User Notice Forum Links
tell me what you think about this part of a book called "Battle Ground:America"
this is just a rough copy of it and the final will be more than the demo here.
this is just a rough copy of it and the final will be more than the demo here.
Related Threads
Coming Soon
Thread Information
Thread Actions
Thread Closed
New Thread
New Poll
Order
tell me what you think about this part of a book called "Battle Ground:America"
06-22-13 05:49 PM
destin13 is Offline
| ID: 822980 | 1201 Words
destin13 is Offline
| ID: 822980 | 1201 Words
destin13
Level: 11
POSTS: 16/17
POST EXP: 2425
LVL EXP: 4789
CP: 3304.1
VIZ: 117773
POSTS: 16/17
POST EXP: 2425
LVL EXP: 4789
CP: 3304.1
VIZ: 117773
Likes: 0 Dislikes: 0
This part is three days after an invasion of the U.S by North Korea, Russia, and Nazis from the Artic. Jack Danielson a meat packer awakes in a bombed out house in Las Vegas to see the world has changed. The invasion started with a nuke to D.C and a full scale invasion but the Nazis get in with revenge boiling and new technology ready for a war. Nazis hid in the Artic during World War 2 so they could continue their experiments. The year is 2014 winter. Today I awoke to the sound of AK fire and the blood curling booms of bombs. My hard bed sat in the middle of a small room about six feet by ten feet. Little light burned through the curtains to my right where the bed sat against the wall. I crawled out, placed my feet on the ripped, brown carpet, then I stood grabbing the tan military backpack from the ground against the wall next to the bed. I knelt down and pulled the M-4 from below the bed. The black gun felt lighter then when I pulled it from the dead soldier back at the mall. With the gun in my hand I swung the bag over my should then around my neck. I walked to the blue metal door and opened it with a creek. I walked out to the living room then to the front door but the door was gone so I could see the flood of destruction filling the suburban streets. The cold winter air smashed into my face as I stepped out to the snowy ground then the smell of gunpowder and burning bodies hit my nose. It's been three days since I could sleep well and have no fear of being killed but I had to live through this because Area 51 was just in the center of Nevada so I could put those rumors in their place and that was worth fighting for. With each step I took in the snow my boots crunched over ice, blood, and debris from the buildings on each side of the street. It seemed the gun fire and plane engine sounds were never ending but I became used to it so it didn't bother me as much as it did before. Humvee jeeps blocked the roads along with other civilian cars and trucks so driving a car was out for me and plus the Nazis will hit anything that moves because they had U.F.O type planes that hovered high in the air. I stopped at a cross road and looked down all the possible ways to my position then a man screamed from a house that was to my left. I stopped and said to myself, "Can't take anyone must move alone." in a quiet voice. "Bang bang" shots rang out along with laughing and Russian speech. I jumped to the wall on my left then crouched down so they couldn't see me because the rock wall was broken at about three feet. I peered around and saw a Russian troop walking to young girl, he was in full body gear with a mask covering his face along with sunglasses. He crouched with his AK-74 pointed at the ground, the girl was crying, her white dress stained with blood. They were about fifty feet away from the wall I hid behind but I could see every detail in the two Russian outfits and bodies that were lifeless against a flipped car. I aimed down my M-4's iron sights, steadied, then fired at the man standing by the car not girl. Five gold shells came from the gun and sparked holes indented the blue car but the man with blood gushing from his chest and stomach fell back against the car now red with his blood stopped moving but was still breathing. The man with the girl stood and looked around, I fired to his face and with the burst of blood, light. and bone he hit the ground with a split face like were the nose ends toward your mouth. I walked quickly to the girl, she was sitting down now covering her ears and closing her eyes." Hey you have to go this is not a safe place for you." I said kneeling down beside her." Go go now little girl NOW!" I got her to stand and run to the way that I came from. Where would she go I mean the place is under occupation and they'll kill anyone that runs. A loud ear ringing rumble shook the houses and ground. I ducked against a metal box that was empty. The man I shot sat with his back to the car breathing quick and hard then he looked at me with his whole head and screamed as loud as he could."Shut up." I said to him as the environment shook. He stopped breathing hard and pulled a handgun out then aimed it at me. The distance between him and I was at least five to my left but upwards. He dropped the gun and stopped moving, the blood from his wounds circled around the snowy ground. The shaking stopped and then I peered over the gray box. A massive tank about fifty feet high( with out the turret) and a hundred feet long sat sideways one hundred yards away with two anti-air guns on each side of the tank( four in total)The tank turret had two thirty feet long barrels on a thirty foot tall turret. At the middle of the tanks front a 25 foot barrel protruded out. The desert camo color tank had Nazi markings and the turret was aimed at a hill behind me about seven-hundred yards out. The snowy hill had tanks driving down it then an A-10 tank buster rocketed by shooting a gatlin gun that kick snow up as the bullets hit in the middle of the street. The back AA guns aimed up to the sky and the A-10 turned to make another pass but the sound of about ten A-10's firing at the same time came from the AA cannons. About ninety tracer rounds shot from the cannons following the A-10 then a burst of flames and a wing blurred past the A-10. It spun out of control to the ground. I turned back to the tank and then the loudest sound I've ever heard came from the barrel. It was like a bomb going off but twice as loud. I looked back to the hill then the shock wave hit me but it was not as strong as the bomb shock waves I felt days ago at the start of this war. My ears rang and the hill was basically gone, everything on it tossed away and the hill was indented down with flames and metal scattered through out the snow. The tank sped forward rocking the buildings and kicking the ground up. I stood in horror at the sight of what just happened, shocked I walked to the middle of the road and headed to the spot that tank was at.... This is the end of the demo now tell me what you think about it. Today I awoke to the sound of AK fire and the blood curling booms of bombs. My hard bed sat in the middle of a small room about six feet by ten feet. Little light burned through the curtains to my right where the bed sat against the wall. I crawled out, placed my feet on the ripped, brown carpet, then I stood grabbing the tan military backpack from the ground against the wall next to the bed. I knelt down and pulled the M-4 from below the bed. The black gun felt lighter then when I pulled it from the dead soldier back at the mall. With the gun in my hand I swung the bag over my should then around my neck. I walked to the blue metal door and opened it with a creek. I walked out to the living room then to the front door but the door was gone so I could see the flood of destruction filling the suburban streets. The cold winter air smashed into my face as I stepped out to the snowy ground then the smell of gunpowder and burning bodies hit my nose. It's been three days since I could sleep well and have no fear of being killed but I had to live through this because Area 51 was just in the center of Nevada so I could put those rumors in their place and that was worth fighting for. With each step I took in the snow my boots crunched over ice, blood, and debris from the buildings on each side of the street. It seemed the gun fire and plane engine sounds were never ending but I became used to it so it didn't bother me as much as it did before. Humvee jeeps blocked the roads along with other civilian cars and trucks so driving a car was out for me and plus the Nazis will hit anything that moves because they had U.F.O type planes that hovered high in the air. I stopped at a cross road and looked down all the possible ways to my position then a man screamed from a house that was to my left. I stopped and said to myself, "Can't take anyone must move alone." in a quiet voice. "Bang bang" shots rang out along with laughing and Russian speech. I jumped to the wall on my left then crouched down so they couldn't see me because the rock wall was broken at about three feet. I peered around and saw a Russian troop walking to young girl, he was in full body gear with a mask covering his face along with sunglasses. He crouched with his AK-74 pointed at the ground, the girl was crying, her white dress stained with blood. They were about fifty feet away from the wall I hid behind but I could see every detail in the two Russian outfits and bodies that were lifeless against a flipped car. I aimed down my M-4's iron sights, steadied, then fired at the man standing by the car not girl. Five gold shells came from the gun and sparked holes indented the blue car but the man with blood gushing from his chest and stomach fell back against the car now red with his blood stopped moving but was still breathing. The man with the girl stood and looked around, I fired to his face and with the burst of blood, light. and bone he hit the ground with a split face like were the nose ends toward your mouth. I walked quickly to the girl, she was sitting down now covering her ears and closing her eyes." Hey you have to go this is not a safe place for you." I said kneeling down beside her." Go go now little girl NOW!" I got her to stand and run to the way that I came from. Where would she go I mean the place is under occupation and they'll kill anyone that runs. A loud ear ringing rumble shook the houses and ground. I ducked against a metal box that was empty. The man I shot sat with his back to the car breathing quick and hard then he looked at me with his whole head and screamed as loud as he could."Shut up." I said to him as the environment shook. He stopped breathing hard and pulled a handgun out then aimed it at me. The distance between him and I was at least five to my left but upwards. He dropped the gun and stopped moving, the blood from his wounds circled around the snowy ground. The shaking stopped and then I peered over the gray box. A massive tank about fifty feet high( with out the turret) and a hundred feet long sat sideways one hundred yards away with two anti-air guns on each side of the tank( four in total)The tank turret had two thirty feet long barrels on a thirty foot tall turret. At the middle of the tanks front a 25 foot barrel protruded out. The desert camo color tank had Nazi markings and the turret was aimed at a hill behind me about seven-hundred yards out. The snowy hill had tanks driving down it then an A-10 tank buster rocketed by shooting a gatlin gun that kick snow up as the bullets hit in the middle of the street. The back AA guns aimed up to the sky and the A-10 turned to make another pass but the sound of about ten A-10's firing at the same time came from the AA cannons. About ninety tracer rounds shot from the cannons following the A-10 then a burst of flames and a wing blurred past the A-10. It spun out of control to the ground. I turned back to the tank and then the loudest sound I've ever heard came from the barrel. It was like a bomb going off but twice as loud. I looked back to the hill then the shock wave hit me but it was not as strong as the bomb shock waves I felt days ago at the start of this war. My ears rang and the hill was basically gone, everything on it tossed away and the hill was indented down with flames and metal scattered through out the snow. The tank sped forward rocking the buildings and kicking the ground up. I stood in horror at the sight of what just happened, shocked I walked to the middle of the road and headed to the spot that tank was at.... This is the end of the demo now tell me what you think about it. |
Member
Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'
Registered: 07-13-11
Last Post: 3958 days
Last Active: 1480 days
Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'
Registered: 07-13-11
Last Post: 3958 days
Last Active: 1480 days
06-23-13 07:45 PM
AlexNightwalker is Offline
| ID: 823776 | 271 Words
| ID: 823776 | 271 Words
Level: 21
POSTS: 28/77
POST EXP: 21192
LVL EXP: 42580
CP: 83.0
VIZ: 5172
POSTS: 28/77
POST EXP: 21192
LVL EXP: 42580
CP: 83.0
VIZ: 5172
Likes: 0 Dislikes: 0
destin13 : Okay, please do not be upset, but I did not read even halfway through. There are some reasons for this. Grammar: Right off the get-go, I found several grammar errors. I.e. "Should" should be "Shoulder." To get a good critique, reread it at least once, and then spellcheck before you post. You would not believe how many errors I find rereading my own writings. Sentence Structure/Punctuation: I am finding a lot of run-on sentences here. If you need help with knowing where and when to place a comma, I can help you. On the bright side, I like how you are being descr Paragraph Structure: This is a huge one. I find that when too many paragraphs are mashed together, I feel queasy when trying to read it through. But do not despair, this can be fixed very easily. You only need to know when to break for a new paragraph. (Indentation is not such a bad thing either, but you honestly don't have to do it.) Again, if you are having difficulty with this, I can help.  I would love to read it all the way through, because the beginning catches my attention. That is great, because if you can pull off catching the reader's attention at the beginning of your story, then they are usually hooked all the way through. I do hope you do not take this too harshly, as I am only trying to help. Grammar: Right off the get-go, I found several grammar errors. I.e. "Should" should be "Shoulder." To get a good critique, reread it at least once, and then spellcheck before you post. You would not believe how many errors I find rereading my own writings. Sentence Structure/Punctuation: I am finding a lot of run-on sentences here. If you need help with knowing where and when to place a comma, I can help you. On the bright side, I like how you are being descr Paragraph Structure: This is a huge one. I find that when too many paragraphs are mashed together, I feel queasy when trying to read it through. But do not despair, this can be fixed very easily. You only need to know when to break for a new paragraph. (Indentation is not such a bad thing either, but you honestly don't have to do it.) Again, if you are having difficulty with this, I can help. I would love to read it all the way through, because the beginning catches my attention. That is great, because if you can pull off catching the reader's attention at the beginning of your story, then they are usually hooked all the way through. I do hope you do not take this too harshly, as I am only trying to help. |
Member
Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'
Registered: 06-10-13
Location: United States
Last Post: 3752 days
Last Active: 3475 days
Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'
Registered: 06-10-13
Location: United States
Last Post: 3752 days
Last Active: 3475 days
06-24-13 02:07 AM
destin13 is Offline
| ID: 823968 | 79 Words
destin13 is Offline
| ID: 823968 | 79 Words
destin13
Level: 11
POSTS: 17/17
POST EXP: 2425
LVL EXP: 4789
CP: 3304.1
VIZ: 117773
POSTS: 17/17
POST EXP: 2425
LVL EXP: 4789
CP: 3304.1
VIZ: 117773
Likes: 0 Dislikes: 0
AlexNightwalker : Thanks and yes I forget about paragraphs like after I sent the demo I remembered but that was a little late. My pc is old so spell check sucks and so dose the buttons like you have to hit them with more force that others. But this was to be a rough copy basically for the idea and really nothing else. I'll keep you in mind if I need help which I more than likely will. Until then. |
Member
Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'
Registered: 07-13-11
Last Post: 3958 days
Last Active: 1480 days
Affected by 'Laziness Syndrome'
Registered: 07-13-11
Last Post: 3958 days
Last Active: 1480 days
Links
Page Comments
This page has no comments
