Plumbers Don't Wear Ties Review by: ender44"The Room" of video gaming
Plumber's Don't Wear Ties, the worst game ever made. I will be doing a review of The Last of Us, (it may take awhile though, I'm not sure if I can do the game the justice it deserves) what I believe to be the best game ever made, so it made sense to show you guys the worst before the best.
Disclaimer: "Hey Ender, the angry video game nerd already talked about this! You lose all credibility!"
Yes, the AVGN talked about this, but
one, that doesn't make it untouchable (please don't mention his video in the comments)
two, the AVGN is a ranter, not a reviewer.
Now, lets get on with the review
Back in the 90's (man, we all so young back then) full motion video, henceforth known as FMV, was a huge new thing. It wasn't like full motion video today, with games like Last of us (I pledge my soul to thee, Last of Us) and Heavy rain having animated cut-scenes that look fantastic. There weren't motion captures back then, or game systems that could handle a decent, animated FMV. So FMV's were literally just scenes shot from camera's, with human-beings. It wasn't bad, but I wasn't a fan of them, even as a kid. FMV systems costed far too much money, and I didn't see them as worth it. Enter, the 3DO. This was yet another system brought in to capitalize on FMV's. The FMV's on the system actually looked pretty good, and it was clear to see that the system could handle some never-before seen things. That is what made the release of this game all the more confusing.
Plumber's don't wear ties was released on December 31, 1994, though it looks like it was released in 1949. And the game was quite quickly met with negative reviews (including this one.....yay) Let's begin.
Gameplay: If you can call it that, I will talk about gameplay. The gameplay consists of pressing, right, left, and, bear with me now, the A button. The only gameplay in this game involves picking what will happen next, that's it. The game really only gives you about 12 choices throughout each play through. And darn it all, that is literally the only gameplay to be found in this entire "Game". Gameplay gets a 1 out of 10.
Graphics: Just awful. It was clear that this system was capable of full-motion video, but this game cheaped out bad, and r
eplaced the FMV's, with still pictures, yeah, seriously. You will be watching power-point slides throughout this game. Not only that, but in what I'm guessing was an attempt to spice things up, this game adds a ton of god-awful filters throughout that game, that make things looks worse. The title screen and the credits look like something I could draw if I were using my feet, and my feet were covered by boxing gloves.
Sound: It makes you want to throw up, I'm not kidding. This sounds like something you would hear in a cheap motel's elevator, and what's worse? The game knows! It recognizes in one scene that the music the "awful"! They recognized how little effort they put, and they sold out that little bit of effort for a cheap joke! The voice acting in this game, is also the worst I have ever heard. There is no emotion, no feeling in any word that comes out of the "voice actors" mouths. It is just ridiculous. Geez, how can things get worse?
Addictivness: Torture me, threaten to throw me off a building, stop The Legend of Zelda series, I don't care, I would not, could not play this game again. I dare say that I wouldn't play it again even if you tickled me. Though, I cut the game some slack, someone, somewhere, may play it again just for some giggles at how bad the game is. I'm sorry if this is sounding unprofessional, but this game saps your sanity!
Story: I'm surprised this game's story wasn't written by Tommy Wiseau, because yes, it is that bad. John is a plumber (who does wear a tie, by the way) who is pressured by his mother to get kids. Blondie (believe me, you wont know her as any other name, but if you insist, her name is Jane) is pressured by her father to get kids, who knows that across town, a woman who he does not know just told her son to have kids. (Pointless fourth-wall breaking go!) Jane goes to a job interview where you are forced to make her boss turn into a creep and ask her to (Kids, please skip the next paragraph)
Strip off her clothes. You can make Jane say yes, and then you are treated to an absolutely disgusting scene, scolded, and the forced to restart.
Or, you can make jane say no, and then you are treated to some pointless scenes, john rescues her, and then they live happily ever after. And the viewer jumps out of a window, at least, that's what I did.
Depth: You can complete this game 100% in 10 minutes. All you need is about three playthroughs, there are 3 options per choice, though you cant use some choices. Though the cut-scenes are pointlessly long, so you will have to sit through those for a while, and I guess that counts a depth.
Difficulty: You can die in this game, you cant lose. All you can do is move the cursor, and s
elect a choice.
And there you go, the worst game in the world. This game was plagued with everything that can make a game suck, was far worse than E.T on the Atari 600, and I curse the very souls that unleashed this demon upon the souls. For the end of this review, I am going to give some fun "facts" about this game.
Playing through it is the preferred form of execution in many countries.
Playing through it can cause heart problems and insanity.
50% of Alcatraz and Arkham Asylum can attribute their insanity to plumbers don't wear ties.
In the next Batman movie, it is revealed that the joker's mental problems were caused by this game
In each Sonic the Hedgehog game, sonic is running fast because he is being chased by an off screen man trying to make him play plumbers don't wear ties.
And there you have it, Plumber's don't wear ties, for the damned, wicked, and unlucky.