I will try and keep this short and sweet because talking about this brings back a lot of bad memories for me. Without going into too much detail about the relationship I was recently contacted by an ex-girlfriend of mine via social media. To be perfectly honest, we were engaged for a time but I prefer not to think too much about it if I can because as I said it brings up a lot of memories that are painful for me.


I was going to simply ignore the request and delete it but I accidently confirmed the request. Although I immediately deleted her off my page when I became aware of my error I am leery of her trying something now.

I am only on social media for business reasons and that was the overriding factor of why I am trying to stay clear of any nonsense besides me not wanting anything to do with her. I am trying to figure out the best way to go about this without leaving myself open to too much nonsense. I have thought about outright blocking her but I realize that even years later we still have many mutual friends and I don’t want to leave myself open to getting into any arguments with any of them.

I have said periodically on other threads that the only reason I am even on social media is because it more or less became mandatory for work related purposes for me to do so although I have not been very comfortable in doing so. A situation like this is precisely the type of situation that I wanted to avoid and, is one of many reasons why I was against the concept of social networking to begin with.


Does anyone have any advice?

Hmm annoying ex, I can feel you
Well, I'll tell you what I usually do whenever I break up. I just try to "cut" every bridge of communication. Sometimes you have to change your phone number, and many of your accounts on sites etc, especially when that ex is too persistent and stubborn, and doesn't understand what means "it's over"
So if I were you, I would simply block her.
As long as your friends, I think that if they're real friends of yours, they'll understand you and they'll show respect to your choice. True friends always support their friends, so don't worry. I doubt that they'll argue with you, if you explain them your situation.
Besides, it's your life and you have every right to do as you wish with it. So if you don't want to have any contact with her, you have the right to "block" her, both from the internet and your life.

I don't know if this advice is the ideal for you, but it's what I would have done, if I were you. And good luck

noelia : Well I don’t know if “Annoying” is the proper terms for it… It has been a good 11 or more years since we’ve been together so it’s not a matter of annoyance that really troubles me in regard to her. As I said we were engaged for a time and although I won’t go into detail about the relationship much I will give some generalities about how things went.

Simply put she wasn’t on the up and up with me and lied to me about things that are very serious and no person should be lied to about. In addition to being lied to she wasn’t on the up and up in terms of the relationship and in the end it caused me more grief then I or anyone else for that matter truly deserved and did a number on me. It also doesn’t help that right before I left school she told me that she couldn’t be with a drop out and that I wouldn’t amount to anything.

Even so many years later the anger is still there not so much over her not being on the up and up but more so for what she said to me and such. It has been a good six years since I have heard or even seen her and the last time I saw her I pretty much told her I wanted nothing to do with her but not before I showed her some of my magazine work that I had done internationally after I left school and said not bad for a drop out who “Won’t amount to (explicit) “ eh? Though I was already a published writer even before I left school.

The look on her face was priceless… though I didn’t say it in a vindictive way. I was simply trying to make my point which I did. In regard to the relationship the crap that she did and said after the relationship ended, lies etc, has basically kept me from a meaningful relationship since.

I may be single and to a large extent devoted to my work first and foremost but, I just feel that I have worked very hard and very long to get where I am and although I am not satisfied with where I am; I don’t want to jeopardize anything by allowing her or for that matter quite a few people back in my life.

It has been a couple of days and nothing has happened as of yet but to be honest I have had a very busy week with getting ready to cover a fight card tomorrow night and, getting to do my first press conference earlier this week, I haven’t had time to pay much attention.

You are clearly not over the break-up and want to prove her what a bad choice she made.
That's totally normal yet not a healthy thing to do.
I've kind of felt the same, but you finally just have to get over it.
If she added you, you deleted her, I think she'll get the message of what it means.
And if you don't want anything to do with her, just keep declining or deleting.
And no intention of talking to her? Sometimes people just want to talk. Talk it over. It doesn't necessarily mean she wants you back.

aili : Oh I’m over the actual break up… It took a while but I got there… As I said she lied to me about things that were very serious and once I came to grips with that it was easy to get over the actual break up… This is more like not wanting to open the door back up if I can avoid it.

Yes it was many years ago but, it’s not the type of thing that one can just say let bygones be bygones if their wise. I thought about it a little bit because being a writer and having my responsibilities and such I have to be approachable but at the same time, it are those responsibilities that I have that allow me to steer clear of anything that might be unnecessary because I value my position etc.

As far as me wanting to prove a point, I’ve already done that.

I would just ignore her completely, you not responding to any messages, requests, ect. But thats just me. Anyways good luck to you man.

In that case - just ignore her.
Harder though is ignoring it mentally, if you know what I mean.
You're a writer - write about it (but I guess you have already?).
Usually works for me, as a starter.

aili : I can relate to writing things out thoughts etc when I am stressed it can be actually very therapeutic at times. I have basically gone the route of ignoring her but as I said it has been a very busy week for me so I haven’t really had much time to notice much of anything other than what I’ve been working on and such. This week it will be considerably lighter as I don’t have any cards to cover until next weekend and as far as I’m aware don’t have any conferences to dial into. I’m actually happy that I am going to get a little rest though after what last year was like for me I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the taste of working again and getting to do something that I never had the opportunity to do before. In that instance I am very grateful and appreciative that I was blessed with this and hope that it leads to nothing but better things for me and maybe even steadier money.

In regard to this though although I am not a vindictive person and consider myself to be very approachable but in regard to this one it isn’t an easy thing. A lot of people moved on graduated and from what I understand are very content with their lives.

In my case although I have my share of regrets and things that I wish had gone differently (Who doesn’t?) I hold my head high but I won’t lie when I say it’s been a battle for me since I left school both professionally and personally. Professionally it’s been a battle for respect and recognition and paying dues and putting up with the struggles that every writer goes through etc. Hopefully I am slowly winning that battle.

Personally it’s been a little different in that I’ve had to rebuild my reputation off of the crap she started and with the lies and such. As I’ve said I really haven’t had a meaningful relationship since this relationship ended so, although I consider myself fortunate that the relationship ended when it did, it isn’t easy forgetting what went on. As I said though I am just ignoring her and hopes that’ll be the end of it.

Thanks for the advice I appreciate it.

Good choice. Everyone at the other forums I go to would have said for you to do the same thing. That fact that you've been broken up for a long time should have made her a bit of a stranger to, but it's because you haven't had any other since then that you felt the way you did and post this here. But no matter. Keeping out of contact is for the best.

Also, pics of ex?

Cyro Xero : Nope no pictures… I think I pretty much got rid of everything I had of her’s after the relationship ended… I was nice about it though, either gave stuff directly to her or gave it to a friend to return it to her for me so at least I was decent about it though I think I would have been fully within my rights to be difficult about it.

As I said the main issue that bothered me was the lying after the relationship ended. Her not being on the up and up with me during the relationship hurt as well but her lying over serious matters that no person should be lied to about made it easier to deal with once I found out about the lying. It hurt no doubt for a time but, the way I look at it is that if you are willing to put yourself in a relationship and are fully committed to that relationship but, the other half chooses to not be on the up and up with you and then chooses to lie about things that are serious and stuff that most would consider life altering and doesn’t think twice about any of it, then the reality is although it hurts for a while in reality you dodged a bullet and should consider yourself lucky in a way.

This is how I think of things in regard to her despite dealing with some affects from her lying in regard to relationships I’ve tried to have since. It may not be perfect but I hold my head high and know that when the right one comes along that odds are I will be appreciated more then what I was in regard to her.

Ouch, this stuff is hard.

When I try to avoid an ex I make a mental note of everywhere my ex used to go, and then I decide to avoid it at those times I guess.

I just don't usually have this problem, because for some reason my exes never have anything against me. I end up becoming good friends with most of them.

legacyme3 : Well, it is hard you’re definitely right about that… I have pretty much become a hermit in the years since mostly because I can rarely afford to go out and I am always working on material in some form in regard to my work. So I really don’t have to worry much about inadvertently running into her while out and about simply because I don’t go out often and work out of my home.

I still live in the same house that I was living in years ago so the one drawback is she knows where I live but fortunately that isn’t something that has happened as of yet where she’s shown up at my door. The last time she did that I pretty much as I said told her I didn’t want to see her but was nice about it, even told her to stay safe etc.

I know that may seem like a bit of a contradiction that I wanted nothing to do with her (Which I don’t…) but, was nice enough to tell her to stay safe. The only thing I can say about that is that I was raised a certain way and I was pretty much trying to be courtesies and polite. At the end of the day I am a decent person that’s what it boils down to.

Honestly, you may not like what I am about to say. I am really blunt about things and this is my honest opinion.

It sounds like you really are not over the break-up at all. If you were, you would have moved on and hearing from her would not bother you. If it happened over a decade ago, and she requested to add you on a social site (I assume Facebook or Twitter), then it is because she has moved on and was extending an olive branch. You are acting like she is a stalker or something, when you yourself admit that she hasn't resent the friend request. You are the one hiding in your home, burying yourself in your work. It honestly sounds like she has made efforts to reach out to you, perhaps to try and apologize, who knows, but you are obviously still angry, and that anger is not good.

Avoiding her is avoiding the problem you have with her. You said that her lies caused problems in your later relationships... how? You can PM me if you don't feel comfortable talking about it publicly, but I want the truth.

I know how you feel. They would not leave you alone.

I would suggest going and talking to therapist of some sort. It sounds like there are a lot of unresolved feelings from that relationship that are still bothering you 13 years later. Your last post made it seem like your starting to deal with the pain and move on, but if it took you this long to get to this point I think you might need to get a little help.  I think talking all this out would be the best thing for you in the long run and help you be able to finally move on. I wish you the best of luck with all this and I hope it works out for you.

I'm still friends with my exes. Heck, I'm best friends with two of them!

The secret: Become friends.

rlmathias01 :   I appreciate your suggestion but I don’t think I need to seek professional help on this one. Like I said the main issue that has been a thorn in my side pretty much had to do with lies that she started after the relationship ended which subsequently has pretty much kept me from a relationship even after so much time has past.

Basically it’s one of those things that no matter what I did because things were spread around it made it very difficult to defend myself and, when I did often the first reaction of people was to assume that I was full of it and such. It’s been very trying simply due to those lies but I don’t have any feelings for her or anything like that.

As I said the lies actually made it relatively easy to get over the relationship in time back then. As I’ve said I accepted the request mostly because I am in a catch 22 as I am a journalist and on one hand I don’t want anything to jeopardize what I’ve worked for but at the same time I don’t want to get a reputation that I am not approachable because that is simply the furthest thing from the truth. The problem like I said with doing what I do for a living is you have to be accessible to everyone even if you may not care for certain people. This is what it really all boiled down to for me.

In the conversation I had with her that I mentioned before she did apologize to me so I will give her that much but as I said I more or less told her that there was nothing that could be done about it now and it was really a pointless thing to discuss because what’s done is done and we can’t go back and change things. I didn’t accept the apology so much as I just gave her a professional answer which is truly how I feel about things. 13 yrs ago it might have done some good to get an apology and for her to attempt to undo the damage she caused me but after so much time has past. Based on what I went through and the damage that was done, I would be a fool to say “Okay I forgive you” and lets let bygones be bygones.

As I said the things that she lied about were very serious matters that no person should be lied to about. Hell, no one should be lied to period. These were things that were life changing matters that I took very seriously at the time and, it isn’t one of those things that one forgets easily. I was civil with her and polite as I am with everyone else that I deal with so despite everything I refused to refrain from that professional manner that I have and I think that she was surprised by that.

She also confided in me that the person that she is with now is battling cancer and that frankly hit home for me as one of my sisters has been fighting cancer for three years. Despite past history of lying I took it as a legitimate thing and told her that I feel bad for him and that my thoughts are with him. I don’t know how legit this is but if she was telling the truth I do sincerely feel bad for the guy as I have seen first hand the damage that cancer can do. If I had it my way there would be no such thing as disease or suffering in this world and regardless of the situation between her and I, I hate to hear or see someone suffer so if she was telling the truth my heart goes out to this guy and I pray that he will be alright.

She pretty much lives right down the street from me so that has me a little uneasy because although the two conversations we had were civil I am not really open to meeting with her. The last time we talked she asked me if I was still living where I live and I told her the truth and she told me that she’s driven past where I live before but has been reluctant to come to the door because she didn’t know how I felt about things.

I can respect that she was open enough to say that she has driven by. It was something that I frankly didn’t expect and was kind of surprised by it. As I’ve said before we share many mutual friends and some of them have started asking to meet up with me themselves. The one drawback of sorts is that I work all the time and as I’ve said the few days that I am not working during the week, I am actually trying to recoup and or am doing research for the next batch of events that I am covering so it makes it hard to meet up with people, even people that I am on good terms with.

I know that more than likely sooner or later I will end up crossing paths with her in some way so that’s one thing that I will have to deal with at some point. I will be honest though I probably won’t be comfortable when the time comes.




Snowdeath :

There was a time where I considered her a close friend after all we were engaged for a time and if you aren’t close to someone you’re in a relationship with then who can you be close to? We were friends before we got together many years ago. The problem is once things went romantic and after we were engaged she began lying and other things which pretty much ended whatever friendship we had prior to the relationship along with the relationship itself.

I was like I said very civil and polite with her like I am with everyone I deal with either business wise or personally. I am just a real polite person at the end of the day so at the absolute minimum at least I can say that I was polite about things.

youve probably already sorted it out now but what i did in the same kind of position as you is block the person then ignore her for a while and if she calls just let it ring, i waited for about a month and then things became less frequent soon any person will stop and realise its over then you can probably have 'just friends' convos if you know what i mean dont know how to explain it too well but hope youve got what you needed

Girls tend to do that... They would dump someone because they don't think they are good enough for them or vice versa but then after thinking about it (some people take longer than others) they usually think it was a mistake to break a long term relationship. I see that you already tried talking to her and she didn't try to make a move so I think you are safe from having to experience all the pain again. Instead of meeting her alone, you could get a bigger group to go with you so it is strictly a friend thing. Also, does she have a boyfriend right now OR had one?? If she had a boyfriend and was dumped recently, she probably came back to you and want you to comfort her which is a BIG NO NO because then you are the rebound boyfriend. By your age (sorry had to look at your age, not a stalker or anything) it is smart to be formal about all these type of things because you have to start thinking about your future. ALSO, you said she broke up with you 13 years ago?? She probably didn't want to settle then and she wanted to experience different guys and afterwards she found that you were the best husband material... I don't know. These are all guesses and we just did a whole thing about relationship in our religion lessons >.<''

ANYWAY,  you really shouldn't judge all girls just because ONE girl broke your heart D: AND hope you get this all sorted AND hope you will find the girls of your dream one day!

BEST OF LUCK!!