A man breaks into a house and begins looting the place, then he hears a voice say, "God is watching." The man shakes it off and continues looting the ho
use. Then he hears the voice again "God is watching." He turns around and sees a parrot. The robber says, "Well hi there! What is your name?"
The parrot says "St. Peter".
"What an odd name. Who would name a parrot that?" says the robber.
"The same guy who named the rottwieler God."

A guy named David walks into a store that looks to be a pet store he walks in and picks a dog the owner told him to come back in a hour *one hour later* The owner gives him a bag david asks where is the dog the owner tells him David he's holding it

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.His wife was on a business trip and was planning to him there the next day.When he reached his hotel,he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.Unable to find find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address,he tried his best to type it in from memory.Unfortunatly,he missed a letter and his note was directed to an elderly preacher's wife,who's husband had only passed away only the day before.When the grieving widow checked her e-mail,she took one look at the monitor,let out a piercing scream,and fell to the floor
At the sound,her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
I just got checked in.Everything is ready for your arrival tomarrow.
Your Loving Husband.
PS.Sure is hot down here.



Answer:Remember that the elderly preacher's wife's husband had passed away the day before?
When she saw the two sentances:Everything is ready for your arrival tomarrow and Your Loving Husband,she thought she was going to die the next day.

ronaldo7 : Do you momma jokes count? If so...

Yo mama's so fat that when she stepped on the scale, it showed your phone number.

Trainer10 : That one was funny!

A little boy is with his grandfather in a store, he tells his grandfather that he has to go pee, and the grandfather says "don't say that, say that you have to whisper", so later that night the boy goes to his dad and tells him he has to whisper, and his dad say "go ahead son whisper right in my ear"

Okay, so this irish man walks out of a bar...

A mushroom walks into a bar , sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the mushroom and says I'm sorry but we dont serve your kind here! The mushroom looks back at the bartender and says why not? I'm a fun guy. ( get it, fungi )

A cute funny joke called...

The Driving Test


A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police for speeding.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car, sir?" asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Here is the best joke every its mean but funny.

ITS NOT OVER TILL THE FAT LADY SINGS, OH SORRY DIDN'T MEAN TO BRING YOU MOM INTO THIS!

WHAT DO YOU call a fat guy in a race cart?




well u know what they say, its the fat and the furios

"Girl is over her boyfriend house"
Boy: (Playing Xbox)
Girl: (sitting on the boys bed sad)
Boy: Whats wrong babe?
Girl:Oh nothin
Boy: (Turns off Xbox)
Girl:Why did you stop playing?
Boy:Cause my baby girl is more important than my xbox
Girl:Awh(smiles)
Boy: ( Turns on Playstation3 )

LMAO!

Hey sir, this boy name is alligator
Man: Alexander?
Me: No... Alligator...
Man: You saying Alexander...
Me: Why would anyone give that name to alligator?
Man: Theres a animal named "Alexander"?
Me: ... noo... Its "Alligator"
Man: And what is this giant reptile? Komodo dragon?
Me: (Sigh) ITS ALLIGATOR!
Man: SO HIS NAME IS ALEXANDER!!

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Another funny blonde joke...

Someone Hacked into a Blondes computer account. The password was: MickeyGoofyPlutoDaisyCinderellaShrekDonkeyFionaWashingtonD.C. When asked why she had such a long password she replied that she was told it had to have at least eight characters and one capital.

Whats the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven xD
i realize its mean but its a joke :p

How much crack did Charlie Sheen do ?
Enough to kill two and a half men.

ronaldo7 : whats the difference between a jew and a canoe ? one tips

there were these 3 guys working on a skyscraper. A American, German, and Japanese.
The 3 complain about their lunch, during break. The Japanese one says " yuck PB and J again.... If it is this tomorrow I'll jump off the building." Same is said of the American and German. The next day.... The Japanese, German, and American man kill themselves jumping off the building, because they had the same food for lunch. The wives of the 3 mourn, except the American wife. The 2 other wives (now widows) said "Why aren't you sad over his death?" the American Widow said " He packed his own lunch".

Speedic

wrpen99 : Your joke was short, yet very hilarious.Jajaja when do you see an irish man walk "out of a bar".You are March's 500 vizz winner.

Today marks April's contest for the funniest joke so keep posting