One day, a man met a pirate at the port who had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. Without thinking, he blurted out "How did that happen?" to the pirate. Much to his surprise the pirate responded with the following: "Argh... well, a 'gator got meh leg, an' a shark got me arm, an' a stupid seagull pooped in me eye." The man who asked the question, baffled by the answer, asked "Um, Oookay, but how did a bird pooping in your eye make you lose it?" To which the pirate responded, "Argh... well... twas me first day with me hook hand..."

The local funny-man in my college dorm said this one last year. I thought it was hilarious.

The winner of the koke conest is WarpStarFerret.To him 500 Viz.Tomorrow is the beggining of the next contest.

TRUE STORY!
In High School I had a teacher who always answered calls from the front office in a weird way. She had three phrases, but I only remember two of them. They were "City morgue, you stab 'em we slab 'em," and "Burger King, what's your beef?" What made it funnier was that we all new that the phone used only got calls from the front office, and that she would say these things out load mid-class.
If I remember the third phrase, I'll edit it in.

ronaldo7 :
Q:Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
A:Nobody, because of BP

This is a joke called "The Talking Dog"



A man notices a sign in a pet shop window
"Talking Dog for Sale........"
Intrigued he enters and asks the shopkeeper if he can see the dog.
"I believe you can talk" says the man.
"Yep" replies the dog.
"So tell me about yourself" the man continues.
"Well," says the dog, "I discovered I had this gift pretty young and approached the government. In no time at all I was being flown from place to place to eavesdrop on world leaders. Later I became tired of the travelling and took a job as an undercover security guard at an airport, where I thwarted a hijacking. I was given a huge reward and was able to retire" Amazed by what he's heard the man asks the shopkeeper
"How much for the dog?"
"Ten quid" comes the reply.
"But this dog is amazing" says the man "Why so cheap?"
"He's a liar" says the pet shop owner, "He hasn't done any of those things."

A cougar sees a dog at the park. It wants to eat it, the dog is frightened by this, he goes to a pile of bones and says, man that was a good cougar I just ate. The cougar gets scared and runs away. An Owl watches all this and tells the cougar what happened. A few minutes later the owl and the cougar come back to the dog. The dog says stupid owl I told you to get me THAT cougar HOURS ago!!!And the dog is protected again.

YourMajestyKen : Haha that's funny dude.I have to say that that is one of the most original jokes I have heard in a long time.Kudos to you man and if you have any more jokes like that,please do not doubt in posting them.

Here a few more that I liked...


A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, – “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”
The librarian looks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”



Next Joke

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

"Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions." The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back & said the parrot had yet to say a word.

"That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned & said there still had been no talking.

"I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell. The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened.

"Still no luck?" asked the store owner.

"No. Nothing said yet," answere the bird's owner.

"Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop."

"What?!? You want me to buy another bird!?!" yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

"No, no, calm down," reassured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion." At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned...this time with the parrot, only it was dead!

"What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?"

"Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?"

Yo mama joke.

Yo Mama so fat that when she passed by my window, I couldn't see daylight for a day.

YourMajestyKen : Your jokes have all been really hilarious,but the two I enjoyed the most are about the talking dog and about the blonde.

CN jokes:

Chuck Norris doesn't cry over spilled milk. he just takes it out on the cow.

Chuck Norris is so gangster, his gun goes sideways for him.

You don't find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you.

Chuck Norris can juggle live grenades, riding a unicycle, on a tightrope over a large pool of lava. Or he could just walk through the lava.

Jesus turned water into wine, then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Knok Knok. Who's there. Nacho. Nacho who? Nacho Cheese Hahaha Very funny JKJKJK

Two burnets and a blonde are about to be shot down by the military. They each want to escape. One burnet yells hurricane hurricane and runs away as the military looks around. The next burnet yells tornado tornado and runs away as the military looks around.The blonde yells fire fire and as she prepares to run away the military "fires" at her.

the only reason i came was to see some of the jokes

This joke is called "The Blue House". It is a story joke, so fix yourself some popcorn while you read it.

There once was a small boy named Timmy living in a little town. Every morning, he would pack his lunch and his bookbag and head off to school. Since the town was somewhat small, his parents didn't drive him. They told him to walk to school, instead. Little Timmy was in the 1st grade, and when he walked to school, he loved looking at all the houses on the streets. He liked the big ones, tall ones, and for some strange reason, one's with an outdoor garage. But there was one house that stood out from all the others. It was a blue house. It was an average looking house, except the fact that it was blue. Now it wasn't just blue, it was REALLY blue. The bricks were blue. The windows were blue. The driveway was blue. The grass was blue. Even the people who walked into it turned blue. So one day, while little Timmy was in class, he raised his hand and said to his teacher, "Mrs. Smith?". She replied, "Yes, what is it Timmy?". He said "Well there's this blue house I pass by everyday when I walk to school and I was just wondering...well, why is it so blue?" At the point the teacher snapped at him and said, "TIMMY! I don't ever want to hear you say that ever again!" So Timmy, out of confusion, says, "I was just wondering why it was blue." So the teacher yells at him saying, "That's it Timmy, you go to the principal's office, right now!!" So little Timmy left the classroom, and thought to himself, "What was it that I said that made her so angry?" Well when Timmy got to the principal's office, the principal was very nice and said, "Well hello, there little Timmy. What are you doing HERE? Is everything okay?" Well Timmy replied, "Well Mister Principal Sir, my teacher Mrs. Smith sent me to the office because I got in trouble." The principal was shocked. He knew little Timmy was a very good boy. He asked "What could you possibly have done to make her send you here?" So Timmy said "Well all I did was ask her a question" "What kind of question?", the principal asked. He said "Well I asked her why this house on my street was so blue and she-" Immediately, the principal interrupted and said. "Little Timmy, get out of here you are expelled!". Little Timmy was baffled. He was walking home from school and he saw a policeman driving around. The policeman noticed him and drove up to him. He asked, "Hello there small child. What are you doing out here? Why aren't you in school?" Timmy responded, "I got expelled." Knowing that the small child couldn't have possibly done anything true wrong, he asked him, "Now what could you have done to get expelled?" Timmy pointed toward the blue house and said, "You see that blue house over there? All I did was ask my teacher why it was so blue." So the policeman paused and said "Hmm...get in the car." A week later, little Timmy was put on trial. The judge said, noticing the defendant was a small child, "Why are we having court for an innocent little first grader?" So Timmy told him the whole story. Everything from the teacher to the principal to the policeman. So the judge said "With a story like this, I don't even need a jury to decide what to do with you." Little Timmy finally thought this fiasco was over. The judge said, "...he is sentenced to 20 years in prison". So twenty years went by, all the while Timmy thought about that blue house. When he got out, he was 26 years old, and he started to walk home. On the way, he saw the house, across the street, blue as ever. He said to himself, "Okay that is it! This house has ruined my life. I missed my childhood, my education, I'll never be able to get a job now...life stinks! I'm gonna find out right now why that his is blue!!" So he ran across the street to the blue house, and when he was in the street, BAM! He got hit by a semi-truck and died. THE END

Isn't that the funniest joke ever? I totally deserve 500 Viz.

Simple joke:

Knock Knock
Who's there?
I eat map
(say this one out loud, and laugh)

this is one of the most simplest and funniest knock knock joke i have heard by far!

ronaldo7 : Yo mama so cheap you spent your birthday at the dollar store

Yo momma's so stupid it takes her 2 hours to watch "60 Minutes"!

Okay, this may seem a bit racist but it really isn't, it's also kind of long, so I apologize for that... but its the most hilarious one I've heard in a while.

So there’s some Indian guy driving down the road, like Afghanistan-Indian, not Native American-Indian. Anyway this Indian guy’s driving like a hundred miles an hour and he gets pulled over by a cop.
Cop goes up to the guy and says “Sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
The Indian guy’s eyes light up and he says with a very thick accent, “Oh, very fast Mr. American man”.
The cop rolls his eyes at the Indian man, “Sir, I’m going to need to see your license.”
“Oh no, Mr. American man, I do not have a license.”
“Well then I’m going to have to see the papers for this car.”
“No, no, this car is stolen. I already threw out the papers.”
“Sir, step out of the vehicle.”
“Oh, you wouldn’t want me to do that. This car is rigged to explode as soon as I open the driver’s door.”
By now the cop is totally freaking out. “Okay there buddy,” he says to the Indian guy, “I’m going to call for backup you better not move out of this spot.
So the cop calls for back up, and about twenty minutes later a bunch more police officers arrive. They go up to the Indian man’s car to find that the Indian man is standing outside the door to his car, and he’s in one piece.
One of the guys from backup walks up to the Indian man, “Um, sir can we see your license?”
“Oh, sure,” the Indian man replies back, accent completely gone, “here it is.”
The cop sees that the license is completely legitimate, “Sir, did you exit your car through the driver’s door?”
“How else would I have got out?” and as he says this he opens and closes the car door, scaring the crap out of the cops.
The cop shakes his head, “We’re sorry sir. The man who pulled you over said that you were an illegal citizen, that you stole a car, and that you rigged it to explode.”
“Hmph,” the Indian man says back, clearly perturbed, “I bet you that racist jerk said I was speeding too.”

I'm pretty sure I should get 500 Viz for the longest joke ever. It's only 745 words.

I found this on a crazy website

Guy goes into a bar, there’s a robot bartender.



The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini."

The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" The guy says,” 168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.



The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini."

Again, the robot makes a great martini gives it to the man and says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors. The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.



He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini," and the robot brings him another great martini.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" The guy says, "Uh, about 50." The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"






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