So I remember reading this somewhere that explained that nearly every problem in every relationship whether romantic or family or work related can be attributed to a difference in expectations.

I'm blanking on examples of this but it made sense to me when I read it.

People have ideas of what they expect from each other. When those expectations aren't meant it causes frustrations for those people with the expectations. And since everyone has different sets of expectations these expectations will come into conflict with the expectations of others. It is inevitable.

The only way to get around this problem is by making expectations clear to those around you that you interact with.

Anyway, I feel like I'm not quite explaining this right. Thoughts about what I've said....

I hear you loud and clear geeo. I understand what you mean I loved what you said about the 3rd sentence that is on your post. Its like as if you are reading my mind or something. It makes sense if people read it very well and think on it. So don't worry about it.  ^-^

I think I somewhat get what you're saying and I agree with that notion, of course most problems family, friends, partners from whatever can be attributed to expectations. Since you have expectations that they'll be loyal to you, be there for you and in some cases even doing certain things. Everyone has some sort of expectations on people close to them even if they differ from person to person.

A problem I've noticed often comes when different expectations clash as well, one person having higher expectations than the other or not holding yourself to the same standard you hold your friends (that's just things I've observed in some people). People close to you having expectations that clash with each other etc. Basically all stemming from that like you mentioned.

My theory for why we have these expectations would be that since humans are social creatures we like and some extent need people we can rely on with certain things to be healthy emotionally and mentally, some less, some more but all to some extent and I don't think there's anything wrong with being able to do so. When something upsets that stability and security that creates it will of course make people upset.

A good way to remedy this of course to make the expectations you have clear but some things people assume more or less goes without mention which isn't always the case and even when you do make things clear there are always other factors that can affect this even if the core reason for why a person would be upset would be the same

I think this is partially true. While expectations not being met can cause issues in a relationship,I think differences in opinion on matters can also cause friction and problems as well.
I dunno if the way I am wording it makes sense to anyone other than me.

Vanelan : yeah, but you can have differing opinions on issues and still get along pretty well.

I think the difference is opinions are ideas and expectations involve the actions of others which are more in your face. The opinions do influence the expectations though in a lot of ways.

geeogree : Well, that's understandable, but I think it depends on where those differences of opinion lie.
If you know someone has a different opinion, I would hope you wouldn't expect someone to go along with your opinion...the best you can hope for is compromise. Even that isn't guaranteed.
A difference in opinion with something like how children should be raised or where you should live I think can cause just as much tension as actually acting on those opinions.

And the more I write, I can see how you are intertwining opinion and expectation...
The definitions are so similar that its sometimes hard to differentiate between the two...so I guess in a way, I am agreeing with you, although I don't think I was necessarily disagreeing with you...

Vanelan : yeah, I think we agreed the whole time

an opinion on how something should be done generally turns into expectations. It is possible to have an opinion on something that doesn't come with an expectation. I have strong opinions regarding my religious beliefs but I don't expect anyone to follow those rules except myself and the other people who I go to church with. Although I do expect my family to do the things that our religion dictates until they turn 18 and/or move out. I don't really want to get into that though

Still, spousal relationships are always a good example of how different expectations can cause problems. My wife expects certain things of me, most of which she has expressed but many that have gone unspoken. I don't know if my wife has ever verbalized her expectation that I not have sexual relations with another person but I know she expects that because we are married. However, she might expect me to clean the kitchen if she isn't home to do that after dinner is done but because she usually does it maybe I don't think I need to. The unspoken expectation can cause frustration because she was hoping that I would help out in that way but didn't. Just as an example.... I always clean the kitchen when she's not around of course

That's honestly what me and my currnet man of ten years is having problems with geeogree: is that he wants me to do this,( expects) and I in turn want or need him to do such things I desire( or expect). Expectancy very well can be a blessing or a curse, depending on how flexible the significant other is willing to be...

Hmm, that's food for thought alright, too tired to think of a proper response and have words make sense... So...

Frodlex : Edit this in the morning.

But yeah, this makes a good bit of sense.

Frodlex : yeah, I think the point of it all is to ask yourself - are you upset because of what YOU expected out of someone else or have they actually crossed a line that ANYONE would find offensive. If it is YOUR expectation that hasn't been met then it is YOUR problem and not theirs (unless you have communicated that expectation clearly).

It really changes how you view being frustrated by other people. It shows how much of the problem is yours and theirs if you are willing to be honest with yourself about things.

I agree. I think I personally first noticed this a few years back when I was deeply hurt with a close friend but then realized that I was testing them (and all of my friends) and seeing if they passed my little test without ever giving any hint that they were being tested. I expected them to understand what I expected and felt without ever communicating those things to them, and I saw how silly that was of me.

A wise man once told me when I was starting to attend a new church that I should tell my new Pastor what it was that I did (preach, teach, work with kids, play music, whatever) because he was a Pastor, not a mind reader. I feel that applies just as well to any relationship: your friends, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or even employer/employees need to know what you expect (though the employer may not care lol) in order to know what they need to be doing.

Also I would like to add that communication in general is a big issue in most relationships. We often misunderstand what the other person is saying. That's why I think it's a good practice when there is a problem to not only talk to the person the problem is with, but also to repeat back to them what you're understanding them to say.
So for example:
"I'm tired of working all the time"
"So what I'm hearing is you worked too hard and want to go to sleep because you're tired?"
"No dumbalina, I want to stop working so hard"

Boom. Misunderstanding evaded. However, you now have a brand new issue on your hand for calling them dumbalina, but that's another thread for another day.

Eirinn : Personally, I feel like sock-sniffer might be a more sensitive way to insult someone, but perhaps that's just me...

I actually really like this idea. I think one of my biggest problems in relationships is the expectations I set for myself, or expectations I've set based on previous relationships (as if to say 'seen one relationship, seen them all'). I find I often withdraw from a relationship after about a year, because I've been hurt so many times in the past that retreating is habitual.

All that to say, I agree. Expectations have often been the reason for some good friendships ending, however they're usually expectations I set for myself.

Expect nothing but death, my friend.

But you are a good man. I have only this small advice to give you: Never forget that you are a good man and never let nobody tell you otherwise.I am a man of few words but I truly hope this helps.

In my (very) limited experience, I would say that the highest expectations would come from people who "explicitly" go on dates. On my side it was love at first sight, when I was only somehow expecting to find someone (a college group activity in a bar). I think it helped us learning to accept the other and making compromises.

Brigand : Expect taxes, too, besides death.  You're covered that way.

I disagree about expectations being the root of almost all relationships.

I'm going with "Lack of Communication" and you can take that any way you want.

If I have expectations and my partner has a different set of expectations, communicating our wants and needs takes all the guesswork out of the relationship.  If you can explain clearly and articulately, what you want, you'll have a much better time being with someone else.  You can also have different expectations and things go well because you and your significant other find the middle ground, respect the differences and still find a way to have a good time.

Communication, communication, communication.  If you have that done to where you're both sharing, the rest of it is gravy.

I've always found it difficult to change my expectations.  I can certainly change the way I react to certain things but beneath all of my reasoning and objectivity lies a slew of selfish and unrealistic expectations.  I try and tell myself that these things don't make sense, and are impossibly unfair, but at the end of the day when I've exhausted all of my mental self-control I'm left with nothing but doubt and disappointment.  

UndeadKain: It depends on what these expectations are. If you want a "customizable" partner who exactly fits your fantasies, then yes it is unrealistic. But if, like me, you are looking for an honest person who will care and love you and not suck out the life out of you, then I call I common sense"

Ghostbear1111 : expectations, unless it is love at first sight, are what start a relationship. Communication is the maintenance phase of a relationship, and it is never-ending.

The real problem with a lot of people in relationships is that they have perceived expectations on the way that a relationship should work, etc without any regard or adjustments being made for the personality of the person you are dating. Keeping an open mind and being open to trying new things or trying a different approach for things will not only help you in the long run, you may realize that your life is happier that way.

Often another issue that people get into is that many (especially women) say, well I like part of the way this person is, but I really can't stand parts about them...but I CAN CHANGE THEM....lol famous last words.

I do agree though that communication and trust are the most important things in a relationship.

The problem is people,on the whole,do not believe in complete transparency. Everyone has a pre-determined list in their head on what things should be like. I mean,unless they have a build-a-person shop where you can make your perfect person,they do not exist. The biggest mistake is that people are not honest and communicative on what their expectations are. I know it sounds shallow and picky,but that might save a few people.

Why can't divorce be like this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQ5TsoDDky4