Originally posted by Stoney

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Sure Magus5311, I'll fill you in.

See, one day Apocalypse discovered the Magical Wand of Summoning that allowed him to conjure up a portal to the Fairy World. He went through this portal, found some nifty tropical fruit, and headed back to the real world. He then ate this fruit, which caused him to grow to 15 meters tall. I happened to be walking by at the time and I screamed, "HOLY SPAM, WHAT THE HELL?!" To which Apocalypse laughed in his new deep voice and spoke, "PUNY HUMAN!" At that point, the rest of the fruit's magical properties kicked in, making Apoc's skin turn green as he began smashing stuff and roaring like Godzilla. I fled for my life and hid in Jake-A-Roonie's house, which is patrolled by killer assassin robots and is shielded by a forcefield made out of bubble gum. Jake wasn't home at the time, so I decided to fool around with some of the wacky inventions he has lying around (did I mention that Jake is a mad scientist bent on world domination? No? Well, he is). One of these inventions was the amazing "HOOBA-JOOBA RAY" which turned everyone shot with it into copies of Knives101. Needless to say, I realized the near-infinite military applications of such an amazing weapon, so I signed up with the U.S. Marines. It was easy to rise to the top rank, because K101 is a friend of mine, and all I had to do was turn everyone into copies of him so they'd all suddenly offer me promotions. Thus, I became Secretary of Defense in about a day, and using my newfound power of authority I managed to turn Congress into just another batch of K101-clones. Since K101 is absolutely insane, his clones always did weird and stupid stuff, so the K101 congress immediately began passing moronic laws. But since this wasn't much different than usual, nobody noticed anything was wrong. Then George Bush decided to sic his dog on me and I had to flee in terror since the HOOBA-JOOBA RAY doesn't work on animals. I dropped the ray while I ran, and Bush's dog used it for his new chew-toy, but that's another story. So anyway, I wound up hitchhiking to Canada, where I met a wise old prophet who spoke in words of wisdom and used strong deodorant. He told me that in order to achieve Total Enlightenment I must first seek out the advice of his bretheren, the Holy Order of Viz. He directed me to the South Pole, where I met the sword-master John. John told me that the secret to weapon mastery is to hit what you aim at. He then directed me to Mt. Fuji of Japan, where I located the sex-master Mike. Mike told me that what matters is not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean. He then directed me to Europe, where I found the woman-master Elara. She told me that the female of the species is deadlier than the male. She then directed me to the Amazon rainforest, where I discovered the food-master IceWave and the alcoholic-beverage-master Boddah. They both told me in unison that Kirby has had the right idea all along. They then directed me to South Africa, where I found the Nintendo-master MichaelVash. He spoke several profound slogans to me that I didn't understand in the slightest, but nonetheless moved me very deeply. He then directed me to Australia, where I unearthed the Jedi-master neojazex. He informed me that the Force isn't as powerful as the Schwartz, and I should always wear a Schwartz ring at all times. He then directed me to Central America, where I encountered the answer-master geeogree. He told me that the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything is 42. He then directed me back to Canada, where I once again located the wise old prophet, whose name was Davideo7. He told me, "You have done well, young grasshopper, and you have achieved True Enlightenment. Now you must embark on a divine quest for me." He gave me eight Holy Petitions of Light and bade that I release them onto the Internet, where squillions of others might see them and be pleased. I have done so, and thus ends my tale.

So as you can see, Magus5311, everything makes perfect sense, and you should definitely go here to fully grasp the majesty of this divine quest. I hope that you, like the many before you, shall join me in helping us fulfill this, the most worthy of tasks. (Whatever it is.)

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