I've been with this girl for almost 2 years and before I had developed a relationship with her she had two children. I consider myself their dad and they regard me as dad as well since they were both young when I came and neither of the fathers wanted anything to do with them. But recently me and their mom haven't been getting along so we have separated but I still visit the children because I'm the only one they know as a dad. The mom is having troubles with being able to let me see them and us being separated. She wants us to be together but when we are I get a lot of emotional abuse from her. I don't want her to cut me off from the kids but at the same time I don't want to endure the abuse. Any tips or suggestions would be helpful. Thanks for reading.   

Geez, man, this sounds kind of serious. I should mention that I'm in no ways an expert on relationships, and that this is just my opinion. I hope it helps.

   I suppose I would recommend some kind of couples therapy. That way you both have acknowledged that there is a problem, and that this is a step toward trying to fix it. That's a much larger step than people tend to admit. However, those sessions can tend to get expensive, and then the added cost of hiring a babysitter, if you don't have any friends or relatives to help out.

   If that's not an option within your budget, maybe have a serious sit down. And detail all the major things that need to be fixed. Make a list, but don't nit-pick, as that could lead to more trouble. Try to make compromises, or try to raise your tolerances to certain things that your partner might do. I realize that being more tolerant isn't a fix, but it's a temporary fix, and the main issue can addressed at a later date, when things aren't as volatile.

   I wish you luck with this, because I would hate it if the kids suffered because of problems with the parents. And hopefully the problems aren't financial, that always sucks when parents argue, not because they dislike each other, but because of money.

   I hope that helps. I wish you luck, man.

yimno : That's rough. From a legal standpoint you have absolutely no right to see those kids whatsoever. If she chooses to cut you off there is nothing you can do about it and anything that you do try would probably be considered harassment.

How much have you talked about how she treats you? Is she aware of how she treats you or how you feel when she does certain things? At this point that is likely your only real tactic. You need to get her to see your side of things. She doesn't have to agree with you but she at least needs to acknowledge that she does things that are hurtful.

Hopefully you find a way to fix things so you can have a relationship with her and the kids. Situations like this are tricky.

Unfortunately, unless you had some kind of legal agreement (signed before a representative of government) there is not much you can do. She is their biological mother and therefore her "rights" trump yours. You could try to "sneak around" by using social media and maybe setting up meetings in public places. Otherwise your options will be limited.

Well, it's good that she allows you to be in the kids' lives. 

I would sit down with her, and let her know how you feel about the kids, and that the way she treats you is making it hard for you to be there for them. What is more important, it's not a good examples to the kids. Does she want her children growing up seeing their mom and "dad" being abusive to each other? No. Make her see that. 

In the end though... I think you should prepare for the fact that she may eventually meet someone else, and you may be pushed in the background and loose that connection you have with her children. 

        Yinmo,

     First off, someone suggested you sneak around to meet with the kids; not to offend the person who suggested it but DO NOT
  DO THAT.  If she found out that could instantly destroy everything your trying to do as well as give her immediate cause to
  get some kind of restraining order or something of that nature.  Second the other posters suggested you explain to her how you
  feel.  That is your best move.  Apparently you really care for these kids and if they do consider you their father, losing you will
  hurt them.

       You need to first sit down at home and make a list, either for real or in your head.  List all of the reasons  why you want
  to be with her.  Most important, do you love her?  If not your not doing either you, her or the children any good.  If you don't love and don't think you ever will forcing the relationship will only end badly, trust me I have experience in trying to hold a collapsing relationship together, you will end up causing one or all of you more pain.  If you do love her than you need to examine the emotional abuse.  Is it extreme and constant or does it's intensity and timing vary?  If it is either extreme or constant or both than it is highly possible that this is who she is and there is very little you can do to change this behavior, quickly at least. If it comes and goes and is often different in it's intensity or seems to happen randomly than it is possible something else is  causing her to act out.  You need to examine her behavior from all angles to try and understand why it is happening.  If you love her and want to work it out then after you have examined her behavior approach her gently,  tell her
how much you love her and carefully and fully explain the problem to her, being sure to listen to what she says.  If she becomes angry ask her to please  listen to what you have to say and then comment. 

     If you don't love her or for whatever reason you decide that you can't be together then your only real play is to tell her, in no
  uncertain terms how much you love the kids, how much they mean to you and why you want to continue the relationship with
  them. Make sure you explain that if she doesn't allow you to see them she is not punishing you but is punishing them.  Tell
  her you are open to spend whatever time she allows with them, one day a week, weekends, whatever and if she agrees to this
  be there, for them, on time and always.

     Finally if after everything she still refuses to let you see them than respect that.  They are her kids after all.  Give her time to
  calm done and see the situation rationally.  Then a few months or so down the line try to get time with the kids then.  Don't
  give up on them and keep trying.  Never be aggressive, rude or angry when talking with her about visitation.  Be calm but
  serious, let her know that you are serious about your relationship with the kids but also that you respect your decision. 
  Remember you have no legal right to any relationship with these children, anything you get is all decided by her and her
  alone.

     I wish you good luck and feel I should say I am not a professional of any sort just a parent and someone who has dealt with
   an ending relationship involving kids.  Hope it works out for the best.

                                                                                                                           -Ronnie

yimno : Here's the trouble: You're with a woman who's had children with two different guys and she gives you emotional abuse even though you're trying to participate in her kids' lives.

That means she doesn't value relationships in the same way you do.

I would encourage, if it's possible, to separate yourself from her physically and emotionally, but find a way to play with her kids and take them where it's just the three of you and the mom is not in the picture.  If that's possible, you should be able to continue your relationship with them and let them know you love them and support them and you don't have to take the abuse from mom.

Anytime there's abuse, I recommend running and leaving immediately.  The kids foul that up.  If you being with them gives them the best chance at living happy lives, stay with them however possible.

Good luck.

That's a tough situation. Seems that she is using the kids to have you in her life as if not giving you a choice. Sad that she would keep you from being in their lives specially since their biological fathers are not in the picture. I don't think that speaks highly of her as a mother and the fact that she abuses you emotionally also sets a bad example for the children. As others have mentioned, you really don't have rights so she gets to use that against you. I would suggest not trying to sneak around at all as it could land you in jail or restrained from them. Is there any family member that could help you see them without her interfering? Maybe staying away from some time and let her figure herself out and try to reach out then to see if she will allow to see the kids. I hope all works out for you!!