The title of this thread may be confusing, but I wasn't exactly sure how to word it in a short enough way to put it as the title. Basically, I'm interested in everyone's thoughts on starting a relationship with someone when you know the relationship will have to end at a certain time, for whatever reason.

For example, at the end of our senior year of high school, my friend starting dating this girl. However, since that friend was going in to the Coast Guard and was headed to boot camp in November (a few months later), they both knew at the start that it would be impossible for their relationship to last. They started dating anyway, and it ended in a pretty messy way a month or so before he went to boot camp.

Now I'm in a similar situation. I'm not at the point where I'm dating her or anything yet, but there's a girl in my French class that I know for sure is in to me, and I'm considering making a move. However, she lives in Minnesota, and I live in New York. She's also planning on going to grad school in the mid west after she graduates at the end of next year, while I have an additional year at Binghamton after that, and then I'm planing on going to either grad school or law school somewhere on the east coast. There's no way our relationship will be able to last, simply because of the distance and the desires to live in different areas. Is it wise to start a relationship when you know going it that it will have to end? Of course there are other options, friends with benefits or whatever, but I don't see myself being able to do that without catching feelings.

What do you guys think? Is there any good way to go about this, or is it just a lose lose situation all around? Anyone have any similar experiences?

Sounds like a good way to get emotionally invested with someone just to have to let them go. I mean. . . you said there's no other way this could end, right?

Wanna experience emotional loss after you try to fight your instincts and biology? Go ahead. My girl dumped me on New Years, and even though I expected it, it still sucked. Just cause you know how things are likely to go doesn't mean your instinctive brain will know. People have been walking around the fact that we are designed to have relationships in rather specific ways for years. I'd say to be more mature about this, and keep from doing it. You'll thank me later.

Sword Legion : Sorry to hear about that man.

Yeah, I understand exactly what you're saying and that's kind of my thought process as well, but it's still tough. This is a 13+ forum and most of the people on Vizzed are adults now so I'm just going to be blunt instead of dancing around it. My sex life is not existent right now, and I kind of want to change that. I'm terrible at the usual college way (get drunk, go to bar, take girl home, never see her again) because I'm really bad at talking to people I don't know, and I don't have the confidence or attractiveness to just pick up girls like that. The only way for me is to go the route of getting to know a girl and having things progress (the healthier route too, in my opinion). Additionally, I only have 1 real friend up here at school. I could use someone that I can actually talk to and spend time with. So, in the short term, I think it would be really good for me. The only problem, as you said, is how to deal with it when the short term comes to an end. I'm the type to catch feelings really easily, so even if we both agree that is isn't going to be that serious, it will probably be hard for me to let go in the end.

I definitely appreciate your advice, and I will keep it in mind for sure.

tgags123 : Thanks, I appreciate it.

Sex is but a fleeting moment. Once you have sex with someone though, you'll think about them a lot. You'll hate it even more when they are gone, especially if it's the first person you've ever haven sex with. The more you have sex with someone, the more your brain adjusts to having sex with her and preferring her. Her body will also absorb your DNA and her immune system will get used to your sperm and be less "offended" by it. It's just how we're built.

I haven't had sex either, but that's by deliberate choice. To put it bluntly (since this is an adult forum. lol) I don't even look up lewd images of women or anything like that. I take no shortcuts. Sad thing is. . . even in my three month long courtship, I did start to have consistent wet dreams about her. (Always had wet dreams, will probably never change.) So when she did leave--even when I expected it and saw how uncommitted she was. . . it still sucked. Take a lesson from that if you will. I hadn't even so much as shook her hand either.

Now, the part where I laugh is where I look back on the details and realize she was reading reader insert romance stories--stories where you are the main character and have sex with a skeleton. Yes, this is actually the kind of girl I got. LOL, but it was Sans from Undertale. Also, she only weighed nintey pounds though. . . so having sex with a skeleton wouldn't even be an inter species romance for her. : P

Laughing at how ridiculous things helps get over it. You probably shouldn't get a GF from Deviantart. She was extremely Christian on the outside too--but it didn't mean much in her private life I guess. LOL.

We guys go into this game of finding women thinking we are so smart. I'll tell you right now that most girls aren't seriously interested or committed to a relationship till they are almost thirty. That's when they start settling and don't have high demands. It's also when the best girls are gone, but that's competition for you. I could go on and on about the things I've noticed, but it really does seem this way. I love the thought of getting married before I'm thirty, and it's still something I'm going to try and do. However, most girls aren't ready before then. Even if you find a young girl who understand the commitment it takes to make a relationship work all the way to marriage. . . you may have to compete with a guy who's five years older and has a much better financial standing than you in life. It's just unfortunate, but in this messed up economy, you know how it is. (Yes, I actually do blame the economy for relationship problems. If twenty year olds could actually buy their own house and have a family they would, but instead they have to save up and wait ten years longer usually.)

I take it you haven't had a real breakup before? It's not a great first experience. Save yourself the trouble. Love will mean much more if you can actually commit to it as well.

Sword Legion : I mean I'm a Christian too, but I don't want to wait until marriage or anything like that. I believe in God and Jesus Christ, and I believe in the way the Bible says to treat others, and I think that Christianity is good at instilling strong moral values in people. I don't really understand why God would be upset if we look at porn or engage in consensual sex though. That's an entirely different discussion though, I don't want to get into that too much. It's great that you've made that choice, I commend you for it, but it's not for me.

I also don't agree with your generalization that "most girls aren't seriously interested or committed to a relationship till they are almost thirty." I think that applies to the majority of the human race, both male and female. I do know some people my age that are in serious relationships. My roommate from last year, for example, bought his girlfriend a promise ring. He's 19 years old, but he told me he already knows that she's the girl he's going to marry. I also know some that are interested in a real relationship, but are unable to find someone they work well with. Most people I know though, both male and female, seem to prefer to sleep around than to stay with one person. Me personally, I'm down for either. I'm not opposed to one night stands or just hooking up with a girl a few times, but if I find a girl I really like I would definitely prefer to date her properly. The primary issue I would have with hookups is that I feel like there is no way I can do it without developing feelings. Which I guess is the reason I made this thread in the first place lol.

I have had a breakup before. The story about me and this girl is really long, but I'll give you the gist of it. I had a big time crush on this girl I went to summer camp with. I knew he for years, but I only started to develop feelings when we were counselors-in-training together (when we were like 14). We were really close friends, and also in our camp friend group was a kid named Andrew (not his real name), who was my best friend at the time. So eventually I ended up telling her how I felt, and it turns out she liked Andrew instead. So whatever, nothing happened, I continued to be one of her best friends for a few years. Junior year of high school comes around, I ask her to go to junior prom with me, she says yes, and emphasizes that we'd just be going as friends. (We went to different high schools by the way). THE VERY NEXT DAY she asked Andrew to go to her junior prom with her. He said no, and told her she's terrible for asking him after I asked her to mine. She ended up asking me after and I said yes. My junior prom was first, it was fun, nothing much happened. At her junior prom a bunch of stuff happened, but she ended up kissing me and asking me to be her boyfriend. I was ecstatic and obviously said yes, because I had had a crush on her for almost 4 years. A few months into us dating I get a call from her crying, talking about some guy she was talking to on Instagram, making it seem like the guy was flirting with her and wouldn't leave her along. She was 16 at the time, and the guy was 19. I immediately DM the guy acting all tough or whatever, and then he told me the real story, with screenshots. (Some background info first, she was a total prude, which I was ok with, because I loved her for who she was. But she would never even talk about anything sexual with me, and she even told me once she was concerned about me going to her dance recital because one of her costumes was too revealing.) So this guy sends me screenshots of my girlfriend flirting with him and stuff, and saying that she'll send him nudes later. One of the messages waas a picture of her in her dance costume (that she didn't want me to see her in ) and the caption said "this is my s***tiest costume, you can see it before my boyfriend does." That one stung a lot. He then said "your girl won't give you her virginity, but she was willing to lose it to me on the first night." And that kind of resonated with me. She begged me to forgive her, and being the idiot that I am, I did. She broke up with me a few weeks later, and proceeded to post pictures with guys all over her social media to try to make me jealous. Then, as if she wasn't already enough of a c-word, she went to senior prom with Andrew. She deleted our prom pictures. Her and Andrew's are still up. I suspected the whole time that we dated that Andrew was really the one she wanted, and I guess I was right.

Sorry that was so long, probably more than you wanted lol. I could easily have written another 2000 words on it because there's so much more context and so many more details that make the whole situation so much worse. So yeah, I have experienced a breakup. It was awful. But I think part of the reason it was so awful was because of the way she treated me. I feel like if we know it's going to happen, and we remain on good terms, it might not be as bad.

tgags123 : No problem. I'm an author, I love talking about my life and hearing about others. It gets the creative juices flowing in the very least. Sounds like you had a pretty bad experience though--far worse than mine.

One thing that helps me move on from women is looking back on how lucky I am that I didn't marry them. I have had one crutch in that department though. . . my dad did not marry the most amazing woman, but she changed for him and continued to change. Now I have this almost fairy tale like story hanging over my head, only it happened in real life. I seem to keep thinking that I can do what my dad did. If we're honest, that kind of situation is rare. Besides. . . a bad partner needs to realize they are bad and show a desire to change in the first place. Otherwise you're going after a leech.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said "most girls" You and I are both guys, so I said girls because it's more relatable from our perspective. You are absolutely right though. Guys are totally doing the same thing.

I'll leave your personal religious convictions to yourself, especially since it doesn't really fit the thread, but I do feel like I should say--as a fellow believer and brother--that scripture seems to say that sex should be saved for marriage. I'd say this humbly even, if I may.

Sometimes I wonder if I should friend you on Discord. I mean, we can go on a lot on certain topics, and I'd kindof like to keep you around to be honest.

Sword Legion : Yeah, looking back I'm definitely glad I'm not stuck with her long term. I loved her, but she didn't care for me at all, and it showed through her actions. That being said, I often wonder what I would do if she were to hit me up tomorrow begging me to take her back. My brain obviously says that I would laugh in her face, but I'm not convinced I wouldn't at least think about it. I'm just hoping that situation never presents itself lol.

Yeah, I know what scripture says, I just don't understand why. I've always been the type of person where if a rule doesn't make sense to me I'm not going to follow it (such as not being able to wear hats in school, or not being able to cross the road when the sign has the red hand even if no cars are coming), so I guess I kind of just apply the same logic to religion as well. I know that it's not really a good thought process to have, but as long as I am not harming anyone else, I personally don't feel too guilty about it.

You can add me on Discord if you want. tgags123#0482. I don't use it a ton, but I have the app, so I'll get a notification on my phone if you send me a message.

As Sword Legion said, this is likely just going to result in a messy ending.

I don't think there is a "win" in this situation besides just remaining good friends, and maybe seeing where that carries you. I realize that there are romantic and/or sexual sparks between you two, but it's best that you ignore them. However, there's no reason you two can't just get along normally which would solve you not having many friends around campus. It's also a good idea to keep in the back of your head that plans for the future can change - there's a million opportunities for anything to happen. Maybe you two will grow closer and will find a way to work it out in the long term. Or maybe you'll realize that she isn't exactly your type, which would be better to figure out as friends than to date her and figure it out and then have to deal with having to break it to her, etc.

On one hand I do support enjoying your life at the current moment. If you think you can manage friends with benefits without becoming emotionally attached later on, then go for it if that's what you desire. You just shouldn't do something that you know will mess you up later.

If you don't mind I drop my 2 cents in too:

First of all, I highly disagree with Sword Legion. He just experienced a painful breakup recently... he is obviously still very much hurt, and I think it's mostly the pain and the bitterness that speaks out of him. And those two aren't necessarily the best advisers.

So before you decide to follow his advice, at lest hear out an opinion from a different perspective:

I get it that having a messy a relationship and breakup, like you have with that other girl before, is quite discouraging... But to be honest, in that case the writing was on the wall, I mean you should have known that it would be better not to go to her junior prom with her AFTER she asked out Andrew. It should have been clear to you that she had no real interest in you. When she asked you she was like "half a loaf is better than no bread". Yet you expected her to see you as "full bread".

But this current situation is different. From what you have said, I think it's fair to assume that this girl from the French class is genuinely interested in YOU, and you have a genuine interest in her too. So this is a big opportunity for the two of you to make something great out of it. You fear what will happen when it comes to an end. And rightfully. When it will come to an end it will be surely painful as hell, but as time progresses, the pain will go away eventually. You shouldn't let fear control your decision.  This period of your life (even if it's short and temporary) could end up as - when you look back at it many years later - a lovely memory which has a special place in your heart, an experience that you would be glad for.
On the other hand, if you let this thing fade away without giving it a chance, the only thing that will remain is a big "what if?" ... a question that will be linger in the back of your mind maybe even for the rest of your life.
I'm not saying that you should jump straight into dating with her. Like Minuano said, deepening your friendship could be a good start, then let things flow on their own. Maybe the two of you will reach a point when you can discuss this whole matter openly, learn about each other's feelings ... what she wants, what you want ... and (assuming you both want the same) if it's worth a shot or not.
Just don't simply close this door of an opportunity!

And like I said, don't let fear control your decisions!
Or else, you will end up missing out on many great things in life.

Tafarijah :

"the only thing that will remain is a big "what if?" ... a question that will be linger in the back of your mind maybe even for the rest of your life."

With all due respect. . . there won't be a "what if" He said himself there's only one way for it to end.

And yes, I was part of an unfortunate breakup. I had predicted the outcome almost two months prior realizing her lack of commitment would be the cause. . . giving me the full experience of what happens when you know that a breakup is coming, and it happens anyways. When it comes to love and sex, we are still animalistic at heart and expecting certain things instinctively. That's why Polyandry doesn't really work out very well. The fact that we have to deal with jealousy and a number of hard facts regarding the design or biological chemistry.

I speak from experience, and the outcome was not good. I remember my girl telling me. "You never know what might happen, better keep your eyes open." Well, after she said that (she said it on accident essentially), I did keep my eyes open, and I knew she was not committed. I tried to change her mind, but I knew who my text target was as well. My story had a lot going on, but in few ways was I surprised by the breakup. I was writing out my response to her because I believed it was coming almost two weeks before she actually pulled the trigger.

Minauno:
Tafarijah :
Sword Legion :

I appreciate all of your responses. It's good for me to hear multiple different perspectives and ways of thinking. I'll take what everyone has said into consideration for sure as I continue to decided what to do. Thank you all.

Sword Legion :

Tafarijah : I understand what you're saying. It's good to let loose and have fun in life. I simply believe that the consequences of Tgag's actions while he is young would leave him worse off than where he started. Consider the following.

Cons:

1. As his first time having sex, this woman will leave a huge, and permanent impact on him. If he ends up with a less sexually pleasing partner later in life, he may compare the two and find his current wife dissatisfying, even if at first she seemed superior.

2. Because of the sex in their relationship, he will probably feel really empty for at least two or three months after they break up. If I am to break up with someone, I'd at least prefer it's before they start appearing in my dreams about more. . . basic lusts. Then it will be much easier to move on. I can't imagine how much harder that will be when he's having real sex. Those memories will be combined with scent, her movements and everything.

3. The feeling of emptyness--while temporary--will affect his ability to work and do school. With work it's not as bad an issue, but with school, the consequences could be rather permanent.

4. He may find himself struggling in new relationships simply because he cannot find someone better than this girl in the first place. While unlikely, it's a said possibility that I've heard older men lament about. "The one that got away." They get focused on this because they cannot justify having a lesser woman and ending up with my first point. This is precisely why I won't have premarital sex.


Pros:

1. Sex feels good--for maybe twenty minutes.

2. Learn to have better sex. . . and then think back to her every time you use these learned techniques on the next girl.

3. Experience an emotional bond with someone, that you will ultimately have to break, or keep fairly shallow so that it doesn't hurt when you do let it go.

4. Learn how to treat a woman, because being yourself, honest, and a good person isn't enough to find the right girl I guess.


The rewards are soooooo short term. In my line of work, we'd say that's pretty bad when it comes to returns. Tgags is willing to spend one year trying to bond with someone, having sex, and ultimately having to let them go. That's not going to go over well. If he wants to use this experience to learn. . . he should read books or talk to other people. Don't underestimate how bad the emotional pain is. . . if you want to make a habit of running from girl to girl as well--then you will reprogram yourself to where commitment is much harder for you later in life because your brain has learned that it's not safe to just commit to one girl. It's like taking a type of emotional abuse. You get rewired, and then you start acting shallower, and shallower out of pure instinctive defenses.

That's simply not a sound way to go about your life.

Dating and casual sex is not for people who want to be happy later in life. I'd earnestly recommend courtship--especially for introverts. You are up front and honest with your girl. You are showing her commitment and seriousness. You get together a financial plan. . . and you talk about what a marriage between you two would entail from the very beginning. Cut out all the garbage. . . be genuine, and have a plan.

Sure, you can date someone in the same way, just don't beat around the bush. In our consumerist society today, commitment is in short supply.

I recommend doing things the long term way in life. You will have to live with yourself one day, and if you screw up now just to hate yourself in your thirties and forties. . . you won't get much pity from people around you. Thank you for your sympathy and understanding. I've known Tgags for a while though, I don't want him to fail in the same way. My courtship was three months. I can't imagine letting someone go after spending a whole year with them.

Sword Legion : That seemed more like an argument against pre-marital sex in general than this specific situation lol. I've already made up my mind on that one. I'm aware that person I lose my virginity to likely won't be the same person I marry, whether it be this girl or someone else. I'm fine with that. I don't think that will be an issue, I'm more concerned about the emotional investment and connections.

Another thing worth mentioning, I'm going home to Long Island during the summer, and I'd assume she's going home to Minnesota. So when this semester ends in mid may, there's a 3 month gap before we'd be back in Binghamton. That's another thing to consider. There's a year and a half before she graduates, but only 3.5 months until summer.

tgags123 :

Yeah. . . It is an argument against premarital sex really. It's just that when you have sex with someone, I would presume you would hope that your relationship would escalate into a marriage later, right? If that was your only problem, then I don't understand the thread. The way I see it. . . a breakup will absolutely happen at a specified time, and neither of you will handle it well. To put it this way.

Other people's mentality: "Sex before marriage is fine, but I hope that we will actually get married!"

Your situation. "Sex before marriage is fine, but rather than being together forever, I know without a doubt that we will have to part."

See the difference?

Thanks for the added information.

Sword Legion : Actually, the common mentality is "sex before marriage is fine but I hope I never have to see the person ever again after when I'm sober because that would be awkward" lmao. I'm not really a huge fan of that mentality, nor am I really able to practice it even if I was (too shy and lack of confidence, as I mentioned in the opening post.)

If I'm in a relationship with someone, and I'm having sex with them, I'd like it to be someone I actually care about. However, I acknowledge that there are a lot of reasons a relationship may not lead to marriage. To say that my first sexual relationship (whether it be with her or someone else) likely won't lead to marriage is just me being realistic. You even mentioned before that a lot of people aren't ready to commit until they are in their upper 20s or even 30s. If I truly like someone, and I am in a relationship with them, I'm not going to refrain from having sex with them just because I'm not sure if we'll end up getting married. And if it's true that I am in love with her, the presence or lack of sex in our relationship won't make the breakup any more or less difficult.

We're getting a little off topic, but I do think this is a worthwhile conversation. The point of the thread was more about whether or not dating with someone and engaging in an emotional relationship with them is a good idea if you know it won't last. The sex is just an aspect of it, not the point.

tgags123 : Do as you wish.

I really wouldn't want to have an emotional and sexual connection to someone knowing they will leave. I already saw the signs my girl was leaving, but pushed for the relationship to continue anyways. Didn't feel that great. If you figure your going to go through multiple girls anyways and aren't afraid of the loss. . . then I'm not sure what's stopping you.

I think the term "relationships" is very vague. Relationships come in so many different forms, and I think it would be foolish to claim that ANY and ALL romantic relationships with a known end date would end terribly.

Would they all hurt at least a little? Probably. But depending on the two people and the type of relationship they have, perhaps a short stint of having someone who share your world with is worth it, especially if the connection was not a deeply emotional level.

The answer is: Maybe. It's up to you and her and the type of relationship you have.