Totts : I think it is part of human nature that we get irritated when we see what may be similar traits in our relatives or friends and it may very well be true that when one attacks someone that there may be an underlying issue that, that person may not want to admit. I know that I have been in those shoes before and I know that for instance when I have seen my nephews slack off in regard to their schooling, it really aggravated me because among other things I am a high school dropout and I so badly don’t want them or my nieces to repeat the same mistakes I made. Although my reasons for leaving school had very little in essence to do with academics it does irritate me. I do think that a difference is I have admitted my mistakes to them and have told them that if circumstances were different that I would have finished school when I was still in school.
I didn’t want to tell them the real reasons I left school but I was honest with them about it at the same time. Hopefully they won’t let me down. It has not been an easy go of it for me for almost 14 yrs and I am trying again to finish school somehow. I hope that they will see that even many years later I still wanted to finish somehow, if nothing else for the satisfaction of knowing I did it. It’s hard because their young and their at that stage where they think they know everything. I was once at that stage where I was cocky, unauthentic and thought that I knew it all. The world has a way of humbling you really fast sometimes and I don’t really remember much about a time when I wasn’t getting my butt kicked by life. I just want things to be easier for them because I know how hard it has been for me and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I will also admit that there have been times when I have been unsure of myself to such a degree that I have trouble functioning at times. Although I have accomplished a lot as a writer in the years since I left school I admit whole heartedly that I am not happy with where I am professionally and am not real content with my life overall. It isn’t necessarily fun when you know you have a gift to write and despite a solid body of work there are times when you do doubt whether or not you are on the level of someone who is more established in your field and or, on a higher level. Even after being a writer for most of my life I do have doubts sometimes and will admit that, the self-doubt probably has prevented me from reaching where I want to be in some ways.
I have always looked at my struggles as a writer, specifically the struggle just to be paid for my work as simply paying dues and working my way up. I hope that at the minimum when all’s said and done that I will have redeemed myself in many ways from what I once was, a screwed up teenager in large part due to my work. I have said many times that I credit my writing with helping me straighten myself out. I thank God every day for that.