You know how you can listen to a song, and it will really make you think? I ain't talking "Oh... that's intersting" kind of think... I am talking about "Dang... that is deep. Really makes you think about things deep." Well, I was watching videos on YouTube. It went from WWE Funny Moments and Bloopers, to Most Shocking Returns, to Best Finishers, to Eddie Guerrero's Death. And while I was looking that up, this came up: 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzlsUnYplwE  (has explicit lyrics) 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OACV8UVHF5o (Clean version)

With what is going on with my Grandmother, it really made me think about life. I am not going to lie... I might only be 19, but I have already been through more that most people by the time they are 50. Let me tell you about just a few things:

December 1993: I was born. 
September 1994: One of my sisters (triplets) passes away at 40 hours old from birthing complications. 
Sometime in 1997: My parents divorce at the age of 3. I go with Dad... Sisters go with Mom.
1997 to 2003: Back and forth between Dad and Mom. 
1998 to 2000: Physically and Sexually Abused by Mom's Then Boyfriend. (Still wanted 13 years later by authorities )
April 2000: Cousin and Uncle whom I was very close to were killed by a drunk driver, Audrey Kishline. 
April 2001: Newborn Baby Brother is admitted into Intensive Care for 3 months just  2 days after being born for collapsed lung. 
Summer 2004: Best Friend is murdered along with his mother over a car, and a few hundred dollars during vacation in Europe. 
Early 2005: Emergency Surgery on neck from lethal spider bite. Doctor said a few more days and it would have reached my vein in my neck, and my heart. I would have died less than a week later. 
Valentine's Day, 2007: Grandfather (Father's Side), passes away in hospital after misdiagnosis. 
Memorial Day, 2007: Great Grandfather (Mother's Side), passes away from old age. 
Spring Break 2008: Had Charges pressed against me. (Not going to talk about it... Don't ask. PERIOD. ) Charges dropped in court. Caused me a hard time throughout High School. 
August 2008: Started High School. Pulled ACL in Football Practice. Was able to walk without crutches, but could not play that season.
August 2009: Transferred to School. Attacked by gang members for being different entire year.
August 2010: Transferred Back to Freshman Year High School. Made football team again. Walked off for issues with a few players after re-injuring calf the practice before the season opener.
September 2011: Transferred High Schools, yet again. 
January 2012: Graduated High School a semester early. 
August 2012: Left for Basic Training for the United States Army.
October 2012: Graduated from Basic Training for the United States Army after being told by multiple Vizzed members, family members, high school classmates, and family members that I was not going to make it. 
December 2012: Best Friend from elementary school in my hometown dies in a 3 way car crash on icy roads on way back from work while I am on leave, visiting family right down the road. 
March 2013: Diagnosed with Kyphosis. Later that same month, diagnosed with Degenerative Disk Disease in my spine. 
May 2013: Infrormed that my Grandmother (Father's Side) has less than 6 months to live... if she is lucky. 
Current: Dealing with thinking back on all these memories.

I am not trying to make this about me. No. I brought all of that up to show people that I have been through a lot, so some things actually make me think about things a little deeper than the same thing might make other people think. 
I mean... it's hard enough dealing with everybody constantly trying to put you down (I've been traveling on this road too long... trying to find my way back home...). But, when you can prove them wrong, it is the best feeling (Just trying to find my way back home...). But then, something completely out of your control just comes to you and slaps you in the face... That's the worse feeling in the world (The Old Me's Dead and Gone.). Every time something really hard happens... It hurts, and it hurts bad. In some way, it changes you. 

I can honestly say I do not know who I really am. It is really hard. I keep having to change me to cope with all the mess that happens to me. It seems that once I think I figure out who I am, something happens, and I have to change to cope with it. Once I finally get over it, or learn to deal with it, Some other messed up crap happens. 

It's just really hard. I just want to know if this happens to anybody else. I mean, soldiers die overseas, and I might not have known them personally, but they are still my brothers and sisters in arms. Every time... I feel for them. I feel for their families. Becuase, what if... what if it were me? What if I got killed overseas? Would anybody care? Would anybody think of me? Or would I just be another statistic? Would I just be another "Here's your flag, Mom" and it be left at that? 

The old me is Dead and Gone. I am still trying to find the new me... but it is hard, you know? 


Just saying... I had to get that off my chest.


Lyrics of Dead and Gone by T.I. featuring Justin Timberland (lyrics link: http://www.6lyrics.com/dead_and_gone_clean_version-lyrics-t_i.aspx)

[Spoken - T.I.]
Ay
Let me kick it to you right quick, partner
Not as a ganster, but as a grown man
What matters more than the mistakes you've made,
Is what you able to learn from it. Big Phil
This for you pimpin'
[Chorus - Justin Timberlake (T.I.)]
Ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone, dead and gone
[Verse 1 - T.I.]
Ever had one of dem days wish woulda stayed home
Run into a group of suckas who gettin' they hate on You walk by
They get wrong
You reply then things get blown
Way outta proportion
Way past discussion
Just you against them, pick one then rush 'em
Figure you'll get dropped, hell that's nuthin'
They don't wanna stop there now they bussin'
Now you gushin', ambulance rushin'
You to the hospital with a bad concussion
Plus ya hit 4 times
Plus it hit ya spine
Paralyzed waist down now ya wheel chair bound
Nevermind that now you lucky to be alive
Just think it all started you fussin' with 3 guys
Now ya pride in the way, but ya pride is the way
You could mess around, get shot, die anyday
People die everyday
All over nonsense, dirty money, dice game, stash box contents
Could this be 'cos of hip hop music?
Or did the ones with the good sense not use it?
Usually people don't know what to do when their back against the wall so they just start shootin'
For red or for blue or for blo I guess
From Bankhead or from your projects
No more stress, now I'm straight, now I get it, now I take
Time to think, before I make mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of me left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say
The old me dead and gone away
[Chorus - Justin Timberlake (T.I.)]
Ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone, dead and gone (yeah e yeah)
[Verse 2 - T.I.]
I ain't never been scared, I lived through tragedy
Situation coulda been dead lookin' back at it
Most of that stuff didn't even have to happen
But you don't think about it when you out there trappin'
In apartments, hangin', smokin', and rappin'
Suckas start something, next thing ya know we at it
Get locked up then didn't even get mad
Now thinking back then what a life I had
Most of that stuff, look back, just laugh
Some stuff still look back get sad
Maybe my homeboy still be around
Had I not hit the sucka in the mouth that time
I won that fight
I lost that war
I can still see my homie walkin' out that door
Who'da thought I'd never see Philant no more?
Got enough dead homies I don't want no more
Cost a sucka his job Cost me more
Should walked of and take that loss for sure
Now think before I risk my life
Take them chances to get my stripe
Somebody put his hands on me alright
Otherwise stand there talk stuff all night
'Cos I hit you, you sue me,
I shoot you, get locked up, who me?
No more stress, now I'm straight, now I get it, now I take
Time to think, before I make mistakes just for my family's sake
That part of me left yesterday
The heart of me is strong today
No regrets I'm blessed to say
The old me dead and gone away
[Chorus - Justin Timberlake (T.I.)]
Ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
[Hook - Justin Timberlake]
I turn my head to the East
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the West
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the North
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be alright
I turn my head to the East
I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the West
Still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the North
Swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me is dead and gone
But that new me will be alright
[Chorus - Justin Timberlake (T.I.)]
Ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone
And ohhhh (eyyy)
I've been travellin' on this road too long (too long)
Just tryna find my way back home (back home)
The old me is dead and gone, dead and gone, dead...