So in the time that I've joined the board, left, came back, left, and came back again, I've noticed many new users and will start with this. There are very few of you who know me. Of those who do know me, you know how I am, you know how I can be. And while for many of you, this is a first impression, I ask you not to judge me as I lay out the events of the past week or so. 


A little over a week past, my now-ex-girlfriend, left me. We had been dating for almost 9 months. And we had, or so I thought, a solid relationship. There was; however, a problem that I failed to notice.... until too late. I was abusive... Emotionally... and in 2 cases... when there should have been none, physically.. Thought not to the point of leaving a mark. And while I'm on the subject, I am sincerely sorry for even being like that. I fully regret the action, and wish I could take it back. I hate how I can get angry over the smallest things, and am doing everything I can to fix my problem. 

 Any way... she left me a little over a week ago, and I found out that she had been cheating on me for the majority of the relationship. And she blamed me for her cheating on me, even though she was doing it before I had done anything abusive. The thing is.. I love her with all of my heart. She is a smart, beautiful young woman. She is a talented artist, she played video games with me, she was always supportive of me, and I can't get her out of my head... what I'm trying to ask is... What should I do.. Should I let her go... and move on. Should I come back to her after I've had therapy to change... Should I be her friend and help her out... Should I give up on being with her again? 

As in the description, please.. If you're going to flame me, keep it to my personal messages. I'm severely conflicted, I'm going insane, I'm having trouble sleeping, and my emotions are imbalanced. I need guidance from my friends, and just people who might have been through this same thing.. Or something similar... Thank you for taking your time to read this, and thank you for your aid if you choose to give it.

I don't expect you to take my advice, one reason being I'm not the best person to even be giving it.

But if you really do love her, don't let her go. chase after her, if she feels the same way she'll come back even if you hurt her, just be there for her till you are better and when you feel you can be good enough and not do it again, then you try.

I don't want to sound callous in any way- I don't know what you are going through but dude... c'mon, you are 19 according to your profile- you have your whole life ahead of you. I say you let her go because: one, she cheated on you; and two,  she knows how abusive you can get. Start fresh and be good to the next person you get in a relationship with. 

Personally and honestly, if I went out with a guy who hurt me both physically and mentally --I don't play so I wouldn't even let it get to that point-- I wouldn't want him back. 

Good luck with your anger issues, man- I mean that. 

First of all physical abuser makes you an a**h***.

Her cheating is bad too of course. But that doesn't in any way make me feel sorry for you. Cheating happens all the time. And I'm willing to bet most people end up cheating at some point. I know I have in the past.

What is important is moving on. If you've hurt her, she certainly has every right to move on. You can say all the words you want but it won't change what has happened. Odds are that even if you for get her back, she'll cheat again. She's done it once to you. What's to stop it happening again? You can say you've learned but shes been cheating the majority of the time like you've said.

I honestly think you should both cut you losses and find better matches.

First of all, I want to thank you for making me think about some things. I realize now that I have been harsh in the past with some people, and since we're all human, we all make mistakes and have all done bad things. That doesn't excuse us, but it does strip us of the right to be down on others for their decisions.

Now on to the question at hand: yes, what you did was wrong. However, you have acknowleged that and don't need anyone to remind you. People can change. I will say that you should seek help to learn how to control your anger. If you believe in God, you should turn to Him and ask Him to help you. If you do not, I first recommend giving Him a chance and seeing if you could be persuaded, and secondly that you get anger management counselling. After you complete it, you could (if you so wished) simply try to be friendly toward her. And In time become her friend and be there to support her. I also do not think getting together again would be good if she cheated, unless she herself has drastically changed, as that would only bring more heartache. Also I would like to add that since you had not been abusive before she cheated, her cheating is NOT your fault in any way on any planet. She should have broke up with you if she couldn't be faithful. However, as I said, you were both at fault once you started abusing her. I don't think getting back together wold be a good idea.

I hope you manage to get the anger problem taken care of, and one day find happiness with a woman you treat like a queen, and she returns the love and care.

I have to disagree with catpup and be on the majority side in that you should consider any romantic relationship over. The relationship had no commitment from the start. She cheated on you for most of it, and you could not commit to her by the means of treating her like a person. If she agreed to get back together, it is a fraction of a fraction of a smallest chance that it will turn out okay. You can get therapy, but that doesn't just change who you are. Therapy isn't a magic thing that can really change people. All therapy can do is give you tools to use to combat that dark part of your personality. But that trait will always be a part of you and you will have to fight it to control it. Just the fact that she has cheated before will always be there. You will wonder if she is cheating again. That usually leads to jealousy and resentment. Those are bad things to have when you are already fighting that darker side of your personality. In all honesty, you might not be able to keep it at bay when you have things like jealousy and resentment around you. 

So if you really want to keep yourself from submitting to your abusive part, the last thing you want to do is dive into the environment where it emerged or began to thrive. That is just asking for failure. Find someone else if you want to have a chance at keeping that part of you dormant.

aeonarial :

rcarter2 has nailed a big part of this. Without going into too much of what I do, all I'll say is in my training, you would be re-emerging yourself in the same environment that was unhealthy in the past. All this does is exponentially increase the odds of relapsing toward prior behaviors. Honestly, the best thing you can do for yourself is to continue talking about it, especially with a third party. And this is something you should definitely be bringing up in therapy. Somebody without an interest in either side often helps identify things you wouldn't have noticed yourself otherwise, and we have great results with this. That said, you have to be committed and willing to discuss and divulge everything. Stuff of this nature never is repaired after an hour of two of talking, but will possibly takes weeks/months, but will ONLY be successful if you want it to be.

When I was in high school, I used to think similarly and felt like things couldn't get better. Now I'm almost 10 years older than you at this time, and even though I feel more "mature" I realize there are plenty of things I still need to learn and experience, and even more that I'll probably never will. You'll never know what great things lie ahead until you finally stop looking behind.

aeonarial : First please know that I won’t judge you. We all make mistakes and errors in judgment and I’m not going to sit here and claim to be perfect because fact is I’m not. I think it’s good that you realized you made mistakes and need to address those mistakes. I would recommend talking to someone who can help you with your anger.

In regard to your girlfriend well, I have been in a similar situation when I was younger where I was head over heals for someone and did everything I could to maintain the relationship despite cheating, lying and just plain nonsense. I was never abusive or anything but I ignored all the signs telling me to spare myself the grief and stress of trying to keep the relationship. As a result I was put through more grief than I wanted. Looking back on everything years later I know that it was a mistake on my part to enter into a relationship with this woman to begin with and would probably not have made some of the mistakes that I did if I avoided her. To be honest I regret the whole experience.

My advice is to work on you and don’t worry about her. It took me a long time to get over everything but after a while I realized that I needed to work on me and gradually I realized I was better off. It’s been many years and although I wouldn’t say I’m content with my life I am happy that, that period of my life is over with. I have seen my ex maybe a handful of times over the years and there isn’t any bitterness on my end but I think of it as a lesson learned and I’m wiser now because of it.

It may not be easy but it will get easier in time.

Best of luck to you.

I gotta go with bvd1022, and not just because he's a veteran lol.

Everyone makes mistakes. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you've done something wrong. I wasn't there so I don't know all the details so it's not fair for any of us to pass judgment. However, the relationship consists of two people. Both of you could have been much better to each other, but that's usually the case when you're young.

I think that in time, you could apologize to her when it's all settled down. Just to be on good terms again. Other than that, I think you should treat this as a learning experience and make yourself a better you. I had a similar epiphany back in the day when I looked at myself and realized that I didn't like what I had become.

Good luck. Even if you mess up, just get back up.

I agree quite a bit with Eirinn.  In fact, I couldn't imagine stating my own opinion any better.

I do want to say that I've been on the other side of that fence.  More than once.  And thus, I probably understand where you are coming from a bit better than the other people post here.  As Eirinn said though, the key is that you recognize the problem with yourself, and from what I hear, you are doing your best to makes amends to it.  It seems as though you truly repent of your actions and wish to be better.

I believe it's possible, as is forgiveness.  I can say from my own experiences that it will simply take time, diligence, and determination.  One of the times I was in the situation, things did not change.  During the second time, they did.  It took me a long, LONG time to get over what I had gone through though, as I was not all that eager to open myself up to that kind of emotional pain again.

Let me say this:  You WILL struggle to change, but it's possible. Not everyone will believe you or trust you, so you must be on your BEST guard to do the right thing in front of your peers at ALL times.  You must understand that it will take them awhile to see that your change is genuine.  And then they will only cautiously and slowly open back up to the idea of being your friend.  I am saying 'they' as opposed to speaking of your ex simply because I don't know who all your actions have affected.  I'm sure it's been more than just her however, but she is included in the group that will take time to trust your actions.

Not all people will trust those actions, either.  It's an unfortunate consequence and one you can't really deny would be completely understandable.  Don't let that fact discourage you however, and suck it up as one of the results of previous mistakes.  It's unavoidable.

The people who did not treat me right and caused me to suffer?  Well I'm best of friends with one of them.  This person made such a change that it amazed me.  I did not want to believe it at first, but over the course of several months, I realized the honesty in his changes.  He sincerely cared enough about my well - being that he dropped the bad habits and adopted completely new ones.   This is why I realize that you can change, because you care.  I've been witness to it, and the trauma was resolved in the manner of a strengthened relationship. With luck and prayer, if your change is obvious enough, your friends and family and loved ones will see it.

Just have patience.
God Bless, and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me.  I will not judge.

That is a very sad story. I don't expect you to take this as important advice. I barely know you. But my psychology major (I'm not 13, I don't know what happened when I entered my birthdate) has taught me quite a bit. My solution has always been to let go. Though I'm not personally good at that I have found it helps other people. I'm afraid although you do love this woman, that this was a (please don't yell at me) relationship that couldn't work. She cheated on you. And when you confronted her about it she blamed you. Which, although you have done some tings that you have said you regret. It is never the other partners fault when the other cheats, adultery is an awful thing to do, and if you keep putting this woman on a pedestal, than you will never get over it. I faced a lot of problems with love going through my life and that was one of my problems. And you might say, "well hey Ender, I did some bad stuff too, so maybe that was it". But, did she say she regretted her actions, no, she blamed you. (again. Please don't yell at me) You seem like an honest person who has repented his past actions has trouble leaving behind the past. And hey, you two might come around. You might get married,  but I believe that you two cant continue like this and it might be the best to let go

I'm not saying that you have to follow my advice, I'm not  even saying that this is good advice. From another person who has been love struck before to you. Please try to let go.

Ender44

ender44 :  
Singelli :  
NotJon :  
bvd1022 :  
mikez913 :  
Oldschool41 :
rcarter2 :
Eirinn :
legacyme3 :
unknown0s :
warmaker :  

I first off, want to thank you all for taking the time to read my problem, and think about rational answers, and being considerate of the whole situation. I know I made the right choice when I decided to come to vizzed for help. I've always been able to count on my friends and the people here to help me. I take each and every one of your's advice to heart. I've been thinking about all of it and it has helped me make a great many decisions. I've slowly started to eat more. I've been able to relax more, my sleeping is getting better. Overall my life is slowly improving. My anger issues... they are still there.. but I'm researching ways to over come them.. and to change myself. I know some of you think that I can't change, that it it physically impossible to change one person's base nature.. but I'm aiming to prove you wrong. I know some of you think I'm an a**h*** for what I did. and I agree. I'm a vicious monster... but that's not all that I am... I'm a smart and intelligent teenager who has the power to make my life the way I want it to be. And your words have empowered me to want to overcome this.. but I can't do this alone, and I only ask that... you are willing to help me. I have friends in real life.. but... they only care more about their own interests and staying safely out of my business instead of helping me... But again thank you all for taking the time... to aid me in my battle against my inner demons.

I say people can most certainly change and I wish you the best of luck in your efforts to do that. Changing is mostly a matter of personal desire and will. You can't change other people, but you can definitely change yourself. That is... if you want to badly enough. If you TRULY desire it, you can make it happen.

Yes, you can't really change your core self because then that wouldn't make you yourself anymore... but I don't believe that "anger" or "violence" is a core component of any person. These are usually things that are caused by unresolved issues. If you can get to the root of the problem and fix that, then you can maybe solve the anger that results from whatever that issue is.

Just because someone has been violent and abusive doesn't mean they are a violent or abusive person by nature. That's not really human nature at all. Don't ever think that you HAVE to be that way and don't let anyone tell you that you have to be that way. You can be who you want to be and you can overcome your flaws and grow as a person.

Go for it!

Crazy Li :  

Thank you so much for your vote of confidence, it means a lot to me and I truly take your words to heart.

I'm glad to hear you're beginning to feel somewhat better. And yes, people can difinitely change, no doubt about it. I believe you can, and will overcome these anger issues if you simply stay with it. And remember you have your friends support. You saw what you did, acknowledged fault, and decided you wanted to change. What's more, you admitted it openly and are seeking help. These are all signs of a genuine desire to change. They are good signs, and the first necessary steps. It isn't you CAN do it, it is you WILL do it. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep up the good work, and keep on believing in you. We do.

I agree with the Crazy Li and Eirinn.  I do believe you can change.  I've been witness to it, I've done it, and I know the Lord can do anything at all.  Inner demons was the perfect phrase to use, though you may not realize it.  If you can find whatever demonic influence is affecting your life and you are a Christian, then you should ask God to help you battle that demonic influence.  There's nothing He can't do.

Keep on trucking. IT sounds like you have the right idea and you're on the right truck.  Good luck, and God bless!

Aeonarial : I wish you the best of luck and speaking for myself personally I don’t judge. I’ve made my share of mistakes in my life and still have my share of regrets many years later. I’ve never done something like what you have but I am a believer in redemption and the important thing like I said before is that you realized you made mistakes and needed to address them. It’s good that you realized it. I’m sure you have other qualities, we all make mistakes at one time or another. The important thing is what one does after realizing their mistakes. That is what you have to focus on.

Best of luck to you.

I'm a bit late to this, but I've been in an abusive relationship like this before so I figure I could give my two cents.

First off, the fact that you acknowledge that you did wrong is a very good thing. It means that, contrary to what you say, you are not that big of a monster. I have every confidence that you can change yourself for the better.

Second, if she was cheating on you before you think you did anything emotionally or physically abusive that means one of two things. Either you started the emotional stuff sooner than you realize (which is possible) or she just used it as an excuse to assuage her own guilt so she could look like the innocent victim. I advise taking a good look at your actions to evaluate which of the two it is, but if she was doing it from the start, I would personally say the latter.

Should you try to get back together with her? No. The baggage might cause problems, and also (and I speak from personal experience here), women generally do not want to go back to a person that abused them after they have broken free. If you want to stay friends, mention it to her after you get your anger under control and then back off and let her make the decision. The abuser I left wanted to remain friends when I was not ready for it and ended up stalking me for a few years... it was not a good time, I can tell you that for sure. What ever her choice is, respect it.

Also... I know you say you "love her"... but I will be completely frank with you, it's probably just puppy love. You dated for nine months, you barely knew her, especially if she was cheating on you. I was "in love" a lot when I was a teenager as well, but looking back on it now, most of those times I really was not. It is a harsh thing to say, but it is something to think about.

The key thing for you to do now is find the reason for your anger. What is it that set you off? Why did it bother you? Once you have that, try to find a way to deal with it. If needed, seek therapy. Most likely, a lot of it is teenage angst and hormones that you will eventually grow out of, but until that happens you at least need to find more positive outlets for your frustrations.

I wish you luck on your journey.