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10-17-17 01:57 PM

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Pacman+Mariofan
10-08-17 12:11 PM
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Pacman+Mariofan
10-11-17 07:08 PM

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The best about Mario - a Rap/Poem/whatever

 

10-08-17 12:11 PM
Pacman+Mariofan is Offline
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PacmanandMariofan
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Hey, vizzed members! I love Mario games so much that I decided to write this poem about Mario. It’s supposed to be more of a rap than a poem, but read it however you want; I’m not stopping you.

"The Best About Mario"

My favorite character’s
A dude named Mario
When it comes to video games
He’s a star-io
Best type of exercise?
He’d say kart-io
I’m really glad he doesn’t look so much
Like Wario

Mario saves Princess Peach
Instead of relaxing
On the beach
He runs through every castle
Like it isn’t
Such a hassle

When he isn’t saving Peach
He’s racing in go-karts
He gets plenty of chances
To practice his street smarts

He stomps on Goombas
And steps
On Koopa Troopas
And underwater,
He throws fire at bloopahs

He runs every night and day
It’s just amazing how fast
He can do a 5K
All his enemies can’t keep up
To run as fast as him
They’d need a 7-UP
But Mario don’t need no 7-UP
When he can already eat mushrooms
And get a 1-UP!
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Post Rating: 1   Liked By: MarioLucarioFan64,

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10-08-17 01:22 PM
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MrBeingcool1
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You could make an actual song out of this. Looks nice!

Also, your profile picture. xD
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Post Rating: 1   Liked By: Pacman+Mariofan,

10-08-17 01:33 PM
Pacman+Mariofan is Offline
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PacmanandMariofan
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MarioLucarioFan64 : Thank you! I still have to write this poem down in the notebook I copy down all my poems into when they're finished. I've thought about recording myself rapping it and showing it to friends, but I decided against it. It would be difficult and my parents would probably come in my room and interrupt it if I don't tell them beforehand :P

And yeah, since I have the Luigi death stare in my layout I thought, why not add another 1 as my profile picture. It is sort of creepy and near Halloween-time, after all.
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Post Rating: 1   Liked By: MarioLucarioFan64,

10-11-17 06:20 PM
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realplayer109
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If you don't mind me giving just a few critiques!

First of all, the structure of the poem. You should focus on your rhythmic patterns and how the lines develop into each other. The rhymes were excellent and showed significant thought went into them.

Be careful when you are using words TO rhyme, however. I saw in the first verse especially you were keen on using "star-io", and "kart-io". It might just be me, but they really get on my nerves. If you wanted to, you could even change the first verse to something entirely different to fit near rhymes. Something like:

He's Mario,
the best of the show,
when it comes to video-games
you better know he's dope!

It doesn't EXACTLY rhyme, but it sounds a lot better than using fake words. No disrespect or anything! Just trying to make sure you can improve your skills!

Also, what I saw is that the subjects of the verses were a little jumbled. It would be nice if you could categorize each verse into a version of Mario, detailing what he likes to do, rather than putting them all in a jigsaw-like puzzle. This was especially apparent in the first verse. Verses should also be of the same length, though this is entirely up to you, me being picky, as usual.

Overall, amazing job with rhymes and the description of the character is utterly brilliant. Just work on those targets I set above and you'll be set off on your journey. Let's just hope the princess ISN'T in another castle this time.


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10-11-17 06:47 PM
Pacman+Mariofan is Offline
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realplayer109 : Thank you for all the feedback! Yeah, I only wanted to do the fake words that rhymed with Mario in the 1st stanza. The kart-io part I gladly kept because it's a pun but I agree that stanza could have gone much better.

The reason not every stanza is the same length is because I sometimes like to make the beginning and end ones longer to have a strong start and end. I tried to keep the middle stanzas at a semi-consistent length.

Unfortunately, since I don't have the ideal amount of time to write poems, I don't spend a lot of time on them. Some turn out better than others, though. Hopefully I improve as I go but writing is more of a quick hobby for me :)
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10-11-17 06:50 PM
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realplayer109
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Don't worry! All is good, keep working. You have a very good thing coming.

The consistency of the stanza varies from verse to verse. I feel that they could all be the same consistent length realistically. Trying to create a more intense effect and weak effects on others can be damaging to a poem if not done correctly. I feel that the topic of this poem is very joyful, therefore maybe these effects weren't needed AS much as they were portrayed.

But good effort! Hope to see more of your works, and by the way, I will review your other works as well. They do seem a lot more organized.
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10-11-17 07:08 PM
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realplayer109 : Yeah, this poem was mostly meant to be funny, therefore I didn't take it very seriously XD I focused on being clever and having a consistent rhyme scheme.
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