Because anything but porn can be posted here, maybe we should tell each other some dirty jokes?

Here's one to get us started:

Broccoli: I look like a tree!
Walnut: I look a brain, I'm so smart.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella, no more rain!
Banana: Can we please change the subject?!

Jack brings a cat to school, teacher says "why do u have a cat here?" Jack answers "because the milkman told mummy he was going to eat her p**** '

I thought this was pretty funny.

This isn't necessarily a dirty joke, but it's funny...

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A man bumps into a girl at the check in at a hotel, he hits her in the boob with his elbow, he said "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I'm sure you'll forgive me." The girl replys by saying "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."

LMFAO @ ^

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

A teacher asked boy to use definitely in a sentence but the boy first  asked: "Teacher do farts have lumps"? "No" she replied. Then the boy said: "then I definitely have sh** in my pants".

Deadly Fruit - This made me laugh out loud.

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.
The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."
The next day, while listening to the news they hear:"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people....."

How To Make A Horse Cry

There is a Bar in Calumpang who have has a Horse and they have a contest of it. Whoever will make the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free drinks.

So a man from Manila comes in and the Bartender looks at him and he ask for a beer and he ask the Bartender about the contest.

The Bartender tells him that whoever makes the horse laugh will win P5,000 and free beer on the house.

So this guy whisper something to the horse and the horse rolls over and laughing!!!

EEEEEEeeeeeeehhhh!!!

He takes the P5,000 from the Bartender, drinks a lot of beer.

As he is about to leave the Bartender ask him, “Will you be back tomorrow when we’ll have a new contest?” The guy replies” Of course this is easier money than my career.”

So the next night. The guy walks into the Bar with a large smile and reads the sign next to the Horse:

Whoever makes the Horse cry will win P10,000 and free beer from the house. The Bartender tells the guy,” Let me see you win this one.”

The guy approaches the Horse and shows him something. The Horse starts rolling on the ground and crying.

When the guy goes to claim his prize. The Bartender says. ” Before I pay you, You have to tell me what you did to the horse?”

The guy lights a cigarette and says,” Easy the first time, I told the Horse that my penis is larger than his, the second time I showed him “.

What if the light that we see at the end of the tunnel when we die is really just us being pushed out of a vagina into our next life? Mind blown.

Durex has created new glow in the dark condoms.....

Their new slogan for them it going to be "Now you see it, Now you don't, Now you see it, Now you don't,"

It seems that mathematics isn't so impeccable after all! Especially when it
comes to sex! Here are some mathematical truisms that didn't quite hold up!

If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you
have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely.

If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends
get?
None.

Is three an odd number?
Not in this day and age.

If a 6-inch penis can attract 10 women, how many women can an 18-inch penis
attract?
Two billion.

If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have
2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!

How are math and sex the same?
I don't get either one.

---

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!


What do you do in case of fallout?
Put it back in and take shorter strokes!


What did Adam say to Eve?
You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

Seriously.

This is lulz worthy. Favorited.

legacyme3 : This thread really is hilarious.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.





This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

alexanyways :

Ok, I can't help but laugh at that one. I actually heard that one before too.


This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?"

To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars."

So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!"

So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so f***ing fine, of course I would!"

Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?"

So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically"

"Well what's the difference?" says the father.

"Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 s*uts and a f**!"

A doctor is visited by a couple, and the husband says to the doctor, "Doc, you gotta do something about my wife! She's a total nympho and my jealousy is driving me nuts. Can you find a way to cure her?"

"I don't know," said the doctor. "I'll give her a physical and see if I can find out anything. Please wait outside"

So the husband reluctantly goes out to the waiting room and leaves his wife, who is really hot, to follow the doctor into the examining room. It started as a routine examination except that the woman kept moaning every time he touched her to examine her. After awhile, the poor man just couldn't take it anymore, it was too arousing, and he dropped his pants and started having sex with her right on the examining table, with her moaning like crazy.

"Doc, what the f*** do you think you're doing," he heard the husband ask from the door of the examining room. Uh oh, time to think fast.

"It's not what you think," the doctor cried, "I am just taking her temperature!"

"I see, " said the man as he pulled out a long hunting knife from his coat and examined it in the light. "Well then doc, when you pull that thing out it better damn well have numbers on it."