I'd say right now I'm just okay I have several things I'm trying to take care of and of course, it doesn't ever seem to go simple which is really annoying but even with that stuff going on I can't help but feel carefree almost too much anymore I think like I'm either carefree or super stressed trying to deal with something I don't feel like I have a happy medium anymore at least not lately. In terms of being healthy I have completely recovered I believe at least from being sick at the start of the month so I feel a lot better in that regard at the very least.

Depressed. Not too much, which I'm thankful for, but still depressed.

I'm absolutely blocked about my future, both in short and long term. I'm essentially a prisoner awaiting his chance of freedom, a chance that destiny refuses to give me. I have nothing to cling onto, and I see no hope ahead to keep enduring life.

I've spent all day feeling uneasy, and for the last couple hours I've indulged into loud heavy music in an attempt to get everything out of me. I'm waiting to see if my parents call for our scheduled dinner, otherwise I'll go out on my own and give myself a treat because I refuse to stay home on a day like this.

I have an appointment next week with my psychologist, and of course this will be the subject to talk about. Next week I should be feeling better, as I have plans to meet my friends and of course there's my birthday, first time at my own home and something special needs to be done, even if it's just heavy drinking.

If anyone reading this gets alarmed by my words, I'm in no critical state. I just feel I'm wandering around aimlessly, and I've felt like that for 90% of my life so I'm obviously so done with it. I need a change, and I don't neglect professional help or even additional medication.

i'm ok i had the stomach cramps last week but my dad took care of that he's a doctor, my moms a nurse and my step moms a nurse to, yesterday me and my dad got the flue shot.

I'd say I'm currently somewhere in the range towards okay tensions are getting pretty high at home lately as today my grandpa was going off on my brother swearing at him cause he's disrespectful but it's one of the only times I've heard my grandpa swear since I was around 5 years old so that always stresses me out hearing someone who normally don't swear and then my own past also makes me stress whenever I hear people yelling and I wonder if he's going to be pissed at me like that when I tell him I don't plan on helping on his stupid kitchen project that doesn't need done and I don't believe he's healthy enough to do anymore so a ton of the workload would be pushed onto me and I feel like it'd lead to at least one of us seriously hurting ourselves since he has these grand plans but fails to realize he's getting pretty close to 70 years old and currently has a broken wrist and broke part of his neck. I've wanted to tell him for a year I'm not going to do it but the whole time grandma has been like oh no don't tell him which I feel like is gonna piss him off more but I'm not doing a job where I feel like my health is at risk if I do it.

I feel like at this point I need out of this household so hopefully, I can manage that somehow soon but at the moment I just don't know.

Simply put, heartbroken. The steep downhill of my life that started in May has now reached its deepest point.

I had a medical test this morning to check how my medication was working. I was positive about it, because I wasn't feeling side effects nor was I losing weight or appetite. However, the test was more than clear: I am much worse now than four months ago, and therefore, this medication doesn't work in the slightest.

Another rock in the road, you would say, but this time it's a boulder the size of a meteorite. Now I've tried all three possible medications to combat my disease, and the only one that seemed to work in the past is the one that does create side effects and overall lessens the quality of my life.

Do I have another choice? Well, there's surgery. I don't have specific details about it, but we can all agree that the quality of my life will be negatively affected too. What this means is that, whatever choice I pick, I won't be as free or feel as strong as I've been feeling the last year and a half, because that freedom and power came at the price of destroying my body from the inside.

Next week I'll have the verdict on which path will I choose next. Of course, none of them is of my liking, and it's the icing on the cake after everything I've had to endure during this tough and ungrateful year.

At a time where I needed to be motivated for the challenges ahead, the universe determines I shall be punished even further. At a time where I need extra fuel to keep living, the universe sends me a major shortage. And just when I was starting to enjoy life, I get the news that I'll be deprived of most of it.

I don't even know if next week I'll tell my doctor to just let me live until my disease kills me instead of prolonging my life by doing small sacrifices every so often. Maybe that'd be the best option.

I'm about to take a big step in life which I am a bit nervous about, but if all goes well it should be a very positive change.
Honestly I feel guilty that I feel as bad as I do. My life isn't bad at all, yet for quite a few years now I've felt extremely low and it only gets worse with each day.
It's a very strange feeling to come back to this site after all these years, checking up on old friends only to find they are in a similar position or worse. Skimming through this thread even, it seems a lot of vizzed users feel the same way. Things seemed a lot happier 10 years ago, but I suppose that's just what growing up is.

EX Palen : I can only begin to imagine how difficult of a decision you're being forced to make. Life can be extremely cruel at times. We've never spoken but if it means anything, please keep pushing on through. There are so many people who love you I am sure, and if you're at a point without many people in your life right now you would do so much good in sharing your friendship with them. I'm sorry if this comes off as tone deaf as I don't know the details of your condition, but please take it into consideration when you speak to your doctor very soon.
I wish you all the best.

drago : I truly appreciate the kind words. I was on a very low point when I made that post, but I'm feeling much better now.

I contacted again with an old acquaintance of mine who has extensive expertise on the disease we both suffer, and he lessened the weight on my shoulders a lot. I now have a much better understanding of my situation and the path ahead, and even though I still don't like where this is heading, I'll have to cope with it somehow.

About the part of so many people who love me... I've been betrayed by 90% of the people that have been part of my life at any given point, including family, so I've stopped worrying about the people I could leave behind. I do have hopes in certain individuals of my environment (and likewise an immense panic they also fail me) so I guess I'll cling onto that and keep trying to search as I keep fighting ahead.

Been well the past two weeks. Looked at the mirror on the wall and asked who’s the best looking of them all. The mirror said “who are you conceited ****” then there was a russle tussle.

Seriously though my hair is long enough to look like a Native American, looking at the mirror just amazed at how gorgeous I am then I remember that my ex blocked me on everything and I just sit in the corner and cry.

Been lazy with fifa and warzone 2.0 atm and currently talking to someone but she’s a bit… overdramatic and it overwhelms me at times. She’s cute tho so I’ll deal with the drama and manipulation

I have been HORRIBLE. Ever since two days before Thanksgiving all the way up until now, I have had a bunch of different injuries. First I had Covid. It wasn't bad and I didn't even know I had it because I was stuck in the rain for a few hours and started sneezing like once an hour the next day so I thought it was nothing. But then on the Monday after Thanksgiving, I yawned weirdly and dislocated my jaw. That too wasn't bad but it was uncomfortable to eat, smile, or laugh.

As that started to heal, the two teeth that are getting fillings in January started acting up. Because I was having two different issues with my jaw and teeth at the same time, I was given antibiotics and the first time I took them I ended up throwing up a lot. I didn't know it at the time, but the issue with the antibiotics and throwing up ended up irritating my stomach and created yet another issue.

It was four minor but uncomfortable issues that led one into another like a weird chain over the course of three weeks.

so yesterday i had a nightmare about a dog gonna be shot when that person had a gun point it at the dog i felt it was my duty to protect that dog. first time i had a nightmare i was crying so i told my parents about it and when my dad put peanut on my lap i calmed down a little bit from my sadness.

I had a very strange dream last night, so a older coworker I have at my job is the sweetest little lady ever. Her primary language is spanish and she knows very little english, we talk usually together in each other's language broken of course we're both learning haha.

So in my dream for some reason she was speaking perfect english to me but in a complete different voice from her normal one, and I could speak perfect spanish but also in a different voice. Not only that but she brought me a trash bag filled with mixers, and mini dimes.

To be honest I'm anxious about returning to work and not in a good way, I work far from home, and I might be stuck here for awhile, I could stay home all Winter if I could, because I have no patience for Transit at this time of year

so i was sick yesterday, but today i'm all better, i guess i needed rest.

I'm feeling quite okay, even though I come from just 100 minutes of sleep in the last 34 hours.

NYE brought a nice party at home, and I managed to survive way more than 24 hours without any sleep, nor feeling destroyed. I did feel at times like I could fall asleep on the spot, but it didn't go beyond that. Things went very differently once I had lunch and stuffed a bit my stomach

It's a great start to the year, seeing my body being able to withstand something I didn't know I could handle. Of course, mindset also plays a role and I think I also have the correct one right now and all the pieces were put together for me to resist such an endeavor.

Speaking of resilience, I feel a lot better on that aspect too. I went to a party on Tuesday, and despite giving it my all I didn't feel as exhausted nor did my body feel torn like in past events. I'm honestly surprised by the amount of resilience I'm amassing in all aspects, and I'm hopeful I can keep this level of resilience for a while because the quality of life it gives me is amazing.

Pretty blegh. I've had a terrible record of sickness these past couple of months. In contrast to only getting sick about 1-2 times a year usually (something I attribute to living very health consciously). It's reminding me of my days in middle school and below when I used to be sick all the time.

Got a cold mid November, which passed relatively quickly, but about 2 weeks later (starting on my birthday!) I had a case of what I assume to be the flu. Terrible fever, generally felt like crap and then had a sinus infection that I had to take decongestants for because of how bad it was. Once that finally started clearing up slowly, I started to feel healthy again in time for christmas...

Only to get sick again after that, a few days ago. I think it might be pneumonia, or some other lung related thing as a follow up to the sinus infection I'm assuming. Now I've got a pretty bad cough, fever and a clogged nose. The funny thing is, despite how many times I've been getting sick, I keep testing negative for covid every single time, so maybe I'll have a shot at that too, once I finally start getting well from this c:

I'm not doing too great because my health is still as bad as it's always been. On Tuesday I had a filling at the dentist but they put this thing into my mouth that would keep my mouth open and after like 20 minutes it started pushing into the right side of my mouth and starting on Wednesday I had like 3 teeth hurting as a result.

But not only that, but the dentist had to put pressure on my jaw and it started hurting as a result of my jaw being dislocated just after Thanksgiving.

I'm not doing good at all. Mentally I'm destroyed, but I don't want to talk about that here so I'll go straight to physical health.

I've been dealing with a cold for the last 5 days or so. It didn't escalate much and medication apparently is making it fade away progressively, so I could be perfectly okay in a few more days. However, I'm facing another problem right now that truly has me worried.

I've been feeling pain on the left side of my face, primarily my cheekbone, low but constant. I'm used to having one-day only health problems that never replicate or take a long time to happen again, so at first I didn't pay much attention to it. I did have a pain surge in my sleep on Thursday and had to take medication to calm it down. But it wasn't the end of it, in no way.

The pain came back, with another surge last night which forced me again to take medication. But the effects have worn out and it seemed to be extending, to the point I even have occasional muscular spasms on my left eye (still haven't located the exact spot, I think its right below the eyebrow). I keep taking medication without trying to abuse it, but it's driving me absolutely mad.

I'm awaiting a response from my medical center, which should come on Monday. This ensures something close to 36 hours dealing with this on my own. I might go to the hospital before that if it becomes unbearable, but my experience says that it can go away the same way it came so I don't discard putting this on my list of transient health problems.

My good views on hospitals has diminished in the last months due to both experiences I had myself and from my friends and I'm all out of patience right now, so let's hope they do their job smoothly or they shall taste my wrath.

I've put a great deal of the activities of the past couple of years into a thread in Your Forum where I discussed my girlfriend's illness and my personal struggles with mental health, and while my overall attitude is a lot more positive than it used to be, I struggle with a couple of aspects of adjusting to a new life.

The medication I'm on needs to be taken every day, and heavily interacts with pretty much everything I consume, which may be better in the long run, but is a pretty big bummer in the moment. I can't drink orange juice anymore because it'll make the pill stop working, I can't take antacids anymore for my acid reflux because it'll over-absorb the medication, making its effects on me several times stronger, and, I'm a former energy drink fiend, where I'd need have one to kick start my day if I knew I was too tired to be public-facing. Now, the slightest amounts of sugar and caffeine have me bouncing off the wall with energy. A sip of Coca Cola earlier today gave me a rush that lasted 2 hours.

In addition, I had to disclose my diagnosis and medication to my employer, who I've made aware that it's clear I've dealing with a neurodivergency since 2017 that's gone undiagnosed, but ever since it's become official and the medication, which has to be taken each day at the same time with a full nights sleep, or risk panic attacks, anger, and jitteryness, I've been unable to work the late night hours I used to constantly volunteer for. They've lost their emergency guy to call. I've been getting less duties, and after a couple of bad days where I ended up having to do those late shifts again, I've ended up having a couple of breakdowns from having to take the medication on little sleep or, to my doctor's disdain, skip it entirely in an attempt to reset my sleeping schedule.

I've also quit a huge vice that I've been self medicating with for nearly a decade, and the withdrawal side effects cause insomnia, anxiety, and anger, which has caused several more mental breakdowns at work. Ever since that happened, I relapsed on my habit to save face, trying my hardest to lower consumption and eventually take a week off work to detox. However, it's hard to deal with the understandable, and actually caring responses from my coworkers. I've been asked if I was okay every couple of minutes every day for weeks, even when I come in having a great day and maintain my cool in situations where others have lost it right next to me, yet I am still the one that's being checked on. I understand they're doing it out of the goodness of their hearts, but there was a couple of days where I was asked so repetitively when I was having a great day, where their concern made me feel like maybe not everything is alright, and it's been severely dampening my mood. This isn't coming from a place of my masculinity being questioned, but rather my competence as a longtime member of the workforce, and not to toot the horn, but a very knowledgeable and speedy member of management. I feel like I'm being babied, and while I'm happy to have had a caring response rather than one of discrimination, it's been hard to adjust to.

Overall, still very optimistic about the future, but some things recently have irked me on a personal level where I've questioned my place. I never wanted to be working a nearly minimum wage job at this age, but that's just what life necessitated given the cards I was dealt. It gave me a challenge to overcome, and now I'm ready to tackle whatever comes to me in educational and at new jobs years down the road.

Currently I'd describe myself as depressed. I don't have energy or willingness to wake up in the mornings, nor I feel like being productive all day long.

Physically the last weeks have been horrible. My symptoms have eventually led to the diagnose of sinusitis, and due to that I've been prescribed quite a lot of medication for at least the next 10 days, meaning that until February or so I won't probably be back to full health. At least the last days the symptoms were softer to deal with, and it looks like medication has already started to take effect.

I also have developed a cyst on my right index finger, apparently because of complications after an insect bite. It has never hurt, but it did feel uncomfortable as I'm right-handed and thus I use my hand for everything, meaning I sometimes rubbed my finger to surfaces. I'm also applying a treatment to it, we'll see how this one develops.

Mentally, I'm out of this place. My declining health and my extremely low motivation for exams and beyond is affecting my life more than I'd like. I feel like a puppet being moved by the strings of destiny, with no real purpose and rejecting the path lying ahead. I'm in a situation I want to get out of, but there's no escape. And it's driving me mad.

To be honest, I feel like garbage, I am wishing it was warmer right now the only thing getting me through January is the Tour, and now I am feeling nostalgic for my summer pajamas but I can't wear them right now because it's cold out