I wanted to thank everyone for everything they have done for me on this website. I was never a good contributor to this website. I over thought my posts and other times didn’t think at all. This was one of the few places I put my thoughts into the world. And I thank all of you for at least reading them. Even when you didn’t reply to my threads I didn’t care. Just someplace to have a voice. I didn’t really know what I was doing here all these years.

The reason for this post is this will be my final journal which I hope to be editing or replying to over the last of my days. It will be my final Journal if you will let me. If you consider this a goodbye thread then please close it and know that this may be my last post if I follow through with my plan. Maybe I will break the rules and make new threads. Don’t know.

I have decided to enact VSED (Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking) upon myself.

I considered and tried suicide but that didn’t work. I’ve considered saving up money and traveling to Switzerland to legally ending my time but I’ve lost the ability to work so that won’t work either. Hawaii is one of the few states where you can legally ask for end of life services. But it only includes people who are terminally dying within 6 months left left to live. I’m living with Depression which is a slow dying process so I don’t qualify. VSED is the only way out now for me.

I’ve considered all things and the only thing I can’t account for is the reaction of those around me. The ones who care about me. The innocent bystanders like those on this website. It may seem like I’m being selfish. And maybe I am. But I've made the decision so far. There will come a point where there is no going back. Until that time comes… I don’t think I’ll change my mind before then.

If you feel this is for attention then I except your opinions of me and this thread. I’ve currently become nearly mute and not wanting to speak to anyone. I’m hoping that everyone will eventually grow sick of my actions and will walk away. I hope they hate me so that I can die alone like I’ve always thought I should. This is currently the only communication I’m having at the moment and I’m using this thread as a way to be able to speak. Maybe this will be unintentionally be a way to encourage others to live every day as their last.



Day 1
song
Fix The Day
Kang Hyun Min
https://youtu.be/j9zn2n4uq5Y
I feel ok. My Husband was initially angry because it’s true I betrayed him. I tried to commit suicide but of course I didn’t succeed. I’ve never been able to do it. This time it’s been a long time since the last time I tried. This time was trying to suffocate myself with a bag in a bathtub of nice warm water. To scary. Couldn’t do it. I wish it was easier. Quicker. Quieter. More peaceful. Alas I stumbled upon the term VSED, after cleaning up, and saw it was legal but it seems expensive and I didn’t think i would qualify. So I called someone and it is true. Someone as young as me in my 30s and only depression as the only reason for wanting it. It would be very difficult. It will be difficult as I get to the point of no return without medical intervention like VSED. But I think the only way to keep the money burden low will be to slowly waste away till the point people will have to medically intervene. I will enact VSED legally at that time. If I really wanted to be no burden I would have run away with only a tent and then slowly wasted away alone where no one would be able to find me. But Husband had me call Parents as a last ditch effort to help me. But I’ve given up already and it was already too late. It was a mistake to have met him. I knew about my slow death and still had hope at that time about life. I regret falling in love. I regret lying to everyone all these years. I wished I wasn’t born. That would have been the easiest solution. Not being born at all. I was not fine. What a waste of space, time, and effort of all those around me and me. I don’t know what I was thinking. Having the dream of majoring in music performance, anything you could think of, soloist, broadway pit orchestra, movie music, backup music for major artists, music therapy, etc. I was never good enough in this type of competitive field. Always someone better than you. I lost interest in it right after high school was over. A symptom of my depression… losing interest in everything… even the things and people you thought you loved…. I miss high school it was the one time in my life where I had a real purpose. I wish I could just be stuck there forever. It’s true I still was not happy during that time, still depressed, but i was literally living my dream at that time. First chair in the school orchestra and band program, had a private teacher, participated in state youth symphony program, etc. I could have lost interest and drive at any time during those years. But I didn’t and I still don’t know why after all these years. Never figured it out and no longer want to know. Knowing what I know now and seeing all my actions flash before me and reenact it’s self over and over and over again day after day. I’ve wondered if this was what PTSD was like. Felt like I was reliving nightmares again and again. Even in my dreams I couldn’t escape them. I’ve lived with night terrors throughout my life and they trigger anger outbursts throughout the night. Many I couldn’t remember but the ones I do remember… it’s like my mind is torturing itself while I sleep.
I’ve run out of things to say today. I feel ok for not eating or drinking for a day so far since yesterday when everything happened. Feel like I've been doing this since I was born. I’m surprised I didn’t think of this a long time ago. I’ve been dying slowly anyways.
Live every day like it’s your last. So cliche… coming from the guy trying to die.
See you tomorrow maybe.
Love sincerely, Cameron

Day 2
Song
這麼多年
Yisa Yu
https://youtu.be/8aSdx9acA8s
Feeling weaker. The thirst in my mouth is bare able. I read that this is standard due to the dehydration so I’ve been swishing my mouth with water and spitting it out. They say to mist the mouth with water or to swab the inside of the mouth with water soaked cotton. I’ll eventually do that once I can’t get out of bed. My parents finally went home last night. They say they will come back today… I wish they would just let me go so that they don’t have to see me go through with this. All their presence does is make me cry. Same for my husband. I’ve told him so many times to go to work to go away and that I hate all of them. Such feeble attempts to force them away during this process I know. Really stupid really but why should you care about someone who is throwing away their life towards death. It’s like when people abandon addicts. Same context different subject. I still have the strength to go down stairs from the 4th floor to go smoke. I’m hoping the smoking will dehydrate me faster. I will probably die from the dehydration faster than the starvation. My coworkers keep contacting me to tell me to live. All that results in is tears and hangups. They shouldn’t care about a random person they work with. Especially one who called out so much due to not being able to leave the house because of anxiety or depression. God this phone feels so heavy now. Wishing I got a smaller iPhone. I’m highly aware of my body now. My heart beat, breathing patterns, my body weakness, etc. As hardened as my mind and heart are these days I am afraid of the pain. I’m hoping to enact VSED for the medical intervention after the point of no return. That won’t take away all the pain I read but it will help. Hopefully I lose consciousness before then. I hope for a coma then i will be dreaming at least I hope. Maybe it will be my night terrors but eventually it will be all over anyways. The price for peace and freedom have always been heavy. Hopefully my hard work will pay off. I just got off the phone with a therapist and refused her treatment. I’m hoping that’s a nail in the coffin. I can’t play games a lot because the phone is heavy and I can’t concentrate to much. Lying down is uncomfortable. Though when I become tired enough I finally fall asleep. Even music is no longer as powerful as it was before. Sometimes the silence is deafening though. My husband sits quietly on my bedside. He doesn’t speak to me often anymore. He doesn’t touch me anymore because it hurts when people touch me now, tears, anger, and sorrow is all I feel. Also a deafening silence within myself is also present at times. I wish there was another way. But I’m afraid this is the only way. Ok this phone is getting heavy and I can’t concentrate anymore.
I wish you all the best in your lives. Sometimes you will never know the best time so just go for it.
See you tomorrow maybe.
Love Sincerely, camkunimura

Hey. I know text on a screen probably doesn't mean any more to you than the things that your husband and parents have been saying. But I'm noticing some contradictions in your posts. I could be interpreting it wrong, but to me it seems like you feel like a burden to others. You say that your parents should just leave and your husband should just go to work, and that your co-workers shouldn't care. But clearly you are not a burden to them, because they do care. They wouldn't be dedicating this time and effort to you if you did not genuinely matter to them. Even if you cannot see it, you are having a positive impact on their lives. They care about you. "Why should you care about someone who is throwing away their life towards death," and yet they do. I think it is important that you understand that.

It's hard to think about the purpose of living at all. In the grand scheme of things, one person's life may seem insignificant. But the ripple effect is enormous. The actions of a single person can have tremendous implications for the future of humanity, and it starts with interpersonal relationships. It starts with the way that you communicate with, interact with, and love the people around you. There is no doubt that your parents and husband are different people—better people—because of you. And you have undoubtedly influenced more people than you would even know. Think about all the people that have made an impact on you. Ever receive wise advice from a teacher or peer? Hear a funny joke from someone that has stuck with you since? Receive a compliment from a stranger that made your day? You have done these same things for other people. And the world would be a better place if you continue to do so.

Now it's my turn to try to impact those around me. I'm going to give a small suggestion. Try something new. Make a change. Try a new hobby. Or a new job. Make a new friend. Go somewhere you have never been before. Or, if you really want to be drastic, move. To a new city, new state, or even a new country. It's not fair to say that death is the only option when there are so many things in life that you have never tried. Once you've tried everything that life has to offer, then fine. But there is so much to do, and see, and try, that you'll have died of old age by that point anyway. Don't give up just because you haven't found happiness yet. Keep looking. Get up, get your body moving, get some fresh air, get some food and water in you, and try something different. It can never hurt to try.

I'm closing this thread.

If anyone reading this is in despair and considering taking their own life, please reach out to a suicide crisis line.