't surprise Deccus in any way, for he was only a child of twelve years himself. There was no one over fourteen in the town, since you were forced to leave once you came to that age. Many of the best had to leave, but their legacies would live in tales for years.

The wall around the city was roughly 10 feet high, and a meter thick. It was made of densely packed snow around a wood foundation, by far the best defence a city could make. Concrete or metal weren't possible for children to make, but snow and wood could be worked into some very useful creations.

Soldiers walked on top of the wall, armed with Snowthrowers, watching the horizon on all sides. They were basic infantry, only ten years of age. Since Deccus was older, he was a bit more advanced than the standard unit. For one, Deccus had thicker armor. He also had a shield, which clearly marked him as a 'Shielded' unit. He wasn't an average Shielded, however. He had a custom gun, for example. Instead of having a handle on it, it wrapped around his hand, with the triggers inside. He made the gun himself, as with his entire outfit.

It wasn't standard equipment at all, but no one looked at Deccus twice for it. They were all busy, or they didn't care. Most soldiers made their own outfits anyways, so no one criticized any one else's. Except for the Bunny Boy. Rumor was he was annoyed to the brink of insanity, and ran away from Vahal before he graduated from the Academy.

This recollection triggered a cycle of memories for Deccus. Ah, the memories he had at that place... The teachers, the other rookies, the classes, the excersizes, the rivals...

Before he fully realized it, he had arrived at the front doors of the Academy. He swung the door open, stepped inside, and paused to look around.

It was exactly as he remembered. From the statue in the middle of the entry hall, to the two stairways on either side of the wall. One led to the classrooms, and the other to the Dorm rooms. The only other place to go from here was the cafeteria. The door to it was straight ahead from the Academy entrance, with the statue in between.

Deccus took the stairwell on the wall to the right, which led to the dormitories. The amount of times he had taken these stairs...

He chuckled. He was only a child, yet he thought like an adult, thinking of past memories in such a way. He felt rather old, as well. Like a senior in a young body. A child shouldn't have to feel this way...

Crossing the corridor quickly, he found Dorm room five without trouble. He knew where it was, since his old friend Holly had used the same room when he was still training in the Academy. The rush of memories about her brought a smile to Deccus. She was always fun.

He stood before the door, shaking his head to clear his mind of the overflow of thoughts. Once prepared, he took a deep breath, grabbed handle, and opened the door on its squeaky wooden hinges.

The first thing Deccus noticed, with some surprise, was Holly herself, standing beside a table with her back to the door. On opposite ends of the table were two boys, one large and one small, tossing cards back and forth at each other, playing some game known only to them. A fitting duo, Deccus thought before his eyes strayed to the window, where a skinny lad with a notebook and pencil sat on the ledge, drawing something on the paper, glancing outside occasionally and turning back to his work.

The first to notice Deccus was Holly, who turned to him, eyes opening slightly in surprise on seeing him, but soon rolled them with what seemed disappointment. She faced Deccus and stepped closer, her expression unchanging.

"Who would have figured you'd be this 'great leader' the General talked'a. At least you haven't changed since I last saw ya."

She hadn't either, Deccus thought to himself. He smiled a little in amusement.

"I haven't changed? How's that, Holly?" Deccus replied, not disguising the inner humour from his voice at all.

She finished stepping up to him, and tapped his armour with a knuckle. "You're late, like always."

"I can't help it if the General took longer than I thought."

"That's what you always said to the teachers."

"Worked then, didn't it?"

"HEY! Lovebirds! Quiet up!"

The larger of the boys sitting at the table had yelled in frustration, no doubt increased by his obvious loss at the card game. The smile on the smaller one's face gave that much away. Lovebirds...? Deccus thought.

The other boy from the window had stepped down from the sill, his drawing tools seemingly vanished, and walked towards Deccus, speaking. "Thank you, Kaeden, that's enough."

He stood in front of Deccus, at attention. "Hello, Commander. Allow me to introduce myself." He lowered his head a little. "I am Kleth, Top Scout and supplier, at your service." He raised his head and held his hand out, as if to shake. Deccus took hold and shook, noticing the surprisingly small nature of Kleth's hands, and the fingerless gloves covering them. "And you are?"

"Valiant Deccus, your new commander. I'll be leading you on this mission." Deccus spoke in a more professional voice than he had used on Holly, to show that he wasn't all fun and joking. Just to Holly he was.

A small snort was heard from Holly. "If you can even find your way there..."

Deccus cupped a hand over his mouth, but still spoke loud enough for Holly to hear, his tone far from serious. "Don't listen too much to what she says. She's had it out for me since the Academy."

Kleth laughed a little. "Don't worry. I'm sure you'll do well. The General did appoint you, after all."

"Thanks! You seem nice. We oughta get along. Not sure I could say that about the guy behind you, though." Deccus peered over Kleth's shoulder to the big and loud boy, who sat with his arms folded and looking at Deccus. He grunted a little at being mentioned.

"Kaeden is harmless, unless you're a Howler." Kleth explained.

"Hopefully. What about the other guy?"

"Oh, yes. That's Ted in the toque there. Don't know much else, since he seems pretty quiet."

Ted looked up from the card game when his name was said, waved a timid hello, and focused again on the game.

Deccus pointed to Kleth. "I'll ask you the questions, then." He took a glance through them all once more, then spoke to his Scout once more, his voice a bit more intense with purpose now. "So, what are the details of this mission?"

Kleth answered right away, as if prepared. "It's a simple assault mission." He pulled out the notebook he had been drawing on before, flipped a few pages, and showed Deccus a drawing he had made of a walled fortress, more a square wall than anything. "It's newly built, and undermanned, so even with just us, it shouldn't be too hard. I don't know how many are in it exactly, but we better attack before more Howlers get there. After we take it, we are to stay and guard it until further orders come from the General. That won't be hard, because it's a very small fort. I thought of a couple plans of attack, if you'd like to hear them."

"I'll hear them on the way." Deccus said to Kleth, then addressed everyone else. "No time to waste! We leave immediately!" Deccus waved for the door, and headed for it. Everyone else followed, of course. Disobeying your leader was a great taboo. Those who did wallowed in shame alone. Loyalty to your leader was an important lesson to be learned.

Leaving the room, his troop close behind, Deccus descended the stairs, exited the Academy, walked to the the main gate. He gave his name, rank and objective to the guard on top of the wall, who told others within the wall itself to open the gate. Slowly and surely, on a heavy track within the wall, the gates slid to the side halfway, just enough for a person to pass through. Deccus stepped through this gap, and his troop followed, the gate closing promptly behind them.

"Which way, Kleth?" Deccus asked.

Kleth pulled a compass out from one of the many pockets on his backpack and pointed to the east. Deccus led a professional march in that direction, and they all followed.

They kept this march until outside of Vahal's sight, when Holly sped up to walk beside Deccus, and spoke in their usual sarcastic banter tone.

"You sounded kinda like a leader there. I'm almost impressed."

Deccus smiled. "Almost?"

"'til you do more than talk, yes."

"I shouldn't have to show you anything. You've seen me in action."

"Years ago. You might have gotten stiff since then."

"Haven't heard the stories about me, have ya?"

Holly rolled her eyes. "I stop paying attention whenever I hear your name."

"Hearin' about me makes you dream, eh? Eh? Eh?"

He barely dodged a swing that she had sent his way. "I'll knock you out if you keep talkin' like that." She said while shaking her fist at him.

Deccus laughed again and jumped sideways, just out of Holly's reach. "You couldn't in the Academy, and you couldn't now!"

They heard a sigh behind them, and they turned to see Kaeden glaring at them. "Why don't you two just kiss already?"

Holly tackled Kaeden instantly. They started to punch and kick, tearing up the snow around them. Deccus reached down and pulled Holly away and held her back from jumping back in. She calmed down after a second while Ted helped pull Kaeden up.

Kleth looked to Deccus and Holly. "It's obvious you two know each other, but is there a history between you?"

Deccus and Holly looked at each other for a second, before he asked "Should I explain?". She nodded and straightened her hair while Deccus spoke. "You're right, Kleth. We know each other. Way back to our Academy days. Not right away though, since I first came here to be a cook, not a soldier. They made me join the Aca-"

"Wait...!" Kaeden spoke up, brushing snow off himself. "You wanted to be a cook?!"

Deccus nodded. "Yep! I didn't wanna fight, and I like cooking, so why not? They wouldn't let me, though. I was too strong to just stay in a kitchen, so they made me join the Academy. First day of training, and I was the best of the class. I didn't even really try, and I already could run faster, punch harder, shoot better and do better in a blizzard than everyone else. Heck, the only one in the class that came close to me was Holly."

She jumped in immediately. She wasn't going to let Deccus do the talking about her. "And that's cuz I grew up with a lot of brothers. I didn't wanna be all wimpy and girly, so I fought back to'em. Got tough. When I came here, I couldn't even arm wrestle my older brother, but when I get back to Colorado after this place, oh it'll be different. I've gotten way stronger, faster, better at fighting... I'll kick the asses of all six of my brothers!"

Kleth was taken a little aback from this. "Six brothers? All of them older?"

"Nah, one of'em is younger."

"You're the only one that came here?"

"I was the only one that wanted to!"

Deccus was silently glad that none of her brothers came along. A whole family of them would be trouble to any Howler, but would they have seen Deccus as a threat after all the years he had known Holly? He would rather not find out.

"Sorry about the shiner there, Kaeden." Holly pointed to the black eye that was forming on Kaeden.

He grunted and waved a hand. "It ain't nothin'. I'm too big for that to hurt me." Ted was putting snow into a small sack for Kaeden's eye.

Kleth piped up. "How'd you get so big, anyways?"

Kaeden punched his palm with a loud smack, then put the ice pack on his eye. "You get like this where I'm from. A place in Montana right by a bunch of cliffs. Climbin' all those years, it'd be weirder if I came out small like Ted!"

Kaeden nudged the smaller boy lightly, who nudged back fearlessly. There seemed to be an unspoken trust between the two of them, perhaps beyond even Deccus and Holly's sarcastic rivalry.

Deccus spotted this, and directed a question to Ted. "Did you two know each other at home?"

Ted nodded, and Kaeden spoke. "Yep, we were neighbours back home. He looks small, but he could probably rassle you to the ground if he tried."

I don't think he'd ever want to... Deccus thought to himself, not being able to imagine the quiet and calm Ted being capable of violence. There was probably a good reason he was a medic. Whether he didn't like to fight or just wasn't good at it, it didn't matter. Though, the down-filled coat that Ted wore didn't seem loose at all. His body must be big enough to fill the thick coat. Was Ted as strong as Kaeden thought? If he had Kaeden's respect, he must be...

"Don't try and hide, Kleth!" Holly burst out. "Bein' all quiet, hoping we wouldn't notice! Out with it!"

Kleth pretended to be clueless. "Out with what, Holly?"

"Your story! You musta come from somewhere!"

Kleth sighed, and admitted defeat. "Alright, alright... I'm from Alaska, no brothers or sisters. My parent's weren't around much, so I spent a lot of time outside alone. Nice looking place there, but no one was around. I got bored real fast, so I asked my parents if I could come here. I'm no good at fighting, but I still wanted to help. I figured being a scout and packboy was the best way to go for me."

"Doesn't that backpack get heavy?" Holly asked, glancing at the large sack.

Kleth shook his head. "Nah. Once I get used to it, I don't know it's there 'til I take it off."

Holly was getting eager with her questions. "Do you look even smaller when it's off?"

"We'll have to see later." Deccus said loudly, lifting a hand up to stop everyone. "The enemy base is just ahead."

Sure enough, in the distance there was a fortress made of a snow wall. A wide snow dune had been blown almost completely around it, which would provide cover for them to scout first.

"Doesn't look so bad." Kleth already was peeking over the top of the dune, looking through binoculars. Deccus wondered for a second where he got them. "The wall is about ten feet high, twenty feet wide... Only four people guarding, walking around on top of the wall."

"Wait!" Deccus whispered, kneeling down close to Kleth. "On top of the wall? Like Vahal?"

It took Kleth a second to notice that walking on top of a wall was unusual. "Yeah, but this place is way smaller! The wall shouldn't be big enough to hold up a person!"

"There's something different about it, then. This'll be a good fort for the Engies to look at. Everyone!" Deccus turned to the others in his troop, speaking with purpose. "Even though there's just four Howlers on top, there could be more inside the base. So I suggest that we stand strong just outside of their range, and let them come to us. We can take them out on equal ground, and not when they're on the wall. Objections? Suggestions?"

Kleth reached into his backpack and brought out a rope and wooden hook. Perfect to climb a wall with...

"Where did you get those?" Deccus asked.

"I find all sorts of things. How can these help?" Kleth asked.

Deccus took them in his hand and looked them over. Could get one person over the wall with this. But who?

He looked at the weapons his troops had. Kleth and Ted were both unarmed. Holly had a normal rifle-shaped Snowthrower gun. Only fired one shot at a time, and not too quickly. Lots of ammo, though. Kaeden's snowthrower was larger, more bazooka-like, fired bigger shots, and faster too. But not for very long. He would have to reload a lot. Which one...

"Alright, here's the plan." Deccus started. "One of you will sneak around to the back of the fort. The rest of us will be at the front of it. We'll hit'em quick, then fall back out of their shot range. We'll keep'em busy while the sneaker climbs the wall and gets'em from behind. We'll make a lotta noise so they don't hear you. Holly, you're the best yeller."

"Hey!"

Deccus ignored Holly's outburst. "Questions?"

"Yeah, who's gonna be the sneaker?" Kaeden asked.

He put the rope and hook into Kaeden's hands. "You!"

"Why him?" Holly hissed.

"He's better at climbing than you! He needs to get up that back wall fast as he can."

Kleth raised his hand. "What if they don't come out to get us?"

"Then we'll keep'em extra busy so Kaeden can get'em by surprise. How many times can you shoot before you hafta reload, Kaeden?"

"About ten."

"Perfect! When you climb up, fire those shots fast as you can, then drop down to reload, and do it again."

"Okay!"

"Let's go, then! Kaeden, head off around the fort first. We'll wait a bit, then attack, and see if they come out at us."

Kaeden nodded and sped off. The high snow dune worked perfect for sneaking, and once he worked his way around the curve, not even his own team could see him.

Deccus and Holly checked over their equipment. Deccus had a good set of wooden armour that covered his upper body. Above his boots was wooden armour that covered his forelegs and thighs, but only on the front. He put his helmet on, which covered his whole head except his face. He had a shield strapped firmly onto his left arm, which he made himself. This gave him all the protection he needed. His gun went around his hand and forearm. It packed a punch, but couldn't fire many shots before he had to reload. One of the triggers inside the gun opened a slot to the ammo bin, which he could just scrape on the snow to reload.

Holly had no armour, but she had a thick jacket that could cushion attacks well enough. She had a helmet that was lighter than Deccus', since it had an open space in the back to let her longer hair down. She usually left it off during fights, though. Too uncomfortable. The only other protection she had were Bracers, wooden armour that wrapped around the forearms.

Both Kleth and Ted didn't have weapons, so instead they rolled snowballs with their hands and kept a stack of them in one arm, and threw with the other. A good old fashioned way to fight here, but wasn't taken very seriously anymore.

"All ready?" Deccus asked quietly. Everyone nodded. Deccus stood up and pointed to the fort with his weapon arm. "CHARGE!"

They all jumped over the top of the snow dune they had been hiding behind and ran straight for the Howler fort, yelling a loud battle cry as they went. All the Howlers on top of the wall turned towards them, and stood on the side nearest the attackers. Wasting no time, the Howlers aimed their snowthrowers and fired.

"Behind me!" Deccus yelled to his teammates and raised his shield to block the shots. His shield covered him from head to hip, so with his leg armour he could walk slowly while being attacked. The others huddled behind him, so Deccus' wide shield could protect them too. Every shot the Howlers fired just bounced harmlessly off his shield.

"Holly!" Decus said to her as shots pelted his shield harmlessly. "Remember what we did for our final at the Academy?"

"Oh yeah!"

While Deccus was marching up slowly, shield first, Holly put her snowthrower on Deccus' shoulder, aimed as best she could, and fired. The shots weren't too powerful, and it was hard to aim when she couldn't stick her head up, but it was enough to get some Howler heads down. Kleth and Ted threw their snowballs in a high arc, so they would hit from above. Kleth rarely hit, but Ted seemed to have an excellent throwing arm.

A little bit closer, and Deccus put his arm out from his shield, aimed right for a Howler, and fired. The shot flew out powerfully, and struck one right in the head. It knocked him backwards, and he fell to the ground behind the wall.

"Show off!" Holly yelled. She stood up quickly, held her gun properly, and shot off a few well-aimed rounds. She had aimed for only one of the Howlers, and the shots hit him all over. He tried to shoot for her, but he got hit in the face with a shot, and he jumped off from the wall to clean his face.

The gate of the fort opened up a little, and four fresh soldiers crawled out and to their feet.

"Take out the two on the wall first!" Deccus ordered.

A hailstorm of snow was sent at the top soldiers. They didn't stick around to get hit, and jumped to the ground behind the wall.

This left the four on the ground. Deccus opened his ammo tray, scooped more snow, and aimed at them instead. Holly put her gun on Deccus' shoulder again and fired as quickly as she could. Kleth and Ted threw their snowballs with excellent aim, and hit two of them in the face. They turned their backs to clear their faces, but their backs got hit by a bunch of shots, and they started to run off. Deccus managed to hit one behind the knee, and he fell to the ground and dropped his weapon.

"Ha ha ha!" Holly laughed at the last two. "You're no match for us!"

Deccus stood to his full height, his shield still up and his weapon aimed right at them. Kleth and Ted stepped out, their arms full of snowballs. Holly lifted her gun, held it at her shoulder, and also stepped out.

Outnumbered now, the last two Howlers looked a little scared. Deccus stepped forward towards him, his gun still aimed right at them. Holly didn't take her aim off of them, and stepped closed too.

The Howlers dropped their weapons to the snow and lifted their hands in surrender.

Deccus grinned. His first victory!

The dialogue is decent, though I suggest you decide on what type of measurements you are using (feet and meters are different systems). Also... "talked'a" just comes across really strange.

The main thing I think you could do is intersperse some descriptions in with the dialogue. You just have this back and forth between characters in the beginning with no indication of what they are doing... you get better about it at the end at least. But it is something to think about... what are your characters doing while they talk? Is one shifting from foot to foot, running a hand their their hair, straightening a collar, etc?

I have been trying to pinpoint the thing that was getting me so confused in the story, and Elara's post made me realize that it is the beginning. After rereading some of it, I realized that because the beginning is mainly back and forward dialogue as if it were a script, I have no idea of a setting, what the characters are feeling, thinking, etc. Mainly in the beginning, maybe put in some more action such as whether they just said it, smirked, said it in a stern matter, and the like. This style works with scripts because it is supposed to be more open to make each show different. In a story, however, I find it hard to follow without the small details about what is going on during the dialogues and without putting in how they say it.