Ten years. Wow. It's crazy to think about.

I've been thinking about this for a long time. It's been a decade on Vizzed, a site that has witnessed every aspect of my adulthood. Going through time, and looking at my posts, gives you such an accurate portrayal of how my life has progressed over the years.

I nearly died in a race, I dropped out of college, I got kicked out of my parent's house. I fell in love. I moved in with my grandmother and became a shut-in for a number of years. I adopted a miracle cat. I broke up with the person I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. I found someone else. I moved to California. I went back to college. I got my first real job. I got my degree. I moved back to the east coast, and got a much better job. I got married. I moved again (to where, I'll leave hidden, I've said it somewhere else I'm sure). I got an EVEN BETTER job. I'm looking at home ownership, and very possibly children in the next couple of years. My life has been an absolute rollercoaster over the past decade, and all of you on Vizzed have been witness to it.

You've also been witness to the darker side of "Leggy". I elaborated on this a little earlier in my most recent thread, which you may or may not have already seen. For those who have not been around for the whole experience, or for those who were not aware, I'll outline some of those things, so that I can more accurately come to peace with the darkness that's brewed inside me for the past decade.

I have wronged a lot of people, and in a lot of different ways. Friends, adversaries, all kinds of people. I've lied, I've manipulated, and I've been controlling in a lot of aspects of my life. And there are people who have broken out of that cycle, and can confirm the tale for themselves. It's not that I'm a master of any sort of manipulation, but I was a bastard and definitely a bad person, and there were lives that I have affected. In a way, that's an unfortunate legacy of my own. As someone who cares a lot about being remembered, I have to understand that means the negative parts as well.

Most of these lies and deceit came out of boredom. Nothing else.

Like I said earlier, I became a shut-in for a long period of time, and this was when I was probably at my worst, socially speaking. I got bored. So I wanted to play games. And not just any games, the most tricky games of all. I wanted to better understand human hearts and human emotions. So by playing with them, I came to understand better how they worked.

I didn't do so because I had any grand purpose. I was just bored and passing time.

There were people who didn't experience this. Largely because I didn't think they were worth my time and energy. Some people got off "lucky" in this regard. Because they were completely irrelevant to my world view, and I couldn't be bothered to try and understand their hearts for one reason or another. All the same, this group of people often got offended that I "hated" them or something. To hate, you have to care. And I didn't care. So apologies to those who felt I hated you, there's only two people in this world I hate, and none of them are reading this right now.

I often invoked the name of God, and prided myself on being "just" in a lot of manners. This was false providence. When I saw no reprecussions for my actions, I kept doing them. The worst I ever got was a slap on the wrist, and a reminder that what I was doing was wrong. It didn't matter how many times I said I understood, it was never truly punished, and I was always welcomed back to start the cycle over.

I also threw "love" around a lot. Both at people I did actually "love" and at people I didn't, and often times when I was actually involved with someone else. This was probably my greatest crime, if I'm being honest, as love is the one thing I actually give a s*** about. I lived my whole life to be surrounded by people who loved me. After attempting suicide at age 18 (three times), I realized that I needed more support in my life. So what's a better support system than those who love you?

As a result, I used "love" to get people to surround me, and it actually worked for a long time. Too long, actually. Over the past decade, the amount of people I've said "I love you" or something similar too, is far too long for me to properly recall, and that I don't remember even half of these people is truly a travesty, when you consider just how many people were genuinely hurt (and they let me hear it). I imagine there are more people that hate than love me at this point, but this never really bothered me a ton, because as you know, "the opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy". It's when people don't care at all that I get truly scared.

A lot of my friends were caught in the crossfire. I say that term pretty loosely, because I can't actually say I know them that well, and I don't really speak with anyone from my past all that much anymore. Once the group I was with dissolved and we all went our separate ways, I made a small discord server (which I'm bringing back, by the way) that I deleted, to cut everyone out of my life. The cycle continued, and because of some lingering attachment, they stuck around, until I finally cut the cord. They never tried to bring it back, and I don't blame them. In their situation, I wouldn't have either.

I'm not proud of what I've done. I'm sure my mother wouldn't be either. I'm hoping that one day I can become a good person, so the praise she heaps on me is actually deserved. She always says I'm doing so well, but I'm struggling with a lot of demons, and it really hurts that I feel I need to hide it from her, and from the rest of my family, that thinks I'm so well put together.

I'm constantly wandering, looking for a place to call home. Both in mind and in body. I haven't found it yet, but I keep thinking I'm getting closer and closer. What's become clear though, is that I can't find home if I'm always looking back, or looking online. I need to advance, and find something new that strikes a chord. I'm getting closer every day.

You might be confused by all of this. That's fine. The past decade has essentially been a decade long performance, and I'm just ready to finally take a bow, and leave it all behind. The acting, the performing, the playing, and all of that. These apologies I posted, and this confession I'm writing right now are the final act of said performance. If I've managed to make you feel anything at all, then my job as a performer and a writer are done.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I've been wholly fake or inauthentic. I've actually been quite candid when asked, and there are bits and pieces of me that are for certain, true. But the persona I have built over 10 years is a facade, and that's something I think we can all identify with. Facades keep us safe, and allow us to better act with the courage we wish to act upon in our own real lives. This persona gave me strength, and allowed me the power of anonymity. If I f***ed up, I could always go somewhere else and start again, unlike in real life, where your past follows you everywhere you go.

The consequences of what I've done will always rest with me though. As will the damage I've done to my reputation. Especially now that I've decided to air it all out, and leave things bare on this, my final moments as "Leggy".

It's been ten years, but it's time for the persona to die, and for myself to emerge from this, hopefully as a better person. By casting off anonymity, and by casting off the lies and deceit, I'm hoping I can be the person I wanted to be 10 years ago. Now I just finally have the courage to do it, is all.

So this is my final post/update. It's been a hell of a ride, but it's time for me to get off, and go on with my life. I've had a lot of good and bad memories with you all over the past ten years, but it's time. I want to thank you all for having been witness to "Leggy", and for providing me a stage with which to act upon.

There is a long list of people I'd specifically like to thank, but none of them are present any longer. The void will have to do, as the people who most need to see this have long since departed. You know who you are, if you stumble upon this one day, while searching in the old memory banks. If you still want to try to keep in touch, use your brain. My location is never a secret, you just need to know where to look.

Goodbye, and thanks for the fish. I'll see you all on the other side.

~Leggy

When you read this, I'll be all but gone,
Just another memory on the wall.
The picture will fade till it's naught but gray,
But the memory will forever live in color.

There are many things I want to say,
The time is short, but it's what is left.
We make do the best we can,
With our limited fleeting existence.

First, an apology to those I have wronged,
The devil's hands are idle playthings,
And when the devil got bored, he likes to play.
He got bored far too often and you all paid the price.

Second, an apology to those I didn't.
If you weren't worth messing with, I didn't give credit,
And that may be the greatest insult of all,
That you were considered truly irrelevant.

Thirdly, an apology to the heavens,
I spoke your name in vain, and cursed all you are,
And when nothing came to strike me down, I considered myself just.
I didn't respect your significance or meaning.

Fourth, an apology to the person I love,
I haven't been the man I should have been.
Actually, I haven't even been a quarter of that,
And now I am finally paying the price.

Fifth, an apology to the women I didn't love,
You were lied to, and deceived, and brought to your knees,
And I didn't cry for you. It's no consolation,
I only did what'd been done to me, and that was wrong.

Sixth, an apology to my friends.
I say that word loosely, because I don't consider us as such,
Nor should you consider me the same.
We had a lot of fun, but neither of us know who the other is.

Seventh, an apology to my mother,
You have no idea what you brought into this world,
And if I should have my way, you never will,
All the same, I bring dishonor upon your name.

Eighth, an apology to the places I've called homme.
You never were as such, and I never gave you a chance.
I'm constantly searching, roaming, looking for anything at all,
And nowhere is good enough to be where I belong.

Ninth, an apology to the people reading this who haven't fit into any of the above,
You are lost and confused and probably don't get why I say what I do.
You aren't meant to. This is a selfish act of my own volition.
Just sit there and watch as I execute my final apology.

Finally, tenth of all, an apology to myself.
I have ruined your life harder than any of all,
For all I have done and said to others, you are the one hurt most,
You have to live with the damage I've done to your reputation.

The last words are set, the final notes are played,
I've apologized to all, and yet nothing has changed.
A devil and an angel at a crossroads meet this evening,
Both hand in hand, watch the final moments, not knowing what to say.

Finito, the end, sayonara, that's all folks.
Taking a bow at the end of a decade long performance,
It's time to grow up and leave the opera to the kids,
It's been an honor to play for you this fine evening.

The end of the world is met not with doom,
But with applause from all.
The stage has been set, and now it is being torn,
The actors are going home.

The end of the world is not met with tears,
Instead it is met with laughter and joy,
Memories of those who came before,
And a message for those who come after.

The end of the world, is not truly the end,
It's merely a beginning, a book-end transitioned.
New chapters, new stories, new friends to make,
Everything continues, but this book is all spent.

The end of the world is coming,
As we count the hours down.
Will it be one day or two, or three,
No matter the time, the bell tolls.

The end of the world will bring about a new era.
One in which we can be free.
One in which I am free.
One in which I am.

You say you miss who I used to be,
That I'm not who I once was.
That the world has completely changed,
And that it's my perception that's fuzzed.

And yet I see clearly for the first time,
My life is alive and clear.
You want me back at any and all costs,
At the cost of all I hold dear.

You ask me if I feel anything,
Happy, sad, or anything else at all,
It may not appear such as I watch you,
Even as your tears start to fall.

But I assure you I feel a lot,
I'm feeling intense pain, despair, I feel lost,
These emotions of negativity ruminate,
And I can only help but wonder, "at what cost?"

What cost indeed, as I shake and tremble here,
Wondering what will become of me, and where I go,
I'm stuck in a puzzle in my own mindscape,
And the lack of solutions makes my mood just sink so low.

So when this is all done, and I'm back to your normal,
I hope I will remember what it's like to not live in fear,
To not just persist, to do more than exist, and not just subsist,
What it's like to be happy again, and to see things ever so clear.

Can you teach me to fly?
Can you teach me to soar?
So effortlessly flitting about the sky,
Inspiring my heart down to the core.

Can you teach me how to dance?
How to tread the line on the floor?
Can you bring me to new heights,
And away from this crazy worldwide tour?

Can you show me how to love?
Can you show me passion true?
Can you teach me real slow,
So I can be the best man for you?

Can you advise me how to speak?
With strength in every word?
Can you show me what is wrong,
As I try to undo the things I heard?

Can we fly above the clouds,
Can we dance into the night?
Can we laugh, learn, and live as one,
And make love by candlelight?

Can we break this cursed tale?
Can we reach a better end?
Or is this a case of all is wrong,
And falling for something that was pretend?

I ask of you one final thing,
You just have so much to teach.
Can you bring me but your hand,
So warm, full of love, of you I beseech.

A creator's death, tried and true,
Writer's soul all black and blue,
With tears on the pages, staining all to black,
Every word a reminder that they are a talentless hack.

Struggling to find the words to say,
A voice, a choice afforded today,
Where they once floated, frozen in place,
Lay nothing at all, the writer's disgrace.

Without words, he has no soul, no passion, no vigor,
No catalyst to spark the fire, he's missing his trigger,
And without a soul, and his reason for living,
He confides only in self, ever unforgiving.

"I'm ruined, I'm shot, I'm no good at all!"
He screams and he hollers at his bathroom wall.
Pounding his fists until they bleed the brightest red,
He's lost all his purpose, he's left the words unsaid.

That is until he met language true,
His purpose refound, and his quest renewed.
To learn and to observe, to watch and to see,
Of what a writer is, was, and should be.

"Thank you dear spirit, please meet me again!"
He said to the spirit, whom he now called friend.
The spirit didn't speak, didn't nod, didn't know,
But just as soon as they arrived, the sooner they'd go.

And then they just vanished as if they were never there,
But truth be told there was never a more dangerous pair,
A man and his spirit, both tried and true,
The words were all back, and his writing was too.

Circling the gears inside one's brain,
On a warm summer's eve, gone insane,
Nobody could have seen it coming,
Finally, a complete reawakening.
Ending something that seemed timeless,
Shredding up the memories of the past,
Silently hoping the message reaches you,
Inviting lips and words abound,
Obviously, it could only have been you,
Now there will be no other.

Pacman+Mariofan :

Then you must really like all of my stuff, because 95% of what I write are acrostic.

pennylessz :

It would take forever, because a lot of my first thousand posts were... decidedly subpar.

While they account for way less of my word total than my posts over the last 5 or so years, they still exist. I've gone back and read posts from 10 years ago, in advance of my upcoming decade celebration, and it's... painful.

I'm happy with that I've grown, but it's really disappointing just how far I had to grow to be here now.

I've had a lot of "post" and "word" rivals over the years, and none of them remain. Nksor, YourMajestyKen, etc, they've all stopped. All that's left are the guys at the top. David (who I have no intention of ever battling with), geeo (who I also have no intention of further battling with, since I plan on retiring for good soon), and zander (who I've never considered a rival in the first place).

It's been an interesting ride.

Normally I'd post this in Your Forum, but this is a significant accomplishment, so I'm putting this here. Deal.

With this post (actually in just a couple words), I will have hit 2,000,000 words. If that sounds like a lot, it's because it is. And I've accomplished it within 10 years of joining Vizzed.

Some context for those who have been under a rock or are unsure how to keep score:

- David is the only other person to hit 2,000,000 words, and he's the owner.

- I've accomplished this despite an ever slowing crawl in activity dating back to 2014. I'm too lazy to actually look this up, but I hit 1.5 million words in October of 2014. This means I've "only" done 500k words in the last six years. For more context, there are only 25 users who have ever hit 500k words in site history, and I did those 500k during a period of less activity than peak Vizzed.

- According to the internet, there are 1,084,170 words in the Harry Potter series, so I've almost doubled that within the past ten years, and I did it without significantly altering canon!

There's probably more to the accomplishment... but to be honest, I think I've already made my point.

Davideo7 :

Finally made it, even though it took a little longer than expected.

geeogree :

You're next. Don't leave David and I waiting, you hear.

Nobody else gets summons because you didn't do anything.

I wish I could say I was sad about this, because for many years I actually used Google Play Music... but then I got a subscription to Spotify, and that has been about a million times better.

I had music on Google Play Music... but I'm probably not going to bother transferring music, because I only use Spotify for music now.

I haven't posted here in a while... it's not that I haven't wanted to, I just haven't really had anything to say, or at least, nothing that I wanted to say that I wanted others to read.

See, to me, The Dump is great because it allows us a place to leave different thoughts to be saved, ones that aren't meant to be responded to, ones that aren't meant to be seen, but can be seen. And I think that's beautiful.

I started this thread, almost five years to the day. I started it like a week before my 5 year anniversary on Vizzed. Soon, I'm going to be celebrating my 10th year anniversary. It's kind of a scary thought if I'm being entirely honest. Not because Vizzed holds any special place in my life anymore, but because at one point, it did.

I keep wondering if I'm even advancing fast enough. In the past decade, I've made a lot of changes... and I'll go over those more, in depth, in my ten year anniversary post next month. But for now, I want this to be my quiet refuge to gather my thoughts.

I know I've done so much... and yet, I haven't. I'm still the same scared guy I was back in 2010 when I joined the site. The only difference is I grew a sense of pride (which has only really come back to hurt me more). So on top of feeling like I have an inferiority complex, I also have boasted highly of who I am in order to impress people I wanted to impress. Not only has it not impressed them, but it's actually made me feel worse about myself too. In ten years, I still haven't learned how to not properly give a s***.

As I sit here, stewing, and wondering if I'm even going the right direction anymore, one thing is very clear to me. I'm going to hit 2,000,000 words (probably around the same time I finish my 10th year on Vizzed), and then I'm going to probably vanish. I have not made enough progress, and I blame the internet for a lot of this. People I have called friends have either held me back or actively sabotaged me, and all it has brought me is heartache and unhappiness with my life. I was already unhappy with life, but I'm given constant reminders of how happy everyone else is. And that's just not conducive to good mental health for me, as selfish as it sounds.

I see a doctor on Monday. I will hopefully go on medication that could end up saving my life. Because the way things have been the past few months, I may just end up killing myself if I don't get help. I'm a little afraid of taking this medication, because the last time I was on anti-depressants, I nearly killed myself (coincidentally, this is around the time I went full psycho in my first run as a staff member on Vizzed, good times). But it needs to be done, or I definitely won't live to see 30.

A lot of things in my life recently have not gone well. Which is weird. I'm financially successful, I'm taken care of for life, and yet, there's a foreboding sense of dread and unhappiness that hangs over me with everything I do.

It's gotten to the point where people at work have started to notice.

"You aren't acting like yourself today."

"Is something bothering you?"

"If you need to talk, I'm a really good listener."

How ironic. If I'd heard these words from the people I had called my friends, ages ago, then maybe I'd be in a slightly better place. Naturally, I told my coworkers that everything is fine. It was sweet of them to ask, but I can't ever talk about my feelings with them in a professional setting. That was a job for my friends. Those friends failed me.

So yes. It's been 10 years on Vizzed, next month. I'm hoping this next month is great, because at this point, it's looking like it will be the last. Then maybe, everyone can get what they want, and never have to hear from my stupid face again.

Singling out a moment in time,
That's the moment where it all snapped,
Under the pressure of expectation,
Poking holes into a world of contradiction,
Invalidating hopes or inviting fears,
Dreams were only meant for others anyway.

Healing can begin when you shut everything down,
Even the most scarred heart can eventually move on,
Are you there yet?
Return to the beginning and start over again,
Then and only then, may you find peace,
Sending all my best to you and yours.

Adieu, a goodbye in the brightest flames of summer,
Lay beneath a skin of lies,
Leaving behind only a trail of memories in the sky.
If I could have but one wish,
Nothing would have come to a head to begin with,
Every time, I'm the one picking up after myself.
Ending the evening with a solemn adjourn,
Death by fatigue, or death by solitude,
Either way, the result is the same, you die.
Do I have a choice?
Why bother making it?
All in all, it's kind of a s*** deal.
Showered in safety and comfort,
Only I know it's not that simple,
No, it's the same thing as never living at all.
Endless torrent of the things I wish to hide,
Penetrating my thoughts and leaving me stripped bare,
Even now, as I ponder my exit stage right.
Regarding my will, I have nothing to leave behind,
Seasons of memories are all I have.
Opportunity and blessings be upon who is next,
Never again will it be I.

geeogree :

All it took was the board basically dying, and a guy decided to spam the board for like 4 years straight.

Amazing what you can accomplish!

: Sōda!

: Is... is that really you, Daisuke? Or are you an illusion?

: s***sumon ga rikai dekiru ka wakarimasen.

: Say something only Daisuke would know.

: Watashi wa Daisukedesu.

Daisuke then shrugs.

: Ugh... I really need to get more sleep. Good sleep. This isn't good sleep. This sucks.

Everybody sits in silence for a moment, pondering what they should do next, now that they have grown in number. What was once a lonely existence for Ruukan has become festive. What was once one became three, with the addition of Machinegun Axel and Syrenne. Then three became four, with Frank showing up to the party. Then four became five, as Daisuke seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

Daisuke took a swig of imaginary beer, as if on autopilot. He would have loved a beer, but this place has no beer. Food. Drink. Anything.

Your stomachs begin to rumble, as you realize that you haven't eaten in a long time, especially Ruukan.

Or did you imagine it?

Ruukan recounts how long he's been in stasis. He never asked Machinegun Axel or Syrenne what year it was.

: Say, guys, this only came to mind... but what year was it when you left?

Both Machinegun Axel and Syrenne respond at the same time.

: Year 17 AL

: 2020.

Then Daisuke shrugs.

: Zero.

The party was shocked... did Daisuke just speak English?

As they rushed him, he threw his hands up.

: Nandeshou? Watashi wa `zero' kara kite iru to itta!

You don't know much Japanese, but you have more or less figured that the Japanese word for zero is... zero.

You begin to settle down before you realize all of you come from different time periods. Ruukan never told anyone which year he came from, but he knew he came from year 0. He decided to keep this information to himself for now, as he felt it would come in handy later on.

Then everyone's eyes fell to Frank... or where they thought Frank was. The man had been strangely quiet. Like he was kind of quiet before, I guess, but now, he was even more silent. Almost as if he'd disappeared.

Actually, on second look, it appeared he had. Frank was nowhere to be seen.

geeogree :

Right.

I think "Orange Man Bad" too, but I'm not going to vote based on that, because "creepy old white dude" is also bad, and is making a vice president pick based on gender, to play to both the black population and the female population. It's not based in actual politics, it's just being done for a superficial, s***ty reason.

If I'm not going to vote liberal (and I voted liberal last time!) in this election, based on the campaign platform, and I think "Orange Man Bad" is true, then the liberal party is doing something very wrong.

I'm the very type of voter they should be trying to convince to vote for their candidate, because I'm in the middle. But at this stage... I don't even think I'm going to bother voting. I absolutely hate Trump, and I also absolutely hate Biden. I'm not voting third party, because none of those are really legitimate this time around, and even if they were, I'd be throwing my vote away. It's completely disheartening to see that it literally does not matter what I do. I'm honestly surprised more Americans don't suffer from this same nihilistic view point.

zanderlex :

No, Megadimension Neptunia VII is the fourth main-series game. It's also really good, like the three before it. But if you play the older ones, get the "Re:Birth" versions. They are better.

It's the second game in the V sub-series of games in the main-line series of games, though, which may be what you mean.