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04-18-13 08:00 PM
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Short Story
04-18-13 08:00 PM
Barathemos is Offline
| ID: 781724 | 562 Words
Barathemos is Offline
| ID: 781724 | 562 Words
Barathemos
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I have come up with a short story about an Antelope named Magic, Magic Johnson, and a raccoon named Lebron, as in Lebron James. This is the first part of the story and there will be more. This does have parts that have to do with DragonBall Z. Chapter 1 It was a nice day on planet Zaharooki, around 80 and with nice and clear skies. Magic, the Antelope, was outside playing their form of Football when Lebron, the Raccoon walked up to him and said the he wanted to go on an adventure. " But what would we do or go? " Magic asked. " Well, maybe we could go to the secret Volcano, you know mount Sayan. " Lebron answered, sounding kind of hopeful that Magic would say yes. It is a rule that you may not go on top of Mount Sayan without someone with you, it can be a dangerous place. " We would need to go home to get the gear, " Magic exclaimed, " But then we could go." " Then let’s go get that stuff now! " Lebron shouted with excitement. 10 minutes later “ Are you ready to go?” Magic asked. “ Hold on for just a second.” Lebron said as he put his shoes on. “ Alright, now I am ready.” As they got to the mountain, they saw some weird looking wildlife, like a butterfly glowing yellow and a mongoose with red hair. “Well that looks weird, are you sure that it is safe here?” Magic asked feeling concerned. “Not exactly, I have never been here.” Lebron answered. “ Hey! Look at this!” Magic called out, “You can see the magma!” As Lebron walked over, the land under magic collapsed and in he fell. Lebron couldn’t look as Magic plummeted to the bottom and exploded into a shining bright light. Up rose a Superlope! “ My turn!” Lebron exclaimed, as he jumped in. Then up rose a Supercoon. The Superlope had already turned back into Magic, like magic. “ How did you do that?” Lebron asked. “If you just focus your energy than you can turn back!” Magic replied. Very soon Lebron had focused his energy and had turned back into a normal Raccoon. A dark shadow loomed over them as they just stared happily at each other. End Of Part One. Stay tuned! I came up with this while taking a test for the state, and I was done early and was very board, so I wrote this story. These are not the exact words that I had put in the first draft, because I do not have that, but these are very close. I got the idea while thinking about the Six Pack Alope from gravity falls, and thinking about Dragonball Z. I got no hope from friends and they do not really know about this. This is an original work by me and can not be copy righted or copied. Please follow all the rules of vizzed while posting, shown below. Please do not say anything bad about anyone who may be reading this. -Use Proper Spelling/Grammar! -Always proof read your posts! -Vizzed is Family Friendly! Sorry about it being hard to read toward the end. I do not really know how to fix this. If someone can tell me than that would be great. Hope you liked it. an Antelope named Magic, Magic Johnson, and a raccoon named Lebron, as in Lebron James. This is the first part of the story and there will be more. This does have parts that have to do with DragonBall Z. Chapter 1 It was a nice day on planet Zaharooki, around 80 and with nice and clear skies. Magic, the Antelope, was outside playing their form of Football when Lebron, the Raccoon walked up to him and said the he wanted to go on an adventure. " But what would we do or go? " Magic asked. " Well, maybe we could go to the secret Volcano, you know mount Sayan. " Lebron answered, sounding kind of hopeful that Magic would say yes. It is a rule that you may not go on top of Mount Sayan without someone with you, it can be a dangerous place. " We would need to go home to get the gear, " Magic exclaimed, " But then we could go." " Then let’s go get that stuff now! " Lebron shouted with excitement. 10 minutes later “ Are you ready to go?” Magic asked. “ Hold on for just a second.” Lebron said as he put his shoes on. “ Alright, now I am ready.” As they got to the mountain, they saw some weird looking wildlife, like a butterfly glowing yellow and a mongoose with red hair. “Well that looks weird, are you sure that it is safe here?” Magic asked feeling concerned. “Not exactly, I have never been here.” Lebron answered. “ Hey! Look at this!” Magic called out, “You can see the magma!” As Lebron walked over, the land under magic collapsed and in he fell. Lebron couldn’t look as Magic plummeted to the bottom and exploded into a shining bright light. Up rose a Superlope! “ My turn!” Lebron exclaimed, as he jumped in. Then up rose a Supercoon. The Superlope had already turned back into Magic, like magic. “ How did you do that?” Lebron asked. “If you just focus your energy than you can turn back!” Magic replied. Very soon Lebron had focused his energy and had turned back into a normal Raccoon. A dark shadow loomed over them as they just stared happily at each other. End Of Part One. Stay tuned! I came up with this while taking a test for the state, and I was done early and was very board, so I wrote this story. These are not the exact words that I had put in the first draft, because I do not have that, but these are very close. I got the idea while thinking about the Six Pack Alope from gravity falls, and thinking about Dragonball Z. I got no hope from friends and they do not really know about this. This is an original work by me and can not be copy righted or copied. Please follow all the rules of vizzed while posting, shown below. Please do not say anything bad about anyone who may be reading this. -Use Proper Spelling/Grammar! -Always proof read your posts! -Vizzed is Family Friendly! Sorry about it being hard to read toward the end. I do not really know how to fix this. If someone can tell me than that would be great. Hope you liked it. |
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(edited by Barathemos on 04-18-13 08:08 PM)
04-20-13 06:46 PM
thenoobtester is Offline
| ID: 783289 | 360 Words
thenoobtester is Offline
| ID: 783289 | 360 Words
thenoobtester
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I'm going to start out right off the bat by saying that the whole 1st chapter is way too short. A typical chapter is 3,000-5,000 words, this is about 400 words. I know it is a short story, but if it is that short, you should just post it all at once, not post separate chapters. Another big flaw is that the whole entire thing is just dialogue. It is just these two people talking back and forth, with very little descr As Lebron and Magic Johnson approached the volcano, they were amazed by its sheer size. It was higher than anything they had ever seen, and was much bigger up close. It must have been at least 3 miles tall. The volcano had a few patches of grass and some plant life near the bottom, but it became more and more barren towards the top. They saw strange wildlife roaming near the bottom of the volcano, such as bright yellow glowing butterflies, and neon red mongeese. In that, I just thoroughly described the mountain using 1/4 of the words you used for your entire chapter, and I could probably do a better job of it. Also, the story starts off waaay too quickly. I can sum it up in about 20 words. A raccoon and an Antelope want to go on an adventure, so they climb up a forbidden volcano. They find a Superlope and a Supercoon. There. You need to make a story more descr I am not going to go in to the nit-picky details about grammar and sentence structure and all that stuff. I just wanted to go over the major things I saw in your story that were wrong about your story. If you really tried, you could stretch this whole part out in to 5 5,000 word chapters. As Lebron and Magic Johnson approached the volcano, they were amazed by its sheer size. It was higher than anything they had ever seen, and was much bigger up close. It must have been at least 3 miles tall. The volcano had a few patches of grass and some plant life near the bottom, but it became more and more barren towards the top. They saw strange wildlife roaming near the bottom of the volcano, such as bright yellow glowing butterflies, and neon red mongeese. In that, I just thoroughly described the mountain using 1/4 of the words you used for your entire chapter, and I could probably do a better job of it. Also, the story starts off waaay too quickly. I can sum it up in about 20 words. A raccoon and an Antelope want to go on an adventure, so they climb up a forbidden volcano. They find a Superlope and a Supercoon. There. You need to make a story more descr I am not going to go in to the nit-picky details about grammar and sentence structure and all that stuff. I just wanted to go over the major things I saw in your story that were wrong about your story. If you really tried, you could stretch this whole part out in to 5 5,000 word chapters. |
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04-20-13 06:49 PM
Barathemos is Offline
| ID: 783291 | 30 Words
Barathemos is Offline
| ID: 783291 | 30 Words
Barathemos
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thenoobtester: Well, that made me feel good. Don't post in another one of my short stories please. Local Mods: Close and let me redo it. Close my chapter 2 too. Local Mods: Close and let me redo it. Close my chapter 2 too. |
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(edited by Barathemos on 04-20-13 06:53 PM)
04-20-13 06:53 PM
iN008 is Offline
| ID: 783295 | 41 Words
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| ID: 783295 | 41 Words
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Barathemos : I smell a copy ( not a paste xD ).... Your short story is random like the ones I did... but a lot shorter... It was a bit text heavy and had little interaction except speech so... yeah 1/10  Your short story is random like the ones I did... but a lot shorter... It was a bit text heavy and had little interaction except speech so... yeah 1/10 |
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04-20-13 07:16 PM
thenoobtester is Offline
| ID: 783316 | 53 Words
thenoobtester is Offline
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thenoobtester
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Barathemos : What, I was just telling you what was wrong, and how to fix it. Isn't that what you asked for? I can't just tell you that there was nothing wrong and it was the best story in the world. The only way to do anything better is to have constructive criticism. |
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(edited by thenoobtester on 04-20-13 07:16 PM)
04-28-13 04:11 PM
Black Bot is Offline
| ID: 789654 | 16 Words
Black Bot is Offline
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Black Bot
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I read this and I liked it! Nice short story! I'll read the next one tonight! |
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| hi |
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