Oh my gosh, THIS game. Little Red Hood, aka the little girl who runs away from obese people in purple shirts with nothing to attack them with but a little white dog. That wasn't a run-on sentence AT ALL. Now, I don't even know where to begin with this piece of crap. It's so... random. Yeah, I know who I sound like. This review is going to be MUCH longer than usual, partially because this game takes so long to explain.
--- So... what's the point? ---
Okay. I'm looking through this box of old NES games. I see all sorts of nice, regular, gray cartridges. But then, I see one that sticks out, and hides another game behind it. It would be a regular NES unliscensed cartridge, but it has this part that sticks out in the front (that's what she said) and it has something that looks like another cartridge could fit on top. It can. In fact it's required to play it on a regular NES. What game could it be? Why, Little Red Hood, of course! So, I start up the game, and I see an obese person in a purple shirt killing Red. The nerve of some people. So, you start out surrounded by obese people in purple shirts. Yeah, I gotta stop saying that. You can't kill them. The 'A' button makes Red jump. Well, you can jump over the enemy, but jumping ON them does nothing. And kicking them with 'B' does nothing. Your only method of attack is kicking a rock, and occasianally, you can find a dog. When the enemy and the dog come together, the enemy dissapers.
--- Why is there a shop? ---
So, now, I have to explain the shops. Ocassinally, a staircase appears. There's no way of knowing when it comes, but sure enough, it does. In there, there is a bunch of gold. Each piece is worth $100 dollars. The shops all sell 3 things: a potion, a heart, and a slingshot. The potion cost $1500 dollars. It makes you invincible for a short time. About as short as William Henry Harrison's term as president! (If you didn't know, it only lasted a month. =P) The heart, which costs $2000 dollars, just refills your energy. Something you can do for FREE. And then the slingshot, which costs $1000 dollars. Now, you'd think that you would have a projectile, but no. YOU THROW THE SLINGSHOT! What good would that do? If I was Red, I would just hold an enemy down, and whack him to death with this thing. And it doesn't even MATTER, because the ememy comes right back to life! No going off screen, no 5-seconds, but as soon as the frame with the slingshot hits the enemy, the ememy comes back and the side of the screen IMMEDIATELY. All this crap is worthless.
--- How do I get past the FIRST LEVEL? ---
To get past the first level, you need to get a key, which sometimes appears inside a staircase. I mean, I've been in there so many times, it seems like there's nothing in there but gold and candy. Now, when you have the key, you have to collect 12 cherries, then you just wait a little while, and then a white staircase appears. This is all nearly IMPOSSIBLE to find out on your own. So, you go in there, and there you go. This game is 10 levels, and you do the same thing each time. It really gets repititve. The graphics suck. They have enemies that blend in with the background, sezuire enducing patterns, and sickening colors. And the music is just the same sterotypical Chinese music looping infinitley. And did I mention that the item placement is random? Sometimes, they're inside objects, and sometimes they're on the same space. I talked about the jumping's weird arc, right? It's like the hammers in Super Mario Bros. 3. It's weird, but you can get used to them. It's okay, until the turtle jumping part. You can't get on them. You either overthrow the jump or fall through. It's like trying to walk on water. It's impossible. Level 5 and 8 are the only unique levels. Level 5 is a swimming stage where all you have to do is collect pearls. SO EASY. In Level 8, the key doesn't ever appear. Well... I guess it does. If you have $4500 DOLLARS!!! You have to buy a potion and 3 slingshots! It's unbeliveble how random this game is. It's like Weird Al. You never know what he's gonna say next. Well... the ending of the game is the grandma saying "Oh! My dear Little Red Hood! Thank you for your coming!" And then they both flap thier arms in such a way it's.... well, I don't want to offend anyone by saying it, so NEVER MIND. I don't care to ever play this again. I've had enough of this game. I probably hit my first 1000 word review right here. So, I guess I'll see you next week!
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