I never saw myself coming back… well, “coming back,” I don’t really know if I am returning. I told myself I would never come back because due to all the past events that happened, specifically concerning discord, it felt as if my view on Vizzed was shattered to the point of being “unfixable.” When I first came here four and a half years ago, I admired this site so much. It had helped me grow as a person, and it was the reason I fought my suicidal tendencies when life took a dark turn.

Basically, Vizzed was a second home to me, until last year, when so much went downhill. I don’t want to bore with the details, but I do want to ask a question.

“How would you feel if people who you thought you got along with turned against you for dating someone they disliked?”
That basically happened last year. Vanelan and I became a couple, and I understood all the concerns. We hadn’t met each other yet. We are fourteen years apart. I was graduating from high school at the time. What I never understood though… this is aimed to the people who dislike Van and the people who side with them: why would you drag me down for it?

So many things happened that broke my heart. People I thought I was on good terms with, I discovered they said a lot of mean things about me behind my back, and saying this, I mean, they created different discord servers so they can say a lot of rude things and feel everything would be okay because I’m not there to see, so they’d never get caught. It was one thing for me to speak poorly about several people in the main discord server, and I am very well aware that I was wrong to do that, and I am really sorry for having done that.

However, these people who did all of this… they were people I trusted. I rarely ever spoke poorly about them until I discovered what was going on, and it hurt so much.

Another thing to have happened was all the rumors that spread about me.

“Oh, she’s the admin’s pet!”
“She gets special treatment!”
“She has special admin powers on discord because she’s dating Van!”

I’m sorry, but all of these rumors were especially hurtful. Even now, I can still recall a conversation I had with someone on the discord server who proved to me that people actually believed these rumors. Someone had joined the server and asked me to do something with global emotes, and I told them “I can’t. I don’t have global powers.”

I left because all of this was too much on me. I already had my own life to deal with, and this was all unnecessary. I went away to take care of myself, and back in December, I returned to the discord server and lingered there for a while. Even though I was in a better spot, the same people who had trouble with me are still not too fond of me. Even now, I still get passive-aggressive comments on the server that implies anything negative around me, ranging from my past actions to my appearance and own personal life. I don’t reply to them because I know it would stir unnecessary drama in the server, but honestly, what are you gaining from this if you keep doing this?

I left these people for a reason. It wasn’t to be spiteful or a brat. It was because they were doing something I did not tolerate, ranging from betraying me and saying negative things about me behind my back to even bullying several of my friends for being autistic or trans. It didn’t matter what excuse these people made. Even if they were annoyed by their actions, it did not justify hitting all of their anger buttons for the sake of self-satisfaction. If you have a problem with someone, you can block them instead of starting a fire.

Like I said, these people responsible were people I once looked up to, and indirectly, it destroyed my views on the site as a whole. I also mention in David’s apology that I had partly blamed the things that happened to me on him, since I felt that he, as an owner, should have done something to prevent this, but did nothing. Again, like I said in his apology, I was wrong to have blamed him and should have acknowledge that he too has his own life and struggles, just like me and a lot of people who continue to come to this website.

I’m not going to summon anyone to this thread either, and this is due to what happened back in June when I did that while venting about an annoying day. Was I childish? Sure, BUT did it mean making fun of me and putting me down even more than I already was? HELL NO. This moment had also destroyed my views on Vizzed being my “second home” and while I’m aware that at least one person had apologized for it, it still hurt to think back and realized just how rude people can be for selfish reasons. It’s why this site is dying, because people don’t feel welcome here. When people post to express themselves, they should be able to do so without being put down for, and if someone was doing something wrong or being a little childish, we can tell them “hey, maybe you should do this instead of this.”

I’m very sorry if I caused a lot of trouble in the past. It wasn’t my intention, and to be honest, I’m aware people really missed me, but thinking of returning to Vizzed has given me pain and anxiety. However, when I see David’s apology, not only did I admit my mistakes, but I feel that maybe, one day, I’ll come back, stronger than I was today. I mean, I can come back now if I really want to, but I want my negative feelings about this website to fade away first. I want to give myself hope that Vizzed can be another home for me again. I’ve also began to tell myself that the people who caused a lot of trouble for me in the past do not represent Vizzed.

Vizzed is about being together as a family and helping each other out, or so I believed it was, but I'm sure this is what Vizzed was intended to be. We should be helping each other now, not putting each other down and being cold about it behind our backs. I've worked hard to move on and try to be a better person, and if people can't move on... then I can't help them. If they can't realize what they did was wrong, then I can't do anything about it. I can be nice, be friendly, try to help them, but I can't control their actions, and I certainly can't control their feelings about me. If they dislike me, that's fine, but at least move on instead of continuously being passive-aggressive towards me or saying rude things behind my back and expect to get away with me. 

Anyways, before I leave, I'll at least share how my life has been prior to leaving, both the good and the bad. 

First, I have mentioned before that I moved out of my mom's house and went to my dad's. He wasn't a first choice for me, but he was my only way to escape from my mother since she had continued to control my life. The only good thing to came out of this was my mom had admitted to being wrong about trying to control my life and apologized. Otherwise...

With me being in his home, my dad basically shoved almost all of his responsibilities at his house down to me, and he also used his daughter (my 14-year-old sister) to tell me everything I needed to do. What he didn't consider was that my sister is at a stage in life where she only worries about herself and will forget to tell me what I need to do, so this really didn't go well for my dad. At the same time, when he saw my grandma at work, he would complain to her about me over everything, ranging from me not doing chores he told my sister to tell me to do, to even the simplest things like "this sound she makes while eating is so annoying."

When Van came to my dad's attention, I found out about the things my dad said about me behind my back. I also found out my dad spent his Thanksgiving complaining about how I have an older boyfriend and tried to blame my cousins for it, since I have a good relationship with them, and he tried to speak as if they're responsible for why I'm dating an older man. And at the same time... I had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

After the semester ended, I went to my mom's house, and she told me to tell my dad I was staying with mom's for the winter break due to how he's been acting since discovering I have a boyfriend, and my mom would help me prepare for it. While I was getting ready, my dad messaged me and asked me how long I was going to be away. At the time, I wasn't sure, so I told him "maybe two weeks."

He then told me the following (in summary):

"Can you stay away for a little longer? I'm really tired of (my stepmom's name) complaining about you all the time, and I'll talk to her about it and get rid of her soon."

At the time, I was really angry, and I mentioned it on FB very vaguely, when he told me to delete it and "not make things worse for him." A few hours later, he messaged me again.

"Look, Yacinda, (stepmom) saw my message and we had a fight. I'm sorry for lying to you, but you shouldn't be posting about personal stuff on facebook."

Since then, I ceased all contact with my dad, but I'm going back to his home tomorrow so I can retrieve all my belongings and give the family (everyone else, not my dad) the gifts I bought them for Christmas, and never set foot in there again. Since then, it finally came to the attention of my family (both mom and dad's sides) that I'm dating, and a lot of people had said a lot of nice things about it, noting that I've appeared to be much happier.

At the same time, though, my dad never really got over getting caught lying to me and blaming my stepmother for it. First, he claimed that the reason we were not on good terms was because I wasn't following his rules and he'd allowed me back only if I did so. Then, he tried to pin blame on my own boyfriend while making comments like, "she's a baby, and an older man is touching her! that's statutory rape!"
 
I moved back to my mom's house, and even though she still does things that really annoyed me, I feel much comfortable being around her and feel I could forgive her for some of the things she did in the past that I didn't like or agree with. 

And other things, I have started the spring semester in college. I'm trying to lose weight (not working out too well, but still trying!), I celebrated my one year anniversary with Van, and I've taken up dancing as a hobby along with fanfiction writing.

Once again, I want to apologize for all the trouble I may have caused or made worse. Even though I feel I have grown a bit, I'm still experiencing new ways to better myself, and now I'm trying to tell myself that Vizzed can be a home to me, like it has four years ago. 

I know this is a long read, but thank you if you took the time to read it. 

An 30 year old going out of his way to interact with a teen, and that same 30 year old is also a
moderator/admin raises so many red flags for Vizzed.

Not least, this pushes away options of being with people their own age instead of those senior, who may create an unfair or abusive relationship in ways that younger person would not even be aware of. Nobody is perfect.

This is not an attack on your relationship, whatsoever. I hope to heck that it is a happy and safe one, truly.
Here's hoping that the bullying won't go unnoticed and some better staff choices will at least make Vizzed a cool place for others in the future., like it was for us once.

It was hella cool with you all around.

On3On : To be fair, I never saw myself in a relationship with Van years back, largely because I was too busy being effed over by my trash high school friends, but when it happened, I thought "can this really work?" and then went "let's give it a try."

It's been over a year now. We're still together, and I'm currently at his home for spring break. I can easily say it's doing well, even if it costed my relationship with several people whom I thought I could trust, but honestly, it's better to cut out people who aren't 100% loyal. It's one thing to express concerns over my relationship (several people did), but attacking really goes out of line. It's why I'm still not on speaking terms with my dad, while my mom and I are trying to improve our relationship, and my mom and grandma have accepted Van as part of the family.

Also, I miss talking to you and chilling in the chatroom. We need to have that fun time again sometime.

tornadocam : I've seen you around a lot back then, but I never took the chance to interact with you. I know you never said anything to me, so you're not responsible for the rumors and other issues of bullying that happened.

You're absolutely right in that rumors can destroy someone. People say to always ignore them, and "rumors are rumors," but how about when discovering these rumors were started by the very people I trusted before? As of now, a few of my former friends are still very salty over me dumping them because I discovered they were not only spreading lies about me, but they were also targeting my other friends, whom they claimed to be "horrible," even though my friends were basically harmless. 

I've read you mentioning what you said before, but in here, you mention it in more detail, and I am really sorry it happened to you. I'm going to tell you, in the past I was diagnosed with aspergers. I can't say much about it since it's never brought up with me anymore, but aspergers is absolutely nothing like those girls claim it was about you. While it's great that they got comeuppance for their actions, the damage was already done :/ Are you still good friends with her?

And people think the Discord server should be Vizzeds chat room. I am alarmed on several levels by this post mind you, but...Discord has no room here.
Davideo7 :
I have no idea if any users are convincing you to use Discord for the sites chat, but the above post is all the reasons why not.

also, my xbox won't let me tag lately. If this summon fails, will a kind soul help?

manicman66 : You know me, so I'd hope I need no preface for this post about how I don't mean to be rude and all that, so let's skip it. lol

What exactly about that post makes you feel that we let some horrible stuff go on on the Discord server? I've seen this sentiment elsewhere, though I can't recall who shared it. Hopefully I've proven myself trustworthy enough for my words to carry weight in this opinion.

The server isn't some bad place where we house a bunch of improper activity. We enforce Vizzed rules there just like here. Almost all of the drama that happened in this case took place in threads on Vizzed, and the rest was mostly on other Discord servers that aren't tied to Vizzed or the Vizzed Discord server.

Basically, while I myself have pushed for hosting the chat on site, and I look forward to the day when that happens finally, please do know that, while we aren't perfect, we aren't allowing anything shady to happen, and the atmosphere is the same as it would be if it were hosted on site. We're doing out best, and if I felt that we weren't trying or that the server was corrupt, I would leave it myself.

Well, to begin, the fact that several unofficial Vizzed servers were made bothers me. Aside from the fact that Aria alone was seemingly given Admin powers, yet is Trusted on site, I have heard of others given similar treatment. I have also heard many people say that the rules, while enforced by some, are stretched, if not shattered by others. And let's be frank. I don't know about some of us, but I myself don't want to make a Discord account, just to use a chatroom. (Unless, of course, I can log in as a guest, in which case, cool.) But should it all go down, the chatroom is 100% agreed with it, I honestly have not much of a say. I trust you, yes, so if you say it's legit, then it is. You haven't steered me wrong before, so you wouldn't do it this time.

manicman66 :
Eirinn :

Really don't want to derail my thread too much to make it only about the discord server, but I'll add a few things.

"Aria having admin powers" was a rumor started all because my name appeared higher than the globals, but Van only did that because he'd like to see his girlfriend's name next to his. If people actually took the time to look at my roles or asked me, they'd knew I had absolutely no power, but several people actually believed this rumor.

I absolutely love discord and I use it to talk to a lot of people, but a majority of the people that are active or semi-active on the Vizzed people are the same people who drove me away from the server (and consequently, the site) for a while. Even when I did return to the server, one person left because they didn't like what I said to them regarding being a mod, another person continues to make passive aggressive comments and then gets pissed when my friends confront them about it, and everyone else can't agree eye to eye with Van, constantly picking on him as a "bad admin" but make absolutely no effort to even try to talk to him and all communication falls flat. Plus, these are all the same people who are on servers that aren't "Vizzed" and almost all of these people don't even come to the website anymore.

I'm giving the site another chance, but I'm rarely talking in the Vizzed server on discord because of its lack of activity, plus the fact that I don't find more than half of the "jokes" said even funny at all, and when I do point it out, I receive comments that targets hate against me and my past actions. For me, it's much better to talk on servers with people who actually are fun to talk to, not that every single person on the Vizzed server is a jerk. There are definitely a few people there that are great, but the ones that caused trouble for me in the past make me a bit uncomfortable.

It doesn’t make much sense going to a place where people don’t treat you right. Don’t put yourself through that, it’s absolutely not worth it. It reminds me of high school in a sense that every day after school myself and my group of friends would go to this place across the street to chill and find something to do. Then one year a couple new people joined our group and everyone changed dramatically and thought they were too cool for some people and going there after school became unpleasant. Basically I simply stopped hanging out at that place because I wasn’t comfortable being and also wasn’t welcome or respected anymore. That sounds a lot like you in the discord server. That doesn’t necessarily mean that they represent everyone though, and if discord was made official chatroom of vizzed, a lot of that drama wouldn’t fly. Go where happiness takes you, not where you seek happiness and acceptance, because acceptance isnt always given.

Momo Aria : I had the same feeling as you did, I never saw myself ever returning to Vizzed as well, even 3 weeks ago, I never had any thoughts about returning ever again,.

Even after our time away, we both kept in touch on DeviantArt, and I also told you that I would of never return to Vizzed and personally couldn't careless on what happens to the site, but that was the past and also giving the site another chance.

So, we both basically come from the same boat