BACKGROUND:

I was prompted to go out with one of my friends who I've been talking to for 2 months, and knowing her, she's had extreme family issues, cuts herself, and considers joining cults/gangs frequently.

We're good friends, but it's not meant to be.

She said "Yeah, we talk all the time, you're my bro" and that's where the brother reference derives from.

It's delicate, and hard to write up a way of saying no to somebody who's brother threatened to beat me up if I hurt her.

This note has already been sent. So, yeah.

"Hi, I'm really sorry. I am just not in the mood for this kinda thing right now. At first I was really happy that we were gonna go out, but then I felt that we weren't meant to date each other.
Please don't get mad, I really like you. Really do, just that I'm not really in any sort of shape to handle this responsibility.
This is subject to change, because thoughts change.
Please don't start hurting yourself again
It's not good for you or anybody that cares for you
I care for you.
Don't get mad
Live, Fight, Stay Strong, and Follow your Senses. Stay away from gangs and drugs.
Your Big Brother."

it's alright... not the best that I think you could do but I don't know if it will matter much if she is as unstable as you say she is.

I think that letter was well written, sincere, and respectful. I understand you both care about each other, but she's obviously "lost" and needs to be found.

Hopefully she understands, and if not then it definitely wasn't meant to be. She should seek therapy...

geeogree : She perceives me as an honest person, I stay honest. I'm not gonna go my mom's way and say "I'm grounded, go away".

YourMajestyKen : I hope so, and she might take it too hard.

Even though we went out for 4 hours.

I'm not suggesting you be dishonest.... but I feel like you could have said a little more about how you aren't ready or something.... make it more about you than about her if possible.

geeogree : I agree it could've been a bit more about me, but I just didn't know exactly how to nicely do this anyways, so, yeah.

alexanyways : Maybe she needs to hear that coming from you as a "wake up" call or something. Hopefully she changes her ways and realizes how her actions are negatively impacting her life in so many ways (I would imagine.)

By the way, why won't you tell her in person?

YourMajestyKen : I haven't a phone number nor address. I don't know how to find her, and I needed to get it out of my head so I could sleep in peace tonight.

She's talking to me now, I actually haven't seen anybody more pissed off than now.

at least she's talking and not knocking down your door attacking you?!?

or, is it building towards that?

geeogree : I've managed to calm her down, she logged off to cut herself.

alexanyways : and that is her choice.... you're not responsible for the choices she makes. I think the cutting thing is just a way to manipulate people into doing what she wants them to do.... don't give in.

geeogree : Exactly. I just tell her 'it's bad' and leave her alone. It's only seeking attention.

yeah, if people stop letting her use the threat of cutting herself as an attention seeking device she has 2 options.... actually cut herself (seriously) and prove everyone wrong.... or stop and find something new to use.

Or, grow up and stop trying to manipulate everyone around her to do what she wants all the time.

Cutting isn't always to manipulate others you know.

Not the brightest point of my life, but I was a cutter. I didn't care about the attention, I did it because I felt numb and it was a sensation and a vent to my frustrations. When I was really upset, I would cut to distract myself from the pain. I felt like s*** when my friends would get upset over it, because I knew they were right and that it was bad, but I couldn't help it. Then one day I was super upset... I reached for the knife and I just stopped because I realized that all it did was make the situation worse and the emotional pain would still be there once the physical had faded, and it made the emotional pain worse because it upset people. I haven't cut myself since, and that was eight years ago. Most of the scars have faded, and from the 100+ only 28 are easily visible.

She will come around... teenage cutters usually do once they hit college age. It wouldn't hurt if you told her that it bothered you, and that it really only makes it worse.

Your letter on the surface is good... but to an emotionally unbalanced girl a letter is never good enough. You don't really say anything other than "I don't want to deal with you, don't hurt yourself to make me feel guilty"... so of course she is gonna go cut, because she is angry and hurt. She might think it will bring you back, or she might be doing it out of spite. It would be hopeful to think she might have my epiphany but I doubt it if she is that emotional.

Honestly, I think that if you can find a way to  talk to her in person, do it. That way she can actually hear your sincerity and see your expressions. Actually tell her WHY you think you are not ready... I would assume it is that you don't want to have the responsibility of hurting her and having her actually go into a cult or cutting herself to deep, or something... it is gonna hurt you as well and you are afraid. I don't blame you. But you need to talk to her.

geeogree :

I wish I had listened to that months ago. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, I'm a bit late to this party, but I think it was handled about as well as you could hope. You are young still, so it's more appropriate than an older couple's breakup.

Plus, she sounded unstable... best to get out of those while you can. >.>

geeogree : No, there are scars, I've seen some of them for the 3 times we've seen each other, there's 36 of them, last time she counted.


Anyways, she deleted her facebook account, and now is very happy, and is starting to text me.

Well at least she's happy  and hopefully she won't hurt herself again.

Ah, the mood swings of teenagers. Be on your guard, alex, who knows when she will shift back.

alexanyways : I'm not suggesting she doesn't actually cut herself but that it's very possible she uses it to manipulate people into doing what she wants.

Elara : fair enough. I understand that some people do it for other reasons but if the first response he expects from her is "I'm going to go cut myself" then it leads me to believe that she uses the threat of cutting herself (and the action) in order to manipulate the people around her.