So, it's been a long time since I've addressed you guys, and given you an update on how I've been doing. I know there are a lot of new faces around the site, and a lot has changed on this site in the past few years, what I call "my hayday". So, for my friends who might have forgotten, and the new people I've mingled with a little bit here and there, I'll give you guys a little bit of a background on who I am. 

I'm Caleb, but around vizzed, I'm called thing1, or Thing to most. I've been banned 3 times from the site for getting into arguements with the staff over various stuff (all of which could have been avoided, and 1 of them I don't count, so really 2. ) I'm Elite now I guess because I was a Patreon supporter for awhile until I just couldn't afford it anymore, coupled with my board stats. I haven't really contributed to the site much, as I was only a Game Reviewer for a few months before I stepped down to join the Army in August of 2012. After just a year, I was honorably discharged becuase I couldn't really do my job due to injuries that I devoleped early on in Basic Training, but didn't catch until 6 months down the road, when I was alread at my duty station. 
I now have at least 1 herniated disc (might have up to 3 or 4 total), a pinched ciatica nerve that runs all the way down my left leg, wrecking havoc in my buttcheek, thigh, sometimes calf, and my ankle. Especially my ankle lately. So much that I was in hospital overnight 2 weekends ago for OD'ing on acetametaphin trying to manage the pain. They wanted to keep me for 3 days, but I was extremely frustrated with the VA Emergency Room. They brought it cops, claiming I was suicidal and potentially a danger to others because I didn't want to be admitted. I don't really want to go into details about my stay in the hospital, so please don't ask. Just know that I am not suicidal, I don't want to hurt anybody. I just want to be fixed. Which leads me to the next thing I want to bring up. 

I have a mental health appointment that was supposed to be on Friday, but due to an emergency of the doctor's, it was rescheduled for a few weeks out. It's to get me some medication so I don't have to take a bunch of over the counter stuff due to my immune system or whatever it is that makes me have to take more medication to get the same ammount of effects from a lower dosage. It's also a possability for me to get looked at, and see if my PTSD is getting worse, because I know my depression is. I haven't been very happy, even with everything that has been goign well for me. Don't get me wrong, all the good things are helping a lot, but something is just missing. 

I'm doing a summer semester at Auburn Univerisity, taking Spanish 1, and then Spanish 2. After that, I'll go back to doing my core classes for my sophmore year of studying for a 4 year degree in History, after I switched out of Computer Sciences a few months ago. I have a little bit of a melt down, and I just couldn't do coding anymore. I decided to make a request with my case manager, the guy who actually approves my stuff since I am doing Vocational Rehabilation (or, also known as, Chapter 31). Right now, after the Fall and Spring Semesters, I'm sitting on a 2.75 GPA. You ask me, that's not too bad after being out of school for 4 and a half years, with only a year of a secuity job thrown in there, and a total of 3 and a half years throughout spread out of unemployement. 

Another thing that hadn't been going well was my love life. I've had a few 3 months relationships that just didn't pan out, and a few couple of weeks long relationships as well that just weren't what they seemed to be. But now, I've found something serious. It's still early, and I've been hurt a lot of in the past, but things are going well. She's supportive, nice, sweet, and she loves my dogs. She's amazing. She plays the kind of games that I play, and watches the kind of movies that I watch. I'm struggling financially, and she's already picking me back up from being on my knees in just one of those moods where you just want to say "Screw It," and give up. 

My dogs are helping me, too. I have a 10 month old Minituare Austrailian Sheppard named Charlie Brown, and a 3 month old Beagle puppy named Snoopy. I've had Snoopy for about a month now, and while he's cute and plays like he's a 90 pound Mastiff, he doesn't quite understand the concept of "Don't pee and poop in the apartment!" He's slowly getting better, but it's a frustrating part of raising him. 
Charlie Brown is my service dog for emotional support. He's not cerified, but I'm hoping to get that changed at either my appointment in a few weeks, or my actual appointment to start getting me fixed in mid-July. 

I don't know if I have told anybody, not even my father, who, while we have a strange relationship, I talk with him about just about anything. I trust him. 
The thing I fear the most is losing my sense of mobility. I don't like relaying on others. I know my knees and my back are bad, and that's why I want them fixed. But, if I am ever forced to not be able to walk, to rely on others to get around, I don't think I could live like that. Laura, my girlfriend, offered to give me the money I needed to be able to pay my bills since the VA isn't giving me all of what I'm owed right now (probably because of the switch from Spring to Summer, so there might be a little bit of a delay). Point is, I'm stuggling. 

I finally have good people (and furry children) around to help me. But I just feel like something is missing. I don't know what it is. Coming home to my dogs, spending the day with Laura, it's all good and all. I just feel like something is missing. I feel like I don't have a purpose right now. Sure, you could say making Laura happy, or providing for Charlie Brown and Snoopy is my purpose. But something just isn't right. 

Point is, I'm doing better than I was that last time I gave you guys a big update. I may be struggling, but I'm doing better at coping with it. 

I'll let you guys know how I'm doing whenever I have an appointment, or there is something to report. I'll still lurk in the shadows, posting a post here, a few posts there. I'm always on the Discord server, and I'm trying streaming again, so you can always stop by and say Hi there. I don't really have a schedule for now, but I'm working on it. 

See you guys around. 

Praying for you, man. No matter what, life can be hard and pain is real. It stinks to hear you're having such a rough go of it.

I know this isn't a thread asking for help or advice, and people tend to throw unwanted advice at everyone else all of the time, but I'd suggest turning to God for help too. Maybe you do, maybe you don't, I don't know, I just know that leaning hard on Him gets me through things and gives me purpose.

Anyway, hang in there and take care of yourself, man. Good luck with everything.

thing1 : I really wish that I could have helped you out more when you moved in from Seattle. Things are moving somewhat steadily for me now, but the financial situation is still ( and lets face it...it will probably always be ) a question mark. I am more of a giving person...although I am not really sure why. Seeing bad things happen to good people really make me mad but I have learned that sometimes you just can't do anything about it.

Even though this is none of my business but I'll say something about it anyway...I think you being in a good, serious relationship will help you immensely. I'm not just talking about the financial aspect of it, but also ( and more importantly ) the mental aspect. You won't feel depressed. And if you do, your better half will always be there to support you. In my case, all throughout high school I never had a girlfriend and I never thought I'd get married. Now that I am, I am glad I did. That saying is 100% true "Happy wife, happy life!" Its dead on, in fact.

The bottom line is I would probably be almost in the same situation as you right now if it wasn't for Mel...looking for a purpose in life. But now that I found her, nothing else matters. I don't even question anything anymore. And what's more, just about everything is 50% off now! XD

Anyways, I'm really glad to have met you. You know I have mad respect for anyone who has been in the military. And I think if you just continue to try to support you and your partner, you will be happy. Its the only thing I know how to do anymore. I get up, I go to work, and I get to come back home and get a kiss. I wouldn't have it any other way.

You're a good man Caleb. Don't let life get to you. Have faith!

It's good to see an update from you again, but I'm sorry to hear about all this. You may not feel strong at all right now, but you are very strong for enduring your physical and mental pain. And that feeling about something missing. Like Eirinn, I'm a Christian who asks God for help too, but from time to time I still feel like I'm missing out on something.

One thing you should remember is that even though it might not seem this way, there are so many people who relate to you. They've been through heartbreak, mental and physical injuries holding them back, and longing for more to have in life. You're very fortunate to have dogs and a girlfriend to help you through your situation. My main problem is that most of the people I have in my life are very busy and I don't have a lot of friends I get to often talk to. In fact, the one I've considered my best friend ever since I met her, we only talk once every few months.

What I've realized recently is that I've had this site all along. I haven't met anyone here in person (besides my friend I referred here), but the reassurance I receive from vizzed members during my hard times is unique. You made a great decision to tell us about this.

My final advice to you for this post is similar to Eirinn's. The One who changed my life is God ever since the moment I believed in Him again 3 years ago. He saved me through a friend I met back then, and He offers the best help possible. People are busy and we aren't perfect, but He knows you even better than you do!

This past weekend a pastor I was listening to named Andy Stanley gave a message about how becoming happy is about the "who's" in our lives instead of the "what's". That has transformed my way of thinking, especially now that I'm free for the summer to be around people more.

When I first signed up on vizzed, I was seeking approval from my peers and going the wrong way in life. 4 years later, I've reversed it. I don't care about approval and I'm all about helping people know that everyone matters just as much.

Nothing is impossible to overcome.

I know we've had our differences on the site but I genuinely hope that things are looking up for your real life. It's hard to be in a good mood when life doesn't go how you want it to.

I won't lie and say I hope to see you around here more often but I do hope that things work out with Laura and that you can get your life sorted out to the point where you are satisfied with it.

Good luck.